The joke thread

[The Fox Covert]

Bloke in Barnsley is mourning the passing of his wife, married for over 60 years.

He goes to the stone mason and dictates the inscription on the headstone.

The inscription ends with '...She were thine'

A few days later he goes to inspect the mason's handiwork.

He says to the mason 'Tha's got it wrong, you missed out the E'.

The mason apologies profusely, saying 'I am ever so sorry sir. I will put it right for the day of the funeral'.

Day of funeral arrives. After the service the mourners leave the church and gather around the grave.

The old man is speechless. The headstone now reads 'Eeee!, she were thin'!!!

[UpTheLeagueFox]

4 hours ago, Wortho said:

Two Japanese blokes retired from the Sewerage works after 50 years working there, they never met, one did the day shift the other the night shift

Two nips that passed in the shite

The 1970s called and want their jokes back.

[Wortho]

2 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

The 1970s called and want their jokes back.

But I lived through the 70's. These are quality jokes but some on here obviously don't have a sense of humour 

[TiffToff88]

15 minutes ago, Wortho said:

But I lived through the 70's. These are quality jokes but some on here obviously don't have a sense of humour 

Or some on here just don't like racial slurs?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Old man just widowed goes to local paper to inform everyone via family announcements page. 
At a quid a word all he could afford was the words "Irene is dead "

Feeling sorry for him, the editor tells him for the same price he can have 3 more words .

The old man writes down on the notepaper and hands it back to the editor who reads out 

"Irene is dead .......metro for sale "

[Wortho]

12 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Or some on here just don't like racial slurs?

Yeah now that's funny

[Mike Oxlong]

Got some great news today

 

My doctor has told me to masturbate more often

 

Well, actually, he told me I could have a stroke anytime

[Vince Vega]

Two nuns were walking along a narrow country lane when a naked man ran past them.  One of the nuns had a stroke............................ the other couldn't reach! 

[Wortho]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00".The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your ****ing brother won't let me in without a tie."

[DJ Barry Hammond]

55 minutes ago, Wortho said:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00".The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your ****ing brother won't let me in without a tie."

 

This joke is an old one - but didn’t necessarily involve the subjects chosen here. 

 

Any comment on why this couldn’t simply be “a man / women is in the desert”.

 

 

[Innovindil]

1 hour ago, DJ Barry Hammond said:

 

This joke is an old one - but didn’t necessarily involve the subjects chosen here. 

 

Any comment on why this couldn’t simply be “a man / women is in the desert”.

 

 

The joke writer was clearly a racist. I'm sure this joke will deeply offend all of the taliban reading it. You should report wortho to the police for peddling online hate speach. 

[DJ Barry Hammond]

1 minute ago, Innovindil said:

The joke writer was clearly a racist. I'm sure this joke will deeply offend all of the taliban reading it. You should report wortho to the police for peddling online hate speach. 

 

Just pondering why the characters in this joke required a specific identity.

 

Obviously there can be a deeper conversation on how the shaping of stories and jokes can identify can reveal a deeper inner narrative and that sometimes jokes are not just jokes, they can be used to push an underlying agenda... but there's no punchline to that, so it's probably not for the jokes thread. 

 

Ultimately - I'm not looking to put a label on @Wortho like you have - I've just challenged his positioning of the jokes. 

[Innovindil]

2 minutes ago, DJ Barry Hammond said:

 

Just pondering why the characters in this joke required a specific identity.

And I just told you, evil racism against the taliban. 

[DJ Barry Hammond]

Just now, Innovindil said:

And I just told you, evil racism against the taliban. 

 

Ok - so what's the relevance of the 'Jewish Man?'

[Innovindil]

1 minute ago, DJ Barry Hammond said:

 

Ok - so what's the relevance of the 'Jewish Man?'

Wouldn't quite work as a joke if it was another taliban, they'd probably just blow the tie-only restaurant up. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[The Bear]

It's set in a desert. Wouldn't work as well in Milton Keynes. 

[Tielemans63]

I just got mugged by 6 dwarves.

 

Not Happy!

[Wortho]

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 

'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'. 

[Wortho]

why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

[Saxondale]

2 hours ago, Paddy. said:

I just got mugged by 6 dwarves.

 

Not Happy!

You pinched this from Reddit. I know this because I was about to do the same.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

[Izzy]

Two ducks flying over Belfast.

 

One duck shouts "QUACK!"

 

The other duck says "I'm going as quack as I fvckin can!"

[Jimothy]

5 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Two ducks flying over Belfast.

 

One duck shouts "QUACK!"

 

The other duck says "I'm going as quack as I fvckin can!"

Come on Izzy, you're better than this.

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, Facecloth said:

Come on Izzy, you're better than this.

It made me chuckle tbh

[Izzy]

.

Edited 27 July 2019 by Izzy
bollux. done before