The joke thread

[Wortho]

12 minutes ago, Parafox said:

 

 

At least you took the weekend off to give us some respite 

And the standards have definitely slipped in my absence 

[Wortho]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[Wortho]

It's been a bit of a strange day.
First I found a hat full of money and then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

[Wortho]

Was on my stag doo in Benidorm recently.
We're all in this bar and talking to a gang of girls on a hen doo,i end up talking to a big un.
After about30 mins,she starts talking a bit dirty,another 10 mins goes by,shes getting worse.
she says "i want something in my mouth tonight"
i say " oh right,really"?.....she says "Yeah,i'll give you a clue...it's got 4 letters in it and starts with C....can you guess"?
I looked her up and down and says "Cake"?

[Wortho]

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '
Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years .
Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !

[Tinman]

So sad to hear about the little boy cal, for those of you who don’t know him cal would go into peoples houses at night and put bricks in their washing machines to brake them but I read the other day that cal was found dead from overdosing in an alle I’m so sorry cal and to your family but at the end of the day at least washing machines live longer with cal gone

[Claridge]

1 hour ago, Tinman said:

So sad to hear about the little boy cal, for those of you who don’t know him cal would go into peoples houses at night and put bricks in their washing machines to brake them but I read the other day that cal was found dead from overdosing in an alle I’m so sorry cal and to your family but at the end of the day at least washing machines live longer with cal gone

Is there a bad jokes thread?

[SouthStandUpperTier]

Just now, Claridge said:

Is there a bad jokes thread?

You're in it.

[Wortho]

My wife was concerned that my Sinead O’Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.

[Alf Bentley]

28 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My wife was concerned that my Sinead O’Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.

 

To diversify your musical intake, because nothing compares to U2? 

[Beliall]

I'm this close to blocking wortho

[UpTheLeagueFox]

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

My wife was concerned that my Sinead O’Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.

Did he tell you to come back in seven hours and 15 days?

[Jimothy]

Just now, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Did he tell you to come back in seven hours and 15 days?

Is that to give him time to find some decent jokes?

[Wortho]

4 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Did he tell you to come back in seven hours and 15 days?

I saw Sinead O'Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind activity she'd seen....

 

"It's been seven owls and fifteen jays".

[Wortho]

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
 

[TiffToff88]

On 13/06/2019 at 10:01, Beliall said:

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching. I asked how she was getting on. She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

 

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

I saw Sinead O'Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind activity she'd seen....

 

"It's been seven owls and fifteen jays".

Can't fault her dedication to bird watching. She hasn't seen anything new since @Beliall spotted her just one week (and one page) ago ?

[Beliall]

Seriously, ban the guy its too much, i have seen bans given for less, this is borderline deliberate trolling now

[Izzy]

I have to give a huge thank you to my neighbour for letting me borrow her large sheet of plastic covering...

 

Ta Pauline 

[Buce]

23 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I have to give a huge thank you to my neighbour for letting me borrow her large sheet of plastic covering...

 

Ta Pauline 

 

On 05/06/2019 at 19:58, Tinman said:

 

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

Kin el, only a few pages back 

 

Shows how much attention I pay to this thread nowadays 

[Izzy]

Anyways...

 

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is this stool taken?"

[Beliall]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

Anyways...

 

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is this stool taken?"

YES! izzy is back!

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, Beliall said:

YES! izzy is back!

Never thought I'd hear you say that! Things must be real bad on here! 

[Buce]

33 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Never thought I'd hear you say that! Things must be real bad on here! 

 

Bad doesn’t begin to describe it, bro. 

 

Wortho’s gone rogue.   

[Beliall]