The joke thread

[TiffToff88]

8 hours ago, Tuna said:

How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

 

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I fainted in the curry house when i heard REM split up. That's me in the Korma...

[TiffToff88]

I went to see an Elbow tribute band last night, they were called "Arse". Some couldn't tell the difference.

[TiffToff88]

28 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

I went to see an Elbow tribute band last night, they were called "Arse". Some couldn't tell the difference.

 

FUN FACT: There really is an Elbow tribute band called Arse. Best tribute band name ever, pure genius!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

On 27/10/2017 at 19:10, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

I guess the severe lack of reps for either says it all really 

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My wife is getting fed up with my premature ejaculation... She took it on the chin at first but now it's just gets on her tits.

[Trav Le Bleu]

6 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

FUN FACT: There really is an Elbow tribute band called Arse. Best tribute band name ever, pure genius!

Always wanted there to be a The Cure tribute band called Prevention. They'd have to be really good though.

[Tuna]

5 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My wife is getting fed up with my premature ejaculation... She took it on the chin at first but now it's just gets on her tits.

I have the same problem, and my girlfriend finds it very hard to swallow.

Edited 15 November 2017 by Tuna

[TiffToff88]

7 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My wife is getting fed up with my premature ejaculation... She took it on the chin at first but now it's just gets on her tits.

 

1 hour ago, Tuna said:

I have the same problem, and my girlfriend finds it very hard to swallow.

I also have the same problem. My wife left me for another man.

 

 

Oh, wait... This is the joke thread? 

[Durnerz]

This new U2 sat-nav really is terrible, it takes you where the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

[Izzy]

My Irish mate Dave told me that he'd broke into a shop and stolen eighteen paintings - the cheapest one being £185,000

 

He took me into his garage to have a look at them. I said "Dave you fvckin muppet, you've robbed an Estate Agents"

[ajthefox]

2 hours ago, Durnerz said:

This new U2 sat-nav really is terrible, it takes you where the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Someone's just watched Have I got news for you... 

[Trav Le Bleu]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

 

Just look for the fresh prints.

[notnow john]

There's a Polish bloke lives in the flat next door who plays "I want to know what love is "

at full blast all night!

 

Bloody Foreigner

[Tuna]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

 

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

 

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

 

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?".

Edited 16 November 2017 by Tuna

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy fvcking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

[Alf Bentley]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a steam roller last night. "You dozy fvcking twat" I shouted, "you could have flattened me!".

 

 

(Not sure about the social acceptability of piggybacking other people's dodgy jokes with your own dodgy jokes. Just let me know if I'm an outcast!)

[Countryfox]

1 minute ago, Alf Bentley said:

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a steam roller last night. "You dozy fvcking twat" I shouted, "you could have flattened me!".

 

 

(Not sure about the social acceptability of piggybacking other people's dodgy jokes with your own dodgy jokes. Just let me know if I'm an outcast!)

 

Alf who ?? ...    

[Countryfox]

18 hours ago, Tuna said:

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

 

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

 

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

 

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?".

 

I posted this one on here  a few months back Skipjack ...    didn't get as many reps as you though mate ...    it must be the way you tell em ! ...   

[Alf Bentley]

3 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Alf who ?? ...    

 

Alf Alfa, but I ain't no grass.

[Countryfox]

On 8/21/2017 at 10:17, Countryfox said:

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

 

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

 

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the ship?'

 

 

Found it !! ....    and only 2 bloody reps !!  ....   

[Tielemans63]

I applied to be a sperm donor and had my first appointment at the sperm bank today.

 

The nurse said to me 'if you're ready we'd like you to masturbate in the cup.'

 

I had to turn them down. I was flattered but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet.

Edited 17 November 2017 by Paddy.

[Alf Bentley]

28 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Found it !! ....    and only 2 bloody reps !!  ....   

 

What's the difference between Monarch Airlines and Countryfox?

 

At least Countryfox has still got 2 reps... 

[jonthefox]

There’s a new girl at work who smells of menthol and gets up everyone’s nose.

 

Her names Vicky Naylor. 

[Izzy]

9 hours ago, jonthefox said:

There’s a new girl at work who smells of menthol and gets up everyone’s nose.

 

Her names Vicky Naylor. 

A lorry full of Vicks shed it's load on the M1 earlier today.

 

Police said there'd be no congestion for up to 8 hours 

[fuchsntf]

14 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A lorry full of Vicks shed it's load on the M1 earlier today.

 

Police said there'd be no congestion for up to 8 hours 

Also the traffic was diverted back ti ria.

The service spokesman said it took a load of their chest.

Some lorry drivers complained about being rubbed up the wrong way,

especially while one drove Straight  down a  ' men t hole'

Edited 18 November 2017 by fuchsntf