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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

I saw a woman having a baby today... I said.. "youre kidding"

 

4 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

I hear some maniac has been running around attacking bearded farm animals.

 

That really gets my goat.

You're kidding?

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

Meanwhile, Cristiano Ronaldo has denied having political ambitions. He was commenting in response to rumours in Portugal that an ex-Man Utd footballer planned to stand for the presidency.

 

Portuguese citizens are now alarmed at the prospect of a Nani state.

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Vince Vega

Vince Vega

Posted
Posted
56 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Went to see a gig last night, a band playing old indie songs, like Friday I'm In Love, Lullaby, The Lovecats, In Between Days and Boys Don't Cry.

 

They were called The Prevention.

 

They were better than The Cure.

I thought it was always The Corrs and The Cure?   

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

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58 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Went to see a gig last night, a band playing old indie songs, like Friday I'm In Love, Lullaby, The Lovecats, In Between Days and Boys Don't Cry.

 

They were called The Prevention.

 

They were better than The Cure.

 

 

I went to see an Elbow tribute band recently, they were called Arse.

 

They were so good, couldn't tell them apart...

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Buce

Buce

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Posted (edited)

 

Bruce and Digger were walking through the Outback on a remote cattle station. As Bruce stepped over a rock, he disturbed an Inland Taipan, the most venomous snake in Australia. The snake was quick, but Bruce was quicker and as he grabbed Digger as a human shield, the Taipan struck and latched its fangs on to Digger's bell-end.

He screamed with pain and fell to the ground in agony. "Bruce!", he cried, "You're my only hope, mate - call the flying doctor!". Overwhelmed with guilt, Bruce whipped out his satellite phone and dialled the emergency services: "This is Bruce", he yelled, "Digger's been bit by a snake!". The operator put him straight through to the Flying Doctor Service. "Doc!", he cried, "it's Bruce - Digger's been bit by a snake!"

The doc was calmness personified. "OK, Bruce - I need to know what kind of snake it was".

"It's a bloody Taipan, doc!"

"Shit, Bruce, that's bad. Really bad. There's no way I get there in time - you're his only chance".
"Strewth, doc - what do I need to do?"

"You've got to locate the bite and suck out the poison, Bruce, or Digger will die a horrible death".

Bruce put down the phone and sat in silent contemplation.

"What did the doc say, Bruce?" called Digger.

"He says your gonna die, mate".

Edited by Buce
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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
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3 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Bruce and Digger were walking through the Outback on a remote cattle station. As Bruce stepped over a rock, he disturbed an Inland Taipan, the most venomous snake in Australia. The snake was quick, but Bruce was quicker and as he grabbed Digger as a human shield, the Taipan struck and latched its fangs on to Digger's bell-end.

He screamed with pain and fell to the ground in agony. "Bruce!", he cried, "You're my only hope, mate - call the flying doctor!". Overwhelmed with guilt, Bruce whipped out his satellite phone and dialled the emergency services: "This is Bruce", he yelled, "Digger's been bit by a snake!". The operator put him straight through to the Flying Doctor Service. "Doc!", he cried, "it's Bruce - Digger's been bit by a snake!"

The doc was calmness personified. "OK, Bruce - I need to know what kind of snake it was".

"It's a bloody Taipan, doc!"

"Shit, Bruce, that's bad. Really bad. There's no way I get there in time - you're his only chance".
"Strewth, doc - what do I need to do?"

"You've got to find the bite and suck out the poison, Bruce, or Digger will die a horrible death".

Bruce put down the phone and sat in silent contemplation.

"What did the doc say, Bruce?" called Digger.

"He says your gonna die, mate".

 

This joke works better if you replace Bruce and Digger with Buce and OzLeicester, and "remote cattle station" with "remote hiking trail".....

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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18 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

This joke works better if you replace Bruce and Digger with Buce and OzLeicester, and "remote cattle station" with "remote hiking trail".....

 

Ha! What do you say, @ozleicester?

 

You've still got a couple of months to work on your fitness... :)

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
Just now, Alf Bentley said:

Wherever I go, I'm followed by this big bird with long legs and a massive bill.

 

I think I'm being storked.

I think you're spending too much time hanging around Sesame Street tbh.

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