The joke thread

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Carl the Llama said:

The fact that you asked that question tells me you shoed already know the answer. 

 

 

Not really.

 

I was conscious of your skill set, and wondered if I'd been mispronouncing it all these years.

[Carl the Llama]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

 

Not really.

 

I was conscious of your skill set, and wondered if I'd been mispronouncing it all these years.

It's artistic licence Bucey, why aren't you complaining about the Scottish guy's scandalous 'crepaid up the stairs'?

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Carl the Llama said:

It's artistic licence Bucey, why aren't you complaining about the Scottish guy's scandalous 'crepaid up the stairs'?

 

Complain? Me?

 

I don't know what you mean.

 

 

 

 

[notnow john]

Took the kids to the zoo today and we saw a baguette in a cage.

 

Apparently it was bread in captivity.

[Milo]

Continuing the animal theme...

 

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl in the toilet..??

 

...Because the P is silent

 

 

[TiffToff88]

these animal jokes really quack me up

[Izzy]

The Police called me today to tell me that my wife was involved in a serious car accident. 

"Oh my God! Is she ok?" I asked.

"Well, she has a couple of big bumps and a huge gash" said the copper.

"I know she has” I replied, but is she injured?"

[Webbo]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

[Izzy]

I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was younger.

 

I'd tell you the reason why I never, but I don't want to dig up the past..

[Buce]

8 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was younger.

 

I'd tell you the reason why I never, but I don't want to dig up the past..

 

I assumed that's where you found your jokes...

 

 

 

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Buce said:

 

I assumed that's where you found your jokes...

 

 

 

 

He's the man who stole Bob Monkhouse's joke book all those years ago. 

He thinks enough time has passed for him to profit from the theft. 

[Tuna]

A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

 

The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"

 

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

 

"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.

 

"Those are just side effects."

[Izzy]

9 hours ago, Tuna said:

A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

 

The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"

 

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

 

"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.

 

"Those are just side effects."

Funnily enough, I went to the doctors earlier today.

 

I said “Doc, I’ve got a mole on the end of my penis. Would you take a look please?

 

Doc said O.K, so I flopped the old fella out.

 

He took one look and said “No problem, we can remove the mole. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to report you to the RSPCA”

[fuchsntf]

22 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was younger.

 

I'd tell you the reason why I never, but I don't want to dig up the past..

Jesus , I remember that Joke when we were chipping our experiences in Hieroglyphs..

[fuchsntf]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Funnily enough, I went to the doctors earlier today.

 

I said “Doc, I’ve got a mole on the end of my penis. Would you take a look please?

 

Doc said O.K, so I flopped the old fella out.

 

He took one look and said “No problem, we can remove the mole. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to report you to the RSPCA”

I must of gone to the same doctor...

I told him "I have eaten Something that disagrees with me"..

"NO you havent", he replies.

 

[Milo]

Well I went to the doctor the other day and I said "Have you got anything for wind"

 

He he gave me a kite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thank you and goodnight

Edited 19 October 2017 by Milo

[fuchsntf]

Guilty conscience..??

Why do Surgeons where masks..??

 

Doctor told my wife not to touch anything alcoholic..

So she left me.!!!

 

Receptionist:  Doctor theres a man on the phone  saying hes invisable

doctor: Well tell him I cantcsee him right now.

 

Doctor I get heartburn when I eat birthday cake...

Next time then take off the candles..

 

 

 

[Webbo]

The man who invented knock knock jokes has been awarded the no bell prize.

[Webbo]

10 hours ago, Milo said:

Well I went to the doctor the other day and I said "Have you got anything for wind"

 

He he gave me a kite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thank you and goodnight

I went to the doctors I said "have you got anything to keep my hair in?"

 

He gave me a box.

[Tuna]

My mate set me up on a blind date, and he said "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby".

 

I felt a right twat sitting in the pub wearing just a nappy.

[Alf Bentley]

Men who smoke and have a lot of oral sex are at an increased risk of cancer: http://www.newsweek.com/hpv-oral-sex-smoking-men-high-risk-head-neck-cancer-689068

 

There must be an increased risk of them causing some nasty burns, too.

[Milo]

What do you call a singing laptop?

 

 

A-Dell

[separator]

Where do vegetarians go on holiday?

 

Quornwall

[TiffToff88]

4 minutes ago, separator said:

Where do vegetarians go on holiday?

 

Quornwall

Not Brussels then?

[notnow john]

Three things that don't lie-

 

drunks.

league position .

 

 

 

leggings !