The joke thread

[Izzy]

I came home after work this evening to find the wife masturbating in the bathroom.

 

"What's going on here then?" I asked

 

"What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile

 

"A growling fvcking sea lion" I replied...

[Trav Le Bleu]

7 hours ago, the fox said:

oh come on carl, if you aren't laughing at the jokes you are laughing at people making fun of other people

 

 

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I came home after work this evening to find the wife masturbating in the bathroom.

 

"What's going on here then?" I asked

 

"What does it look like to you?" she said with a smile

 

"A growling fvcking sea lion" I replied...

No, I think Carl was right, even if he is a llama.

[separator]

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween.

 

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

[Parafox]

13 hours ago, separator said:

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween.

 

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

Those people knocked on my door the other day asking if I would be a Jehovah's Witness.

 

I explained that I was just an innocent bystander.

[Izzy]

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm near Norfolk last night, and stole 5,000 birds.

 

A spokesperson said "We will be releasing them into the wild as soon as they have defrosted"

[Carl the Llama]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm near Norfolk last night, and stole 5,000 birds.

 

A spokesperson said "We will be releasing them into the wild as soon as they have defrosted"

Oh I get it now, you're lowering our expectations so when you post a mildly amusing joke in a few weeks we'll all think it's the best thing ever.  It's the joke version of the plain girl who goes clubbing with munters to make herself seem more attractive.  Clever Izzy.

[Buce]

22 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm near Norfolk last night, and stole 5,000 birds.

 

A spokesperson said "We will be releasing them into the wild as soon as they have defrosted"

 

Hmmm.

 

Seems like rock bottom has a basement. 

Edited 3 November 2017 by Buce

[Izzy]

17 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Oh I get it now, you're lowering our expectations so when you post a mildly amusing joke in a few weeks we'll all think it's the best thing ever.  It's the joke version of the plain girl who goes clubbing with munters to make herself seem more attractive.  Clever Izzy.

It's all part of the master plan Carl 

 

11 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Hmmm.

 

Seems like rock bottom has a basement. 

Meh. There's plenty worse to come mate. I haven't even got close to the bottom of the basement yet 

[Tuna]

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

 

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

 

[Tielemans63]

A bad workman blames his fools*

 

*tools....stupid bloody keyboard.

[Izzy]

The wife asked me today where I would like to be buried.

 

Apparently, "balls deep in your sister" wasn't an acceptable answer.

[Wolfox]

Met a girl in the pub the other night, told her she reminded me of my little toe, she asked was it because she was small and cute?, no, I told her, it was because I was probably going to bang her on my kitchen table later!

[Izzy]

I went to the Doctor's for a prostate exam the other day and whilst he was examining me he shouted "OH MY GOD!" 

"What is it Doctor?" I asked him shitting myself. 

"You've just shit yourself" he said

[fuchsntf]

On Friday, November 03, 2017 at 20:15, Izzy Muzzett said:

It's all part of the master plan Carl 

 

Meh. There's plenty worse to come mate. I haven't even got close to the bottom of the basement yet 

No true, just at apprentice stage, The bottom of the Barrel you hit, is still on the ground floor...

[separator]

Schalke 04... Hannover 96...

 

I think I was 10 years old before I realised our local rivals weren't called "Nottingham Forest 0" 

 

[notnow john]

Found my neighbour slumped over his lawn mower sobbing uncontrollably.

He said he'd be o.k-

and he was just going through a rough patch.

[Tuna]

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

 

I told him, 'Anytime, my door is always open'.

[Izzy]

On 11/2/2017 at 22:17, separator said:

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween.

 

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

 

On 11/3/2017 at 12:14, Parafox said:

Those people knocked on my door the other day asking if I would be a Jehovah's Witness.

 

I explained that I was just an innocent bystander.

Two women knocked at my door today and asked what bread I ate.

 

When I said "White", they lectured me for 30 minutes on the benefits of Brown bread instead.

 

Fvckin Hovis Witnesses....

[Carl the Llama]

[Alf Bentley]

I got the hard-sell on my doorstep today from two blokes selling vacuum cleaners.

 

They kept going on about how its unique shape with its horizontal top handle and curved suction end guaranteed you a spotless carpet.

 

Fvckin J-Hoovers Witnesses.

Edited 5 November 2017 by Alf Bentley

[RonnieTodger]

I'm dating a mermaid,

but we can't make love,

'cause she don't have a vagina, 

but it smells like she does

[Tuna]

My friend says he been constipated for two weeks.

 

I think he's full of shit!

[separator]

I sat next to an insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert last night.

 

And through it all, he offered me protection....

[The Bear]

I was at that same gig. I had a condom sales rep next to me...

[ozleicester]

2 hours ago, The Bear said:

I was at that same gig. I had a condom sales rep next to me...

Was he selling those tie up condoms?.. take my advice dont get one.. they Come Undone