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The joke thread

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16 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'd just like to warn everyone, think I got a scam phone call today. It said I had won either £600 or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. You have to reply by pressing 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.

They called me too, but I hung up. I wanted a little less conversation.

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Alligators can live up to 200 years...

 

Which is why there's a good chance that they will see you later.

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My wife said she wanted to get rid of her love handles

I told her she'd look weird with no ears

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Two drunk ladies stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realises she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her underpants off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realises she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her underpants but she thinks to herself, "I'm not using my knickers, these are expensive! Victoria's Secret isn't something I could throw away." So she grabs a ribbon from a nearby grave and wipes herself.

The next morning the husbands of the girls call each other. The first girls husband says, "Mate, my wife came home with no pants on and can't remember anything. I'm divorcing her!" The second husband says, "That's nothing mate, my wife came home, couldn't remember anything and had a ribbon stuck to her arse saying "We will never forget you!" signed by Dave, Jim, Mike, Phil and the whole of the 21st Airborne Regiment!"

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13 hours ago, Vossen said:

Any more Duck walks into a bar jokes...

I know a brilliant one about bread and nails

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Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

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On 20/04/2018 at 12:15, Vince Vega said:

Pinched from Chris Evans breakfast show on Radio 2 this morning:

 

A champion winning racehorse walks into a bar in Blackpool for a drink and a bit of down time.  Next to him was a donkey from the local beach, who was on his lunch break.  The pair got talking, as you do, and the racehorse invites the donkey back to his pad for something to eat.  Whilst the racehorse is preparing the food, the donkey has a bit of a nose round and sees photos on the wall of the racehorse's victories.  There he was in his full glory, winning races such as The Oaks, 1000 Guineas Stakes, 2000 Guineas Stakes, The Derby, St Leger etc.  The donkey begins to feel very much inferior to the racehorse and so hatches a plan to impress the racehorse, when he returns the favour and invites the racehorse for lunch the next day.

 

That afternoon, the donkey nips over to the local zoo, looking for inspiration.  After looking around for a while, he finally takes a picture of a Zebra.  He rushes back home and after much photo shopping, enlarging and printing, he produces a picture himself as a Zebra and hangs it on the wall, ready for the next day.

 

The next lunchtime, the racehorse arrives at the donkey's tiny shed and immediately notices the photo on the wall.  "What's this all about?" asks the racehorse.  "Oh that" says the donkey.  "That was when I used to play for Juventus!".......       

 

8 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

 

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the repitition of jokes is getting unreal in this thread

 

 

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43 minutes ago, Beliall said:

the repitition of jokes is getting unreal in this thread

 

 

Well, it has been going 12 years and is on page 354. I think you'd been hard-pressed to not get any repetition. 

As I have learned, the use of the search function is helpful.

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9 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Well, it has been going 12 years and is on page 354. I think you'd been hard-pressed to not get any repetition. 

As I have learned, the use of the search function is helpful.

yeah ii get that, but alot are repeats from 1 or  2 weeks ago

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2 hours ago, Beliall said:

the repitition of jokes is getting unreal in this thread

 

 

 

I started at about page 50 and repeated about one joke a week for ages till either Bucey or Muzzett spotted it ....   by my reckoning they were good and worth a second airing ...   :D 

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2 hours ago, Beliall said:

the repitition of jokes is getting unreal in this thread

 

 

Taint.   :P

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1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

The repetition of jokes is getting unreal in this thread

Taint.   :P

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24 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

Taint.   :P

 

23 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

Taint.   :P

 

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love

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Close thread, delete, start again. Then there can be no more complaining about recycled jokes :thumbup:

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12 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

 

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love

 

Awwww Alf ...   did you run to me ...      :wub:

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1 minute ago, Countryfox said:

 

Awwww Alf ...   did you run to me ...      :wub:

 

....until I saw the orange shorts...

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Just now, Alf Bentley said:

 

....until I saw the orange shorts...

:mad: ....    move on !

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9 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

....until I saw the orange shorts...

 

...and the moobs.

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Just now, Buce said:

 

...and the moobs.

 

9 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

:mad: ....    move on !

 

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