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The joke thread

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3 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, text

 

14 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Bad doesn’t begin to describe it, bro. 

 

Wortho’s  Beliall's gone rogue.  :( 

 

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I know all too well that mental health issues can affect anyone but I found the below recommendation on Fearne Cotton's "Happy" book and couldn't help but laugh...

 

Quote

I recommend this for anyone who's looking to find true consistent happiness (Craig David)

 

I presume he has had some difficulties but without any context it's pretty bizarre compared to the first recommendation which is by the charity MIND.

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3 hours ago, woollett the bullet said:

Just upset the wife .

 

She asked me to go down the shop and get her something for  pancakes .

 

. . I came back with a push up bra

I hired a hitman to kill my late wife by shooting her in the left breast.

 

She died from a gunshot wound to her left knee.

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Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, text

 

Can we rebrand to "The worst jokes on the internet"?

Edited by Beliall
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The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No" she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

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A grandfather tells his grandson "All you kids do these days is play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge, I shagged a dancer on the stage, took a piss on the bartender and drank all night for free."

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris with his friends and comes back 3 days later - covered in bruises and with a broken arm.

"What the hell happened to you?" asks the grandfather.

"I did just like you said. I went to the Moulin Rouge and tried to shag a dancer and piss on the bartender. But they beat the crap out of me, took all my money and threw me out."

"Well, who the hell did you go with boy?"

"My friends from school. Who did you go with?"

"Well....the Nazis."

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On 18/02/2019 at 22:49, Izzy said:

If I owned a DeLorean, I'd only drive it from time to time...

 

6 minutes ago, Wolfox said:

 I had a Delorean I would probably only drive it from time to time

Image result for pointing gif

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6 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

Image result for pointing gif

Argh!!! Busted by a 4 month old post

 

badge of honour!!!

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Why did I get divorced?
Last week.was my Birthday. My wife and kids said nothing, my parents and work and rest of my family too. Zip, not a happy birthday, not a single present.
As I entered the office my secretary said 'Happy Birthday Boss', I felt so special, that someone had remembered, so much so I invited her out for lunch.
After a couple of drinks and finishing our lunch, she invited me back to her house.
After 5 mins in her house, she said, I'm just gonna go to the bedroom give me 5 mins. I thought, wow this is gonna be a grand birthday present.
5 mins later she arrived in the room with a Birthday cake, my wife, kids, parents, other family members and work colleagues, who were as shocked as I was to see me naked on the sofa

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19 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Why did I get divorced?
 

Because your wife got fed up of your terrible jokes?

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Wife goes into hospital to get a nip and tuck on her twat .
Next day she wakes up to see three roses on her bed.
She asks who they're from.
!st from surgeon- the op was a success'
2nd from husband , who had a look under the covers and can't wait to get you home..........
and the 3rd is from Rab in the burns unit who says thanks for the ears !!!!!!

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1 minute ago, Wortho said:

Wife goes into hospital to get a nip and tuck on her twat .
Next day she wakes up to see three roses on her bed.
She asks who they're from.
!st from surgeon- the op was a success'
2nd from husband , who had a look under the covers and can't wait to get you home..........
and the 3rd is from Rab in the burns unit who says thanks for the ears !!!!!!

 

I asked my wife if she'd get a nip and tuck on her twat.

 

She booked me in for next week.

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9 hours ago, Buce said:

I asked my wife if she'd get a nip and tuck on her twat.

 

She booked me in for next week.

Your wife knows you well, clearly ;)

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4 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Your wife knows you well, clearly ;)

 

Not as well as yours does.

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Liam Gallagher went into a cafe for some soup, he came out and went into another one. When he had finished his roadie said, why did you go into another cafe for your soup, Liam said you got a roll with it

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I put a map of the world over our dart board at home. 
I gave the wife a dart and said wherever that dart lands is where we'd go on holiday. 
I'm pleased to announce that in August me and the wife will be spending two weeks holidaying by the f***ing skirting board.

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