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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

One day George get a phone call to tell him his uncle Sid has passed away.

George feels a bit sad at first but they weren't close and so he's soon over it. Then, a few days letter he gets a package containing his inheritance from his uncle's estate: a violin and a painting.

 

Not knowing what to do with them he calls his mate Alan, an antique dealer. After a few days Alan rings him back, "I've got news George. I've done my analysis and what you've got here is a genuine Stradivarius and an original Van Gogh."

 

George is stunned and ecstatic. "Oh my God this is incredible. I'll make millions. I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams when I sell these!"

 

"Well, you might get some novelty value George, but you won't be making millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius was a terrible painter.....and Van Gogh made lousy violins".

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted

Plane load of football fans on flight home from european champions final , plane is about to crash...

Female supporter from Manu stands up and shouts " if I am going to die, I want to die like a woman"

she tears her clothes off and asks, " Is there someone on this plane, who is man enough to make me

feel like a woman"

A lone passenger , calls from the back, he stands out of seat, then everyone sees, hes the one Leicester

supporter on the plane...He sensually moves towards her......removes slowly his foxes shirt...

showing provocativily his honed 6pack...and wets his lips, with knowing lusting eyes....

 

Then replies......."Here iron that, and be carefull of the badge"

 

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted

A good oldie....

 

Stuart was a school this morning, and the teacher asked all the children

what their fathers did for a living.

 

All the typical answers came out, electrician, postman,salesman, Policeman,

Chippy, self-employed window cleaner, Barman, etc etc....

Stuart however was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him , in front

of the other children...

Stuart then stood up and told them, " My father is an exotic dancer in a g*y club, and

takes all his clothes off parading in front of the audience."

The teacher set the children some work and took little stuart aside to ask him if that was true.?

 

Naaa !!  said Stuart...."he plays football for Nottingham Forest, but I was just too embarrassed to say"

 

 

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted (edited)

I took my missus out for a suprise....

We went to see the Bermudian philharmonic Orchestra in concert..

all was going well, then there was a beautifull part , slowly involving piece by piece

the percussion instruments, has they got to the guy on the triangle he just disappeared..

Edited by fuchsntf
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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted

A forest and Derby fans best of mates, were driving  to their lower  league Derby game.

The Derby fan, the driver sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence suddenly slams on the brakes.

He jumps out of the car , pulls his trousers down, and starts banging the sheep....

 

He finishes up, and turns to his Forest mate, and says " well its your turn"

So the Forest fan quickly also took down his trousers and....

 

stuck his head into the fence...!!

 

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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Posted

I went out and had a bit of a dodgy curry last night and ended up paying for it with explosive diarrhea.

 

In hindsight, the waiter probably would've preferred cash.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs.

 

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

 

He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."

 

I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fvcking ugly!"

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs.

 

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

 

He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."

 

I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fvcking ugly!"

 

For a grammar pedant, that joke doesn't work when written down. It relies on the pun between "my sisters" and "my sister's", which only exists orally.

Who knew that apostrophes could be so important in humour?

 

Sorry to be a humourless wet blanket! ;)

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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

For a grammar pedant, that joke doesn't work when written down. It relies on the pun between "my sisters" and "my sister's", which only exists orally.

Who knew that apostrophes could be so important in humour?

 

Sorry to be a humourless wet blanket! ;)

The joke works when written down as long as he puts the possessive apostrophe in the set-up. If he doesn't, as izzy didn't, then it reads like the man is actually saying those dogs are his female siblings.

 

I didn't actually get the joke on first reading because of that.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
35 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

For a grammar pedant, that joke doesn't work when written down. It relies on the pun between "my sisters" and "my sister's", which only exists orally.

Who knew that apostrophes could be so important in humour?

 

Sorry to be a humourless wet blanket! ;)

 

22 minutes ago, Captain... said:

The joke works when written down as long as he puts the possessive apostrophe in the set-up. If he doesn't, as izzy didn't, then it reads like the man is actually saying those dogs are his female siblings.

 

I didn't actually get the joke on first reading because of that.

Image result for im sorry gif

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted (edited)
55 minutes ago, Captain... said:

The joke works when written down as long as he puts the possessive apostrophe in the set-up. If he doesn't, as izzy didn't, then it reads like the man is actually saying those dogs are his female siblings.

 

I didn't actually get the joke on first reading because of that.

Thats the problem, when people , Have their head in the clouds over English PC correctness....

I got it, straight the way....mind you has an Ex- New Parks lad, my English borders on the pathetic to non-exsistent.

Helps though with, my German, Spanish, French, Hindi......pathetic really arent I..:unsure:

 

 

Go on Muzzy,  you set em up, I'll knock em down..:P

 

Thats why Intelligent people have neither a sense of, or for humour, I love just  being a clever buggar......with lousy grammar

Edited by fuchsntf
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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, fuchsntf said:

Thats the problem, when people , Have their head in the clouds over English PC correctness....

I got it, straight the way....mind you has an Ex- New Parks lad, my English borders on the pathetic to non-exsistent.

Helps though with, my German, Spanish, French, Hindi......pathetic really arent I..:unsure:

 

 

Go on Muzzy,  you set em up, I'll knock em down..:P

 

Thats why Intelligent people have neither a sense of, or for humour, I love just  being a clever buggar......with lousy grammar

It's not PC or grammar Nazi I just missed the joke because I read what he wrote not, which was a man saying the dogs are his female siblings rather than belonging to his sister.

 

It's a shame really because it was actually a good joke ruined by a missing apostrophe, as opposed to most of Izzy's jokes which are typically grammatically correct but shit. :P

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Captain... said:

It's not PC or grammar Nazi I just missed the joke because I read what he wrote not, which was a man saying the dogs are his female siblings rather than belonging to his sister.

 

It's a shame really because it was actually a good joke ruined by a missing apostrophe, as opposed to most of Izzy's jokes which are typically grammatically correct but shit. :P

Fvck you very much! 

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Captain... said:

It's not PC or grammar Nazi I just missed the joke because I read what he wrote not, which was a man saying the dogs are his female siblings rather than belonging to his sister.

 

It's a shame really because it was actually a good joke ruined by a missing apostrophe, as opposed to most of Izzy's jokes which are typically grammatically correct but shit. :P

Of course it was incorrect..but intent, and point was obvious...mind you I am somewhat...:blink:

Whats an Apostrophe, between Izzey-groupies...

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted

Whats the difference between a cat and a comma ?

 

One has claws at the end of its paws,

and one is a  pause at the end of clause... 

 

 

Why should you never date an apostrophe ?

 

They're too possessive...

 

 

 

What should you say to comfort a grammar Nazi?

"There, their, they're".

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fuchsntf

fuchsntf

Posted
Posted

A teacher writes on the board the sentence:

" A woman without a man is nothing"

 

The teacher then asks the boys to punctuate it properly, and they all write:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing "

 

The teacher then asks the girls to punctuate it ,and they write:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing"

 

*******

English professor..

"In English, " he said," A double negative forms a positive.In some languages, though, such as Russian ,

a double  negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative"

 

A voice from the the back, a lad from New Parks piped up, " Yeah, right"

 

 

Just a couple of oldies from my school days...

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bovril

bovril

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10 minutes ago, Tuna said:

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking about video games too much.

 

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend dumped me for fondling pasta.

 

Now I'm feeling cannelloni. 

 

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