The joke thread

[Buce]

 

Hold-ups on the M5 today after a huge hole appeared on the northbound carriageway.

 

Police are looking into it.

[Countryfox]

43 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Hold-ups on the M5 today after a huge hole appeared on the northbound carriageway.

 

Police are looking into it.

 

You had me fooled Bucey ! ...    All this time I thought you were a grown up ...     

[separator]

I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse.

 

Police pulled me over for undertaking.

[Izzy]

My lad was sent home from school yesterday for swearing and he said it was for using the “C” word.

 

I said “Well that wasn’t clever, was it!?”

 

He said “No Dad, it was Cvnt”.

[Buce]

2 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

You had me fooled Bucey ! ...    All this time I thought you were a grown up ...     

 

No, mate, you must have me confused with someone else...

[Izzy]

On 10/11/2017 at 13:52, notnow john said:

You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman.

 

He's the one wearing a cat flap.

I recently heard a story about that dyslexic Yorkshireman. 

 

He broke his leg and went to B&Q 

Edited 18 November 2017 by Izzy Muzzett

[Strokes]

2 hours ago, separator said:

I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse.

 

Police pulled me over for undertaking.

One of the most popular cars on the road apparently.

People are just dying to get in one.

[Aus Fox]

7 hours ago, Strokes said:

One of the most popular cars on the road apparently.

People are just dying to get in one.

Don't know why, you wouldn't catch me dead in one...

 

oh wait...

[TheLittleBigMan]

 

I was playing golf with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing golf.

Edited 19 November 2017 by TheLittleBigMan

[TheLittleBigMan]

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

[The Bear]

[Jimothy]

@TheLittleBigMan don't give up the day job, unless the day job is writing jokes.

[StanSP]

 

[Milo]

4 hours ago, TheLittleBigMan said:

 

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

 

[Alf Bentley]

6 hours ago, TheLittleBigMan said:

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

 

Couldn't you just have an open relationship with him and Mohammed as they're both men of peace and love?

[Milo]

Two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here". 

The other muffin replies "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies. This is my 9 year olds current favourite joke, He literally almost wets himself laughing whenever it's told. I said I'd post it for him. Don't judge me. 

[Izzy]

14 minutes ago, Milo said:

Two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here". 

The other muffin replies "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies. This is my 9 year olds current favourite joke, He literally almost wets himself laughing whenever it's told. I said I'd post it for him. Don't judge me. 

My 17 year old son won £21 million pounds on the lottery recently and when I tried to ring him to congratulate him, he didn't want anything to do with me.  

 

His foster parents must have raised him to be a right ****.

[Durnerz]

'Jesus Loves You' comforting to hear in church, unnerving in a Mexican prison.

[Buce]

 

I'm not saying my dad was mean, but when he found a pair of crutches he went home and crippled my mum.

[Tuna]

I rang up autoglass today regarding a chip on my windscreen, The guy came round and went bloody ballistic!

 

I only asked him if he'd remove the sausage and the gravy as well.

[Suzie the Fox]

Why did i click on this thread.. Ive come to the conclusion that 20% of the Jokes are actually quite funny... 30% are just pants and the rest i just dont get ... Incoming blonde jokes ?  

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Milo said:

Two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here". 

The other muffin replies "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies. This is my 9 year olds current favourite joke, He literally almost wets himself laughing whenever it's told. I said I'd post it for him. Don't judge me. 

Shows how Americanised (my auto-correct keeps changing that s to a z, ironically) we're becoming because when was a kid that joke was sausages in a frying pan.

[Trav Le Bleu]

What's brown and taps on windows?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poo on stilts.

[Strokes]

3 minutes ago, Suzie the Fox said:

Why did i click on this thread.. Ive come to the conclusion that 20% of the Jokes are actually quite funny... 30% are just pants and the rest i just dont get ... Incoming blonde jokes ?  

I think you are being very generous.