Best Holiday - Worst Holiday

[The People's Hero]

I had a funny holiday once when I was going with my girlfriend and my mate and his girlfriend.

They broke up about 2 weeks before but still came together.

The atmosphere was bizarre as they repeatedly each pulled randoms.

I drank far far far too much.

All in all, a great holiday.

I've had some good ones though - never a bad one in fact.

[Alexikokopops]

I've got a little story to add here, will do later. Meeting to go to now.

Yes. YES

[Dr The Singh]

Best - Honeymoon in Orlanda and Miami

Worst - Turkey (Bodrum)!!

[Alexikokopops]

Best - Honeymoon in Orlanda and Miami

Worst - Turkey (Bodrum)!!

I've always been put off going to Bodrum because of the sheer number of awful kebab houses I've popped into at 3am called "Bodrums" AWFUL

[skinnydipper]

Best - Australia

Worst - Butlins Skegness Easter under 10s football tournament

[Master Fox]

Best: Cyprus, America

Worst: Tenerife

[The People's Hero]

I've got a little story to add here, will do later. Meeting to go to now.

This will be special. I know it.

[Ric Flair]

This will be special. I know it.

I need a good half hour to an hour to get it typed out. Might be struggling today and tomorrow, but i'll take it on.

[SOCCERROO FOX]

I need a good half hour to an hour to get it typed out. Might be struggling today and tomorrow, but i'll take it on.

You got me wet with excitment......especially after your ockto stacker story

[Collymore]

I need a good half hour to an hour to get it typed out. Might be struggling today and tomorrow, but i'll take it on.

It's not when you met Collymore on the falaraki high street is it?

[Ric Flair]

It's not when you met Collymore on the falaraki high street is it?

Hahaa, it does involve a Greek Island.

[Mickey O'Neil]

Best...I'm really struggling between Vegas & Belfast. I Think Belfast edges it.

Worst..Easily Greece (Kavos, Corfu). I'll never go back to Greece. (Never say 'Never' eh!?)

[Bert]

Looking forward to Ric's Story!

Every holiday I've been on I've enjoyed, so no bad ones, but both times I went to Florida were amazing, and last year when I went on a stag week to Magaluf was amazing.

[adam]

Best - Zante (I love the Greek islands) - Went with 14 of my mates. 2 weeks of absolute carnage. Brilliant.

Never had a bad holiday. Anythings better than work.

[Webbo]

I've always been put off going to Bodrum because of the sheer number of awful kebab houses I've popped into at 3am called "Bodrums" AWFUL

I went to Turkey this year and I have to say the kebabs here are much better than the kebabs there.

[Raj]

Best-Istanbul is awe inspiring.Goa's Brill too.

Worst-Agree with Berty...no holiday is Crap...anywhere which takes you away from leics MUST be alright!!

[lavrentis]

In my experience in crap holidays, you tend to have more fun because you tend to laugh at the place more. Because as most people were complaining about the drilling noise in the hotel, we would use it as an alarm

[Alexikokopops]

Flair is responding. Is it time for the story?

[Ric Flair]

Picture the scene, really soak it up.

I've just turned 13, i've arrived in Almeria, Roquetas De Mar to be precise. It's fookin hot, really hot. I usually go about my business looking the colour of casper the ghost so to be presented with 35 degree heat is about as welcome for me as a piss and a fart at the same time. Anyway i've shrugged it off as i'm armed with my brand new Agassi Tennis Racket, pickings!

Now at 13, I was old enough to not trust my Dad when it comes to holidays. In the past he'd took us on some dubious holidays where we'd had to fly from Bristol, Bournemouth and Cardiff respectively. The menace didn't care where we flew from as long as he got what he classed as an 'Ian Beale' (Deal). I'd tried to quash my reservations about this trip though, as my older brother was bringing his girlfriend along who came from a wealthy family, so surely me old boy would show a bit of decorum? The answer to that question was answered 20 seconds after the bus driver had dropped us all off.

My brother and his girlfriend, my other brother, my mum, my dad and me. Stood there, couldn't say a word. Absolutely gobsmacked, bewildered, scared, the audacity of the man! My eye sight in recent years has took a turn for the worst, contact lenses are worn at all times, but back then they were Lee Sharpe. I was witnessing what could only be described as terrorism. The building was brown, always a no no in my eyes. It was barren and david pleated. Inside it was just as bad, furniture that even fleas and turmites vacated long ago. 2 weeks, 2 fookin weeks here. You'd do less for bum rape.

Anyway, I went and had a butchers at the bedrooms. I mean, I wasn't going to be spending much time in the bathroom or the kitchen was I? I was going to be up early, chatting to the honeyz on the beach in the day and then partying at night. I must admit, I was daydreaming. Reality soon set in, there were 2 bedrooms. Oh dear, he really has excelled himself this time.

'There's 6 of us Dad!' I said

'Well you and your brother will have to sleep in the lounge, there's a camp bed and a sofa, well chair thing'

Lovely, what a gent, what a salt of the earth. As you could imagine, me and my brother couldn't contain our delight. It was like fighting who would rather have a bout of the shits or a mug of sick. And don't worry readers there was plenty of both which you will find out later, keep with me.

My brothers went wild at my dad, tempers frayed and I took myself away from the gig. Went exploring. In recent years i'd got in to a bit of bother on holiday, i'd got previous with the Belgium kids and I was hoping they'd not made the trip. I walked across a bit of desert, i'm not joking either Sierra Nevada or some bollocks like that. I found a swimming pool, as you might have guessed, our palace didn't possess one of those luxuries. I jumped in and all of life's problems I just shaked off. Next thing I knew, BANG! Out of nowhere i've been bombed in the pool, right on the bonnet. I was all over the place, trying to catch my breath. Who the mince has done that I thought? Anyway, I regained my composure and surfaced from the water. Fookin knew it, one of the Belgium's! What is it with them? Anyway I got out of the pool, walked straight up to him who was playing some fookin foreign version of pogs and kicked him in the head. Job done. Where's yer pogs now yer twat?

The next few days went without incident. Gullit was some sort of penis, Izzet had signed on a permanent for £600,000, I was buzzing. The initial protests of the gaff we were in had been put to one side, I mean, what could we do? I was on about £3 a week, I could hardly up sticks and check in to ES Paradise for the fortnight could I? So Don Scratto it was (I am not joking about the name of the place either, questions surely had to be asked by my dad when the booking itinerary came through, but no, don't be daft!) The sleeping arrangements were disgraceful, I had lost a mammoth game of Pass The Pigs with my brother, so I had the chair. I'd also discovered that the property we were residing in had been built on old swamp ground so we also had some other company join the party. Mosquito's, thousands of the bastards. The first night I slept in my Garry Parker City shirt and shorts, good combination I thought. Rookie error, very bad combination. Not sure whether the fookers were jealous of Parker's range of passing, but they took it out on me. About seventy bites, head to toe. I looked like John Merrick. So for the rest of the holiday I slept in jeans and a jumper, which was very pleasant. I lost about 3 stone and had hallucinations that I was a farmer and I had a dolphin as a scarecrow.

Things took a turn for the worst when we went to this other beach a few miles down the coast, it was meant to be good for snorkelling and surfing. The wind picked up from the African coast apparently and made some big waves. I got the li-lo out and went for a swim, the waves were big and soon enough I was out of my depth. I turned round to look for my dad but apparently the water was too boisterous for him and the current of the waves had about kegged him so he got out. I was stranded, the waves were about drowning me. I don't really know what happened next but I remember being pulled out of the water by a man who still to this day I am both thankful to him and scared of him. He saved me from drowning, but he also had the naughtiest pair of speedo's on I have ever seen before and it put me off my spaghetti hoops.

That night we all went out to celebrate my near death experience. Foolishly, my dad was put in charge of finding an appropriate eatery. We rocked up to this authentic Italian restaurant, looked ok, so we sat down. I ordered the cannelloni and even had half a shandy to wash it down. Weaker men would have been off their tits, but not me. The pasta turned up and I allowed myself for the first time all trip to let my guard down, i'd settled in to the hostile environment and was almost enjoying myself. SLAP. I took a bite, it about bounced out of my mouth. As soon as i'd eaten it I knew I was in trouble, alarm bells were ringing and so was my other ring.

Everyone elses food was of similar ilk and there was a bust up. My brother squirted salad cream at my other brothers girlfriend after she voiced her displeasure, a fork came back the other way. My family stuck up for my brothers girlfriend and I didn't think it was on myself. The slag deserved the sald cream. Things got quite bad actually and joking aside it is still a memory that haunts me to this day.

Let me explain. My brother stormed off and I went to find him, he'd always been looked upon as the cretin of the family and I wasn't having it not this time. Time to show some solidarity and stick up for him. I found him in the arcade pumping the bandit, he were getting nowhere with it. Pesatas were flying about left, right and centre. Now, my brother has always been a dab hand with a pellet gun, once shot me up the 'arris when I was on the golf course and he was in the bushes on my backswing, still made birdie. Anyway, he had a crack at some shooting game and won a couple of bottles of moody foreign babycham. We bollocked them down us and went home, turns out my mum and dad had started arguing about the nights proceedings and so much so that my mum threw a bull hammer at my dad. It was bad, really bad, you don't want to see your parents fighting. I got involved and took one in the melee, it was an accident I know, but I planted my dad anyway and then I cried.

Although it was orrible, it did make me forget about the impending investigation that was filtering through my system and sure to make an appearance and some point in the near future. My mind is a little hazy of what day we were on when the explosive diahhorrea hit town, it was towards the end of the holiday i'm sure, certainly in to the 2nd week. The term ' i'd leave it fifteen before you go in there pal ' is often used willy nilly and has lost it's value, but in this instance it was the real deal. It was enough to scare police horses, even the mosquito's fooked off. I was going through bog roll like no man's business and I didn't see day light for a few days. What was a welcome surprise though was that I wasn't sick at any time during this solitary confinement and I thought i'd got a way with it.

I think I finally got the all clear with a day or so of the holiday left, so with ground to make up I hit the beach with the family. I was still suspicious of the sea, so I just milled about on the sun loungers peering over my comics to look at the tidy boilers. Anyway, I was minding my own business, may have even been nodding off in the shade when I felt a nip. When I say a nip, it was more like a red hot poker being furiously stabbed in to my foot. I looked down to see a very small scorpion playing cowboys and indians with me. I about shit mesen, which granted given my recent predicament wasn't much of a surprise, but you don't need this. Not on yer fookin holidays, what had I done in a previous life to deserve this? What sort of holiday destination has scorpions on beaches? The little swine got drowned in a bottle of Evian and I took no pleasure out of the victory but a win's a win.

That was it for me, I didn't sleep that night or the last night. I didn't trust man kind, I stayed up and kept checking things to make sure there was nothing on the way to get me. Kept checking the bins, the shitter, the sinks, to make sure no snakes or anything had come through the Spanish sewage system to have a nosh at me. Refused any food and brushed my teeth with my finger just incase this place had a milkman or postman that had had an itchy arse on shift and reached for the nearest instrument.

The bus journey back to the airport was going swimmingly, even all the debris from the unfinished buildings that was flying through the windows felt nice as I knew I was on the home straight. Then I had an unpleasant burp, which bought more than I bargained for. There'd been a bit of sick. Oh for fook sake, why me? Hadn't I been through enough already what with the mosquito's, nearly dying, the shits, the scorpion and my dad. Luckily I was sitting next to my mum who acted fast and whipped out a bag for me to be sick in, downside to that was that the bag belonged to me and it had my Alba Walkman in it, Fat's Domino was ruined. In fact I don't think i've heard Chubby Checker and The Fat Boys - We're Doin The Twist since. We got to the airport armed with a bag o' sick to greet customs with. I gave them the slip and went straight in to trap 2 and ralphed and ralphed. I don't know what had gone on next door, but I think some kids had thrown a few stink bombs in and locked the door, it wasn't what I needed. I took bodies.

After I had nothing left to give to the services of sickness, I fled the scene. Got out in to the departure lounge and went to find my family. I caught a glimpse of myself, it wasn't pretty. The 2 weeks had taken their toll, either that or i'd had an uphill paper round as a kid. I couldn't see my family, but instead I was faced with Mike Sheron the Stoke City Predator. It perked me up a bit, I gave him the nod, he knew the nod. The nod that says, i'm a Leicester fan, stick your deliah up your arse, Garry Parker 1-0 on the volley, Wembley for us, Almeria for you for your holidays. Then it dawned upon me, yes I had the Wembley win and the Premiership, but I too had the mispleasure of Almeria like Sheron. What I couldn't fathom out though is why did Big Ears Mike look relaxed and refreshed, tanned and drunk on life? And I looked patchy red, bitten to fook, piss wet through in sweat and sick and a couple of stone lighter. Turns out he'd gone 5 star about 40 miles down the coast, couldn't really compete with that so with my tail between my legs (mainly as a safety measure to prevent any further follow through) I scurried off to finally get out of this shit hole.

Plane journey was sweet as a bell, even managed a bit of cuisine without seeing it again and did some colouring in. Then the plane landed, well it didn't land, it had a little crash and although it was fairly innocuous, the baggage door got jammed and we had to wait an hour and a half for the bags to come through the flaps. Mix that in with about a 4 hour drive home from the arse end of England and you've got yourselves a winner.

It was all about heads and volleys when I got home, I even punch the air in delight when I went for a 50/50 ball and skidded in some dog shit. I was back!

Right then, time for my worst holiday........................

[Alexikokopops]

2471 words of pure genius

Exceptional, truely exceptional. I've written essays shorter than that!

[The People's Hero]

Best post ever.

No contest.

[Milky]

[OriginalRobboFOX]

Picture the scene........ Right then, time for my worst holiday.

Best Post Ever! Pure genius, people in the office are looking at me as I have laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes....

[JakeShingler]

Edited by 'kokopops to save space. People can click on the orange arrow to read Flair's post again

Best post ever

[Tilley]

Best post ever.

No contest.

I concur.

Ric, your fast becoming a posting icon.