The joke thread

[Izzy]

My wife thinks I'm boring in bed and I get distracted too easily...

 

Well, I guess I'd better get back to it...

[fuchsntf]

I was fijding it difficult to pick up any news from the neighbourhood, after I was robbed, and my car stolen.

then this morning, I had a lucky break. A guy fell over while crossing the road dropping,

his scrabbleboard +letters all over the place....

So I used the opportunity to ask him, .........

 

"whats the word on the street"

[Tielemans63]

If I had a pound for every time I failed my maths GCSE....

 

I'd have £5.30

[TiffToff88]

18 hours ago, Paddy. said:

If I had a pound for every time I failed my maths GCSE....

 

I'd have £5.30

 

You failed 7 times?? I bet you feel like an idiot...

[VLC86]

Everton.

[Trav Le Bleu]

51 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

Everton.

If only we'd kept Walsh and signed Sigurdsson.

[VLC86]

12 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

If only we'd kept Walsh and signed Sigurdsson.

True, i should have waited a week before posting that though.

[Izzy]

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

 

Something like this wouldn't normally bother me much, but it was in a Gregg's sausage roll.

[Buce]

10 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

 

Something like this wouldn't normally bother me much, but it was in a Gregg's sausage roll.

 

[Buce]

 

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

 

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Izzy]

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

 

A: Send down four skin divers.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Did you hear about the short-sighted rabbi?

 

He got the sack.

[Webbo]

1 minute ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Did you hear about the short-sighted rabbi?

 

He got the sack.

His wages weren't great but he got lots of tips.

[Tuna]

I was out on a walk earlier when I heard a very snaky voice in the bush which went, "1+1=2, 2+2=4,3+3=6..."

 

I think it must've been an adder.

Edited 22 October 2017 by Tuna

[Webbo]

29 minutes ago, Tuna said:

I was out on a walk earlier when I heard a very snaky voice in the bush which went, "1+1=2, 2+2=4,3+3=6..."

 

I think it must've been an adder.

Are they still printing The Dandy?

[fuchsntf]

22 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

 

A: Send down four skin divers.

It seems you have been also diving deep......

 

Bottom of the barrel..

 

[fuchsntf]

22 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

 

A: Send down four skin divers.

Where are whales Weighed..?

At a Whale weigh Station....

 

Kids still love it !!!

 

 

[Milo]

Jesus, these are bad today...

 

Did you hear about the canibal who was late for a dinner party?

 

He got the cold shoulder

 

 

 

[fuchsntf]

21 hours ago, Webbo said:

Are they still printing The Dandy?

Dandy , Beano, Victor, The eagle...

Wish I kept the comics and annuals,

 

Damn Playboy...!!

 

[fuchsntf]

As a farmer, I hear lots of jokes about sheep.

I'd tell them to my dog, but he's herd them all.

*****

What do get when you cross a Robot and a tractor?

 

A Transfarmer...

********

who likes telling poultry jokes?

 

Comedi-hens

 

******

 

 

 

 

[Countryfox]

2 minutes ago, fuchsntf said:

As a farmer, I hear lots of jokes about sheep.

I'd tell them to my dog, but he's herd them all.

*****

What do get when you cross a Robot and a tractor?

 

A Transfarmer...

********

who likes telling poultry jokes?

 

Comedi-hens

 

******

 

 

 

 

 

Dont give up your day job ....

[fuchsntf]

Just now, Countryfox said:

 

Dont give up your day job ....

Thats why I am retired....

 

Work was a joke...

[separator]

“Sir your car was swerving all over the road”

“Sorry officer I’ve had ten pints and feel pissed.”

“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

[fuchsntf]

I have really good looking kids...

Thankgod my wife cheats on me..

 

I know I am getting old..

I remember when emojis use to be called Hieroglyphics.

 

A sad guy, and a sad dog are sitting together at the bar..

The dog says to the guy, you think yours wifes a bitch!!!

 

I was in the pub  when I proposed, my girlfriend said "it was very romantic,

when I got up on one knee "

 

 

 

[Countryfox]

1 minute ago, fuchsntf said:

I have really good looking kids...

Thankgod my wife cheats on me..

 

I know I am getting old..

I remember when emojis use to be called Hieroglyphics.

 

A sad guy, and a sad dog are sitting together at the bar..

The dog says to the guy, you think yours wifes a bitch!!!

 

I was in the pub  when I proposed, my girlfriend said "it was very romantic,

when I got up on one knee "

 

 

 

 

Now what was it I told you ...