The joke thread

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My girlfriend accused me of ”Cheating on her”.

I thought to myself:

”She's beginning to sound just like my Wife”.

[Wortho]

I've just released my own fragrance.

However, nobody on this train seems to like it.

[ozleicester]

1 minute ago, Wortho said:

I've just released my own fragrance.

However, nobody on this train seems to like it.

Probably shouldnt have rubbed it behind their ears

[Wortho]

This guy in the pub was looking a bit down, so I asked him what was up He said:
"It's my lad. He's in trouble for getting a girl in his class to give him a blow job. I told him he'd better watch out, or he won't be allowed to carry on teaching at all..."

[Wortho]

Jesus christ
i got so sunburned yesterday I'm having to take viagra for it
it doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs when i sleep

[Wortho]

My mate was whining all day at me about how he couldn't harvest fruit in his garden. I said "For Christ's sake! Grow a pear!"

[Wortho]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who swims the channel?

'Clever Dick.'

[Wortho]

My fiancee just pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."
So I handed her a porno mag and made her sleep on the couch.

[Facecloth]

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

This guy in the pub was looking a bit down, so I asked him what was up He said:
"It's my lad. He's in trouble for getting a girl in his class to give him a blow job. I told him he'd better watch out, or he won't be allowed to carry on teaching at all..."

 

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

Jesus christ
i got so sunburned yesterday I'm having to take viagra for it
it doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs when i sleep

 

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

My mate was whining all day at me about how he couldn't harvest fruit in his garden. I said "For Christ's sake! Grow a pear!"

 

48 minutes ago, Wortho said:

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who swims the channel?

'Clever Dick.'

 

39 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My fiancee just pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."
So I handed her a porno mag and made her sleep on the couch.

We've reached a new low people 

[TiffToff88]

@Wortho  and @Izzy walk into a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

...everyone else leaves before they start telling another joke

Edited 17 July 2019 by TiffToff88

[Izzy]

42 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

@Wortho  and @Izzy walk into a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

...everyone else leaves before they start telling another joke

How dare you mention me and him in the same breath. 

[fuchsntf]

1 hour ago, TiffToff88 said:

@Wortho  and @Izzy walk into a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

...everyone else leaves before they start telling another joke

Don't believe that at all..!!!

You always need 3 blokes walking into a bar to make a joke!!

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, fuchsntf said:

Don't believe that at all..!!!

You always need 3 blokes walking into a bar to make a joke!!

A cheeky bastard, an ugly fella and a virgin all walk into a bar.

 

The barman says "What can I get you to drink @TiffToff88"?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Wanted: Skilled craftsmen to manufacture high quality snooker equipment.

Please form an orderly cue.

[foxfanazer]

Today I took part in a blindfolded masturbation competition. Fvck knows where I came

Edited 19 July 2019 by foxfanazer

[ketteringscott]

[Izzy]

What’s pink and hard in the morning?

 

The Financial Times crossword.

[Beliall]

[GeorgeTheFox]

Some bloody Egyptian bloke has just pulled up in his BMW, beeped his  horn several times and then stuck his bare arse out of the window.......

Bloody toot and car moon!

[Wortho]

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

I'm staggered. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

[Wortho]

If you were one of the many people outside the MEN Arena this evening, you'd have heard Bono singing. If you weren't; well tonight thank God it's them instead of you....

[Wortho]

Two Japanese blokes retired from the Sewerage works after 50 years working there, they never met, one did the day shift the other the night shift

Two nips that passed in the shite

[Bob Weasel Fox]

[The Fox Covert]

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

I'm staggered. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Sounds like the former chippy in Guthlaxton Street which never sold any chips. And don't go asking me about Mark Morrison!

[Buce]

Just now, The Fox Covert said:

Sounds like the former chippy in Guthlaxton Street which never sold any chips. And don't go asking me about Mark Morrison!

 

There's a shop in Wigston atm.

 

It's bizarre - everybody knows about it except Old Bill, it seems.