Depression

[Guest Harrydc]

Really struggling atm.

 

drinking is becoming more and more of a problem , I sometimes don't know what to do with myself . 

 

Im always fearing the worst of every situation and I'm very shaky and jittery. Anxiety levels are through the roof , things were bad but ever since my crash 8 months ago.. yes 8 months ago things seem to have got worse. It was very traumatic, an incident with a pushbike coming towards me on a dual carriageway , sometimes when I shut my eyes it's all I can see. It's pathetic because it was so long ago and I haven't been able to get in a car since then. 

 

 Citralopram isn't working for me , even though the dose has been doubled. Sorry for saying all this I'm just thinking if I get things off my chest I can maybe feel better , I don't know but at the moment I'm struggling . Everything seems like such a drag. 

[gw_leics772]

15 minutes ago, Harrydc said:

Really struggling atm.

 

drinking is becoming more and more of a problem , I sometimes don't know what to do with myself . 

 

Im always fearing the worst of every situation and I'm very shaky and jittery. Anxiety levels are through the roof , things were bad but ever since my crash 8 months ago.. yes 8 months ago things seem to have got worse. It was very traumatic, an incident with a pushbike coming towards me on a dual carriageway , sometimes when I shut my eyes it's all I can see. It's pathetic because it was so long ago and I haven't been able to get in a car since then. 

 

 Citralopram isn't working for me , even though the dose has been doubled. Sorry for saying all this I'm just thinking if I get things off my chest I can maybe feel better , I don't know but at the moment I'm struggling . Everything seems like such a drag. 

Don't apologise.

 

The first thing I would say is thanks for coming here and offloading.

 

My initial thoughts are the professional treatment side. I will dig out an old post of mine but ultimately put pressure on your gp.

 

Often unfortunately that alone involves gathering what inner strength you have left just to get through that but it's worth it.

 

If.you can't get past reception, mention suicidal thoughts. Harsh but chances are you have had them judging by the time of this.

Keep your chin up and make sure your gp takes responsibility. There are an almost endless list of anti depressants and what works for one doesn't work for another. Medication. Step 1.

Step 2. Get referred for counselling.

Step 3. Don't bottle it up. This is a great place to offload, and don't feel bad if there is no-one you can talk to.

 

I love my wife to bits but when I'm down (And I've never had anything as traumatic as yours sounds to trigger it)

Unfortunately, she cannot make me feel better and ends up saying the wrong things.

 

Chin up chap.

[gw_leics772]

 

Page 67 onwards on this thread is a great place to start reading. Some good conversations had and proof that the advice taken has worked for people, as well as unfortunate reminder of the worst case scenario and why offloading here is good.

 

Good luck fella. I'd offer you my inbox but I fly to tenerife tomorrow and have no idea what internet access will be like

[Guest Harrydc]

2 minutes ago, gw_leics772 said:

 

Page 67 onwards on this thread is a great place to start reading. Some good conversations had and proof that the advice taken has worked for people, as well as unfortunate reminder of the worst case scenario and why offloading here is good.

 

Good luck fella. I'd offer you my inbox but I fly to tenerife tomorrow and have no idea what internet access will be like

Thank you mate it means a lot . Great bunch of people on here

[Crinklyfox]

21 minutes ago, Harrydc said:

Really struggling atm.

 

drinking is becoming more and more of a problem , I sometimes don't know what to do with myself . 

 

Im always fearing the worst of every situation and I'm very shaky and jittery. Anxiety levels are through the roof , things were bad but ever since my crash 8 months ago.. yes 8 months ago things seem to have got worse. It was very traumatic, an incident with a pushbike coming towards me on a dual carriageway , sometimes when I shut my eyes it's all I can see. It's pathetic because it was so long ago and I haven't been able to get in a car since then. 

 

 Citralopram isn't working for me , even though the dose has been doubled. Sorry for saying all this I'm just thinking if I get things off my chest I can maybe feel better , I don't know but at the moment I'm struggling . Everything seems like such a drag. 

If I were you I'd get back to my GP asap.  Your GP needs to know that prescription drugs aren't working.

 

No need to apologise for posting, this thread is for people experiencing difficulties to share them with others.  None of us are invulnerable and we all need help sometimes.

 

Drink isn't the answer.  It might generally numb the pain which seems like a good idea but prolonged drinking can be very destructive.  One of my wife's friends, a lovely lady who was a great nurse, turned to drink when she had relationship issues a few years ago.  Despite our best efforts she got progressively worse and is now in hospital, unable to care for herself effectively as her brain is so badly damaged.  She's just turned 60 and the drink has destroyed her in about four years.  It's terrible to see.

 

Trauma can live with you for some time.  It's not pathetic to have experienced trauma, please don't beat yourself up.  It has changed you and with the right treatment you could recover, either fully or partially.  If you had been physically injured you wouldn't expect your body to immediately work as well as it had before the accident, the same goes for your mind and a traumatic situation.  It is probably a lot less traumatic than your incident but many years ago I was involved in a car accident and was unable to drive for some time afterwards, but I eventually recovered and now have no reaction at all to driving.

 

Fearing the worst in every situation is typical of depression where the depressed person concentrates on the potential bad outcomes to every situation and the expense of the good.  It has to be overcome for you to recover, but getting effective medication is also essential.

 

To try to put your negative thoughts in perspective, may I recommend that you write them down and assign a realistic probability to each, for example:

 

Thought - I can't get into a car because it might crash (realistic probability way below 1% based on how many car journeys you've taken in your life and how many accidents you've been involved in)

Thought - If I'm in a crash I could kill someone (realistic possibility actually quite low if you're driving sensibly and observing the speed limit)

 

I suspect your reluctance to get into a car is more influenced by the fear of experiencing more trauma than anything else so getting medication that reduces your anxiety levels should help.

 

Right now you're feeling awful and you probably have every right to feel awful considering what you've been through and what you're going through.  It's bad but it's neither permanent nor unfixable, you just need to get through it with medical and any other support that's available.  Keep posting, this thread has a load of contributors who have had their own demons and overcome them and who can pass on their experiences to you.

[Guest Harrydc]

2 minutes ago, Crinklyfox said:

If I were you I'd get back to my GP asap.  Your GP needs to know that prescription drugs aren't working.

 

No need to apologise for posting, this thread is for people experiencing difficulties to share them with others.  None of us are invulnerable and we all need help sometimes.

 

Drink isn't the answer.  It might generally numb the pain which seems like a good idea but prolonged drinking can be very destructive.  One of my wife's friends, a lovely lady who was a great nurse, turned to drink when she had relationship issues a few years ago.  Despite our best efforts she got progressively worse and is now in hospital, unable to care for herself effectively as her brain is so badly damaged.  She's just turned 60 and the drink has destroyed her in about four years.  It's terrible to see.

 

Trauma can live with you for some time.  It's not pathetic to have experienced trauma, please don't beat yourself up.  It has changed you and with the right treatment you could recover, either fully or partially.  If you had been physically injured you wouldn't expect your body to immediately work as well as it had before the accident, the same goes for your mind and a traumatic situation.  It is probably a lot less traumatic than your incident but many years ago I was involved in a car accident and was unable to drive for some time afterwards, but I eventually recovered and now have no reaction at all to driving.

 

Fearing the worst in every situation is typical of depression where the depressed person concentrates on the potential bad outcomes to every situation and the expense of the good.  It has to be overcome for you to recover, but getting effective medication is also essential.

 

To try to put your negative thoughts in perspective, may I recommend that you write them down and assign a realistic probability to each, for example:

 

Thought - I can't get into a car because it might crash (realistic probability way below 1% based on how many car journeys you've taken in your life and how many accidents you've been involved in)

Thought - If I'm in a crash I could kill someone (realistic possibility actually quite low if you're driving sensibly and observing the speed limit)

 

I suspect your reluctance to get into a car is more influenced by the fear of experiencing more trauma than anything else so getting medication that reduces your anxiety levels should help.

 

Right now you're feeling awful and you probably have every right to feel awful considering what you've been through and what you're going through.  It's bad but it's neither permanent nor unfixable, you just need to get through it with medical and any other support that's available.  Keep posting, this thread has a load of contributors who have had their own demons and overcome them and who can pass on their experiences to you.

Thank you for taking the time out your day to respond it's means more to me than you could imagine. When your in such a dark place it's people like you that make there seem to be a little bit of light in my situation. Thank you.

[gw_leics772]

An additional story regarding the drink o  a far lower scale than crinkly's.

 

In my extended circle of friends there are a lot suffering with anxiety and/Or depression, and to a man, or woman, everybody suffers tenfold on a  hangover.

 

Let's just say after a 40th birthday party directly after the England match there are a lot of people on my Facebook feed venting that their depression/anxiety was bad yesterday.

 

The big difference I would say to you though is that they are long term suffered and knew it was coming. Just a part of the hangover for us so we.know it is to just be endured as there is no way we can enjoy the 12 hour bender induced hangover.

 

You know drink is not the answer, hence you including it in your post, but don't overly worry about being a full blown alcoholic. None of us have quit drinking, just cut down knowing that the hangover will stink.

 

You will get to that point with meds and talking and come through the other side, and you'll be stronger for the experience.

 

My personal life is riddled with shit at the minute but I'm off on holiday tomorrow so **** it. 

 

Perspective is the biggest thing that my happy pills deliver (paroxetine 35mg) and the first thing to go with a proper bout of depression.

 

And we do understand what it means to you, that's why we are happy to give the advice.

 

Altruism is another good thing to fend off depression. I help out at youth clubs and also helping with advice on this thread also improves your self worth.

 

See you on the other side when you can pass on your specific experiences. At least yours has a start point ?

 

Mines just hereditary bullshit.

[Guest Harrydc]

Thanks everyone for the replies . I've had a long thing and I'm going to try to change. I'm going back to the GP on Wednesday, and I've decided to go cold turkey with alcohol. I hope I can make this work because if I can't I don't know what's going to happen to me or what I will do. 

[foxfanazer]

The worst feeling is thinking you’re on the mend and then it creeping back up on you for no particular reason. Sort of makes you feel like you’ll never escape it and that the feeling ok was fake

[Carl the Llama]

On 26/06/2018 at 21:10, Buce said:

 

Well, as I said, lifted*fox has said pretty much everything I was going to say.

 

More personally, as a young man, I experienced the same existential crisis that lifted*fox is having now, and my response was pretty much the same - I quit my job, sold everything I had to sell, and took off travelling. During the next few years, I was introduced to a variety of psychedelics - LSD, Peyote, Psilocybin, Salvia - and various strains of marijuana. I know it's a hippy cliché but they really did expand my mind. I gained an understanding of who I am, and the self-confidence to do things that I know I would never have done without exposure to the drugs. I never had a bad trip - I don't accept that there is any such thing - just a series of experiences that increased my self-awareness. I never became a regular or habitual user, though weed has remained part of my life to this day (although I'm on a self-imposed abstinence atm).

 

I accept that there is a dividing line between drug abuse and drug use - I was never an abuser - and you might have noted that everything I did was a natural substance, not a manufactured chemical, which is possibly significant.

Unfortunately I can assure you that there is:  Years ago now I had an acid trip where I double dropped thinking it wasn't kicking in strongly enough and clearly ended up taking way too much so that what started off as a fun, relaxing afternoon in the Brighton hills near my house ended with all my insecurities being blown up to monstrous proportions as I lived through a series of terrifying events from the relatively mundane experience (compared to the others that night) of the world around me transforming into hell, to being repeatedly sucked through the centre-point of a singularity gasping for air, to the living nightmare of decaying all the way down to my toe and fingernails while yelling vaguely related non-sequiturs like a madman and so on.

 

I have no doubts that all the horrific stuff I went through was a product of my very negative general state of mind at the time (I was going through one of the worst phases of depression I've endured).  The experience has taught me how LSD can feed off depressive thought processes and as a result I've not touched the stuff since because though I'd very much like to delve back into it in search of the mind alteration that others benefit from when taking the drug I simply haven't reached a consistently positive enough state of mind where I'd feel confident of avoiding a similar trip.  I suppose you could argue that it wasn't a bad trip because the whole thing taught me a lot about myself but I'd still class it as one given the emotions and sensations I was put through.  A mostly bad trip anyway: At the narrow end of the experience I emerged from my room naked as the day I was born and convinced I was dead and in heaven after everything I'd been through. Having a couple of angels take it upon themselves to clothe me was a pretty fun and unique experience.  The girls I lived with at the time didn't enjoy having their faces near my arse and bollocks while they struggled to put trousers on me though.

 

So yeah I wouldn't recommend acid to depressed people for this one key reason, at least not a full on dose in any case.  Very much a proceed with extreme caution deal.

 

Sorry for the diversion back to an older conversation there, I just wanted to set the record straight on that point, don't want anyone getting the impression that LSD is a risk-free endeavour and put themselves through similar mental torture thinking they're about to cure their depression.

[Kopfkino]

5 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Unfortunately I can assure you that there is:  Years ago now I had an acid trip where I double dropped thinking it wasn't kicking in strongly enough and clearly ended up taking way too much so that what started off as a fun, relaxing afternoon in the Brighton hills near my house ended with all my insecurities being blown up to monstrous proportions as I lived through a series of terrifying events from the relatively mundane experience (compared to the others that night) of the world around me transforming into hell, to being repeatedly sucked through the centre-point of a singularity gasping for air, to the living nightmare of decaying all the way down to my toe and fingernails while yelling vaguely related non-sequiturs like a madman and so on.

 

I have no doubts that all the horrific stuff I went through was a product of my very negative general state of mind at the time (I was going through one of the worst phases of depression I've endured).  The experience has taught me how LSD can feed off depressive thought processes and as a result I've not touched the stuff since because though I'd very much like to delve back into it in search of the mind alteration that others benefit from when taking the drug I simply haven't reached a consistently positive enough state of mind where I'd feel confident of avoiding a similar trip.  I suppose you could argue that it wasn't a bad trip because the whole thing taught me a lot about myself but I'd still class it as one given the emotions and sensations I was put through.  A mostly bad trip anyway: At the narrow end of the experience I emerged from my room naked as the day I was born and convinced I was dead and in heaven after everything I'd been through. Having a couple of angels take it upon themselves to clothe me was a pretty fun and unique experience.  The girls I lived with at the time didn't enjoy having their faces near my arse and bollocks while they struggled to put trousers on me though.

 

So yeah I wouldn't recommend acid to depressed people for this one key reason, at least not a full on dose in any case.  Very much a proceed with extreme caution deal.

 

Sorry for the diversion back to an older conversation there, I just wanted to set the record straight on that point, don't want anyone getting the impression that LSD is a risk-free endeavour and put themselves through similar mental torture thinking they're about to cure their depression.

 

Thing is I would absolutely recommend acid to depressed people but yeah lots of caution is necessary. I only use it when I'm going through a bad patch (occasionally micro dose when I'm wanting to think) cos more often than not it sets me right. The way it liberates your mind is hugely useful for me, just helps remove the block that let's negative thoughts fester. It and mushrooms have been the only thing that's been effective for me.

 

I had one 'bad trip' but it was still useful though not as nightmarish as yours sounds. I'm careful with doses by dissolving into distilled water nowadays and I think that is the way to proceed for risky types.

[Izzy]

5 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

The worst feeling is thinking you’re on the mend and then it creeping back up on you for no particular reason. Sort of makes you feel like you’ll never escape it and that the feeling ok was fake

I've done a lot of reading recently on innate health and well being. 

 

There is a school of thought that feeling O.K. is naturally our 'default' position as human beings and it's the other negative feelings creeping in that are fake.

 

It's a different spin and angle on things but it's one that now makes sense to me now. The philosophy being that we're born 'perfect' with clarity, well being and peace of mind but as we grow older we start to believe some of our negative thoughts to be true and therefore feel anxious/depressed as a result.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that things are actually O.K. and that when it feels like they're not, it's because of my crooked thinking.

 

So there is nothing to 'mend' as we're already fixed. "We are already enlightened" and all that...

 

I know people with say this is BS but it kinda works for me now to believe this to be true. 

[Buce]

On 10/07/2018 at 00:45, Carl the Llama said:

Unfortunately I can assure you that there is:  Years ago now I had an acid trip where I double dropped thinking it wasn't kicking in strongly enough and clearly ended up taking way too much so that what started off as a fun, relaxing afternoon in the Brighton hills near my house ended with all my insecurities being blown up to monstrous proportions as I lived through a series of terrifying events from the relatively mundane experience (compared to the others that night) of the world around me transforming into hell, to being repeatedly sucked through the centre-point of a singularity gasping for air, to the living nightmare of decaying all the way down to my toe and fingernails while yelling vaguely related non-sequiturs like a madman and so on.

 

I have no doubts that all the horrific stuff I went through was a product of my very negative general state of mind at the time (I was going through one of the worst phases of depression I've endured).  The experience has taught me how LSD can feed off depressive thought processes and as a result I've not touched the stuff since because though I'd very much like to delve back into it in search of the mind alteration that others benefit from when taking the drug I simply haven't reached a consistently positive enough state of mind where I'd feel confident of avoiding a similar trip.  I suppose you could argue that it wasn't a bad trip because the whole thing taught me a lot about myself but I'd still class it as one given the emotions and sensations I was put through.  A mostly bad trip anyway: At the narrow end of the experience I emerged from my room naked as the day I was born and convinced I was dead and in heaven after everything I'd been through. Having a couple of angels take it upon themselves to clothe me was a pretty fun and unique experience.  The girls I lived with at the time didn't enjoy having their faces near my arse and bollocks while they struggled to put trousers on me though.

 

So yeah I wouldn't recommend acid to depressed people for this one key reason, at least not a full on dose in any case.  Very much a proceed with extreme caution deal.

 

Sorry for the diversion back to an older conversation there, I just wanted to set the record straight on that point, don't want anyone getting the impression that LSD is a risk-free endeavour and put themselves through similar mental torture thinking they're about to cure their depression.

 

I certainly wasn't arguing that taking psychedelic drugs is risk-free, Carl, so I'm happy for you to clarify that. And I would never encourage anyone in the use of any drug - it most definitely has to be a personal choice that comes from within.

 

However, I don't accept that what you had was a bad trip - what you had was a trip that you responded negatively to. A trip isn't bad in itself, it's merely an experience which you can accept for what it is and view it as a window into your mind, without couching it in terms of good or bad. It may not always be a pleasant experience, I won't argue against that what you experienced was unpleasant, but with all due respect, if you take psychedelics expecting a nice warm cannabis high every time, then maybe you shouldn't be taking them at all.

 

To paraphrase a slogan from the sixties, Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.

[ajthefox]

This isn't really about depression, but it's an interesting (short) article about how Southgate has tried to re-frame the mentality of the England squad.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/football/2018/jul/10/psychology-england-football-team-change-your-life-pippa-grange

 

Thoughts on the football aside, there are some interesting nuggets that touch on fear of failure and the negative effects your mindset can have and I think it echoes some of the conversations that have been had in here before and most recently @Izzy Muzzett's comments above.

 

 

[whoareyaaa]

On ‎09‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 15:06, Harrydc said:

Really struggling atm.

 

drinking is becoming more and more of a problem , I sometimes don't know what to do with myself . 

 

Im always fearing the worst of every situation and I'm very shaky and jittery. Anxiety levels are through the roof , things were bad but ever since my crash 8 months ago.. yes 8 months ago things seem to have got worse. It was very traumatic, an incident with a pushbike coming towards me on a dual carriageway , sometimes when I shut my eyes it's all I can see. It's pathetic because it was so long ago and I haven't been able to get in a car since then. 

 

 Citralopram isn't working for me , even though the dose has been doubled. Sorry for saying all this I'm just thinking if I get things off my chest I can maybe feel better , I don't know but at the moment I'm struggling . Everything seems like such a drag. 

Have you tried smoking cannabis? 

[Guest Harrydc]

5 minutes ago, whoareyaaa said:

Have you tried smoking cannabis? 

I have in the past, at the time is made me more paranoid and more anxious and wasn't worth it , if anything personally it made me worse 

[whoareyaaa]

50 minutes ago, Harrydc said:

I have in the past, at the time is made me more paranoid and more anxious and wasn't worth it , if anything personally it made me worse 

fair enough, the military used to treat soldiers with traumatic experiences that's the only reason I asked,  have you tried meditation? 

 

Time is a healer so eventually you will get back to normal life, just relax take a holiday or something. enjoy yourself.

 

 

[Guest Harrydc]

39 minutes ago, whoareyaaa said:

fair enough, the military used to treat soldiers with traumatic experiences that's the only reason I asked,  have you tried meditation? 

 

Time is a healer so eventually you will get back to normal life, just relax take a holiday or something. enjoy yourself.

 

 

Ah I didn't know that , that's interesting , it must just work different for different people . I've tried sertraline citralopram and now I'm changing to something else (can't remember what it is without going to check the prescription  ) to see if I have any better luck with that. Hopefully it works because if it don't I feel kinda doomed :/ 

[Buce]

 

I thought this might be of interest to some of you:

 

[gw_leics772]

Good call buce. I read somewhere that a handful of cashews gave the same effect as an anti depressant. Wouldn't recommend it instead but we can't be too happy can we.

 

(We'll I can. My wife sometimes prefers me miserable cos when I'm happy I get naughty)

 

Tried it for a few days. Seemed good then forgot all about it again. 

[Buce]

23 minutes ago, gw_leics772 said:

Good call buce. I read somewhere that a handful of cashews gave the same effect as an anti depressant. Wouldn't recommend it instead but we can't be too happy can we.

 

(We'll I can. My wife sometimes prefers me miserable cos when I'm happy I get naughty)

 

Tried it for a few days. Seemed good then forgot all about it again. 

 

I'm a firm believer that many physical and emotional problems are at the very least exacerbated by poor nutrition, if not caused by it. I also believe that combined with regular exercise you can often eat yourself healthy or at least relieve the worst of the symptoms.

Edited 15 July 2018 by Buce

[gw_leics772]

19 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I'm a firm believer that many physical and emotional problems are at the very least exacerbated by poor nutrition, if not caused by it. I also believe that combined with regular exercise you can often eat yourself healthy or at least relieve the worst of the symptoms.

 

Definitely. With my.lucky cocktail of depression, up and down weight and high blood pressure, I now exercise every evening for an hour on my exercise bike and it makes me feel better. Mind you I'm also watching Dexter in a room on my own, but I've already been to far down that route In another thread and it didn't really help with the accompanying character assassination. ?

[Guest Harrydc]

So the drinking ban I put on my self was unsuccessful , back to square one.. where to go from here .. 

[Izzy]

14 minutes ago, Harrydc said:

So the drinking ban I put on my self was unsuccessful , back to square one.. where to go from here .. 

Well, I guess the first question is why was it unsuccessful? 

 

And the second question is what was the trigger/thought that lead you to start drinking again?

[joachim1965]

Well it cuts just like a knife

takes away your love of life

puts out your fire and leaves you in the ashes.

And you lay there in your hole

what you love now leaves you cold

it's hard to find the strength to face the morning.

some days you really feel like hiding

some days you swear you'll never go out anymore.

 

This is the first verse from a song called My dark places by Stiff Little Fingers, it is a song written by Jake Burns who has struggled with depression all his life. For anyone who is struggling at tge minute it really is worth a listen as it shows that this illness can be overcome with the right help and support, also the overall message is don't suffer in silence.