The joke thread

[Tuna]

I asked the waitress for some mineral water.

 

"Still...?" She asked.

 

"Yes, it's not as if I've just changed my ****ing mind"

[Izzy]

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, my farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like rotten eggs!"

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Izzy]

I used to be a Monk and took a strict vow of silence. I was allowed to speak only two words every five years.

 

After my first five years I said "room cold" - so they gave me an extra blanket

 

Five years later I said "room dark" - so they gave me an extra candle

 

Another five years passed and I said "I'm leaving"

 

"Thank fvck for that" said the Abbot, "you've done nothing but moan since you've been here"

 

 

[notnow john]

You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman.

 

He's the one wearing a cat flap.

[Izzy]

Me and the wife decided to go Dogging this evening.

 

But by the time she’d eventually finished parking the car, everyone else had fvcked off..

[Tuna]

3 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Me and the wife decided to go Dogging this evening.

 

But by the time she’d eventually finished parking the car, everyone else had fvcked off..

 

 

[separator]

"What's your name?"

"Dave Fvcking Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?"

"No, but the vicar at my christening did."

 

[Stadt]

I ****ing hate being bipolar, it's great.

[Tuna]

I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.

 

Now I can't find them.

 

I think they've been mislaid.

[TheLittleBigMan]

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One, because we're men and we don't need any bloody help doing it.

[TheLittleBigMan]

"Tony, am I a bad mother?"

"Fu*k sake, i'm Paul".

[TheLittleBigMan]

This just in... Major Leprosy awareness foundation has fallen apart..

[Facecloth]

@Izzy Muzzett all is forgiven! Compared to the last three, your jokes are some of the greatest I've ever read! 

[the fox]

 i'll take "cringy jokes" for $500, alex!

Edited 11 November 2017 by the fox

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Facecloth said:

@Izzy Muzzett all is forgiven! Compared to the last three, your jokes are some of the greatest I've ever read! 

 

Let's not get carried away, Facey...

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Let's not get carried away, Facey...

[Strokes]

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

[Durnerz]

Have you heard about the song inspired by a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?


Endless Love 

[The Bear]

Teacher: Can anyone use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?

Billy: My dad's been painting the house all week. It's taking the contagious!

[Izzy]

I went into Waterstones and asked if they had any of Shakespeare's books in stock.

 

The guy said "Which one sir?”

 

I said "William, FFS"

[Facecloth]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went into Waterstones and asked if they had any of Shakespeare's books in stock.

 

The guy said "Which one sir?”

 

I said "William, FFS"

You could have been after Craig's new book, "How to lose your job in 10 games."

[Izzy]

The Mrs just came out of the shower and said,

 

"I’ve shaved my fanny. You know what that means don't you?!!" 

"Yeah" I said, "The fvckin drains will be clogged again"

[Countryfox]

 

Two guys walk into a bar ...

 

The third one ducks.

 

[Buce]

 

I think we've found who stole @Izzy Muzzett's joke book...

[Tuna]

How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

 

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.