The joke thread

[Filbert_Ross]

A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for years. 

Didn't even know he was a barber...

[cambridgefox]

On 15/06/2017 at 12:37, foxfanazer said:

I'm in shock! The local barber in my area has just been sent down for 5 years for selling drugs. I was regular customer of his and thought I really knew him. He never told me he was a barber! 

Oh hello!

[Filbert_Ross]

8 hours ago, cambridgefox said:

Oh hello!

 

?. I even used the search function for ‘drug dealer’ to cover myself. 

[cambridgefox]

4 hours ago, Filbert_Ross said:

 

?. I even used the search function for ‘drug dealer’ to cover myself. 

I can remember that joke,and Izzy taught me the look up function so tested it out.

wont do it anymore mind.

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

13 hours ago, Filbert_Ross said:

A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for years. 

Didn't even know he was a barber...

Sounds like a close shave then . . . . 

[Buce]

14 hours ago, Filbert_Ross said:

A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for years. 

Didn't even know he was a barber...

 

13 hours ago, cambridgefox said:

Oh hello!

 

On 21/03/2017 at 19:26, Buce said:

News just coming in:

 

Police have confirmed that a raid on a house next to Beaumont Leys library found guns and several thousand pounds worth of drugs.

 

Neighbours expressed their shock - they didn't know Beaumont Leys had a library..

 

[Beliall]

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

[Strokes]

2 hours ago, Beliall said:

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

How many accounts do you have @Izzy Muzzett?

[notnow john]

I've been trying to teach my dog to dance.

Turns out he's got two left feet!

[Alf Bentley]

1 hour ago, notnow john said:

I've been trying to teach my dog to dance.

Turns out he's got two left feet!

 

Could be the Mahrez replacement we need. 

[Strokes]

1 hour ago, notnow john said:

I've been trying to teach my dog to dance.

Turns out he's got two left feet!

That’s really tickled me

 

[Wortho]

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants?

 

Cos Chernobyl fallout!!

[Izzy]

24 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants?

 

Cos Chernobyl fallout!!

Haven’t heard that since High School in 1986! 

[Matt]

Today marks an unbelievable achievement in sporting history.

 

...Claude Puel is still in a job.

[Wortho]

Went to a sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, 'I'm good but not ready for competitions yet'.

[KingsX]

Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement.

 

In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

[Durnerz]

I was teaching my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground the other day.....he went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.

[Buce]

12 minutes ago, Durnerz said:

I was teaching my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground the other day.....he went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.

 

My dog has no nose...

 

NO, IZZY! NO!

[Strokes]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

My dog has no nose...

 

NO, IZZY! NO!

Terrible.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I'd just like to warn everyone, think I got a scam phone call today. It said I had won either £600 or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. You have to reply by pressing 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.

[Buce]

58 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'd just like to warn everyone, think I got a scam phone call today. It said I had won either £600 or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. You have to reply by pressing 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.

 

Was the tribute act that Muslim Elvis impersonator - Amal Shukup?

[Izzy]

On 11/30/2016 at 21:39, Spudulike said:

Just had one of those spam calls telling me that I'd won a competition and that I could choose my prize. The options were £50 or two tickets to see an Elvis impersonator.

 

It said, press...

 

One for the money

Two for the show

 

2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'd just like to warn everyone, think I got a scam phone call today. It said I had won either £600 or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. You have to reply by pressing 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.

That's inflation for ya 

[Trav Le Bleu]

32 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

That's inflation for ya 

What's with the joke police these days?

[Izzy]

9 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

What's with the joke police these days?

Just a bit of bantz mate highlighting how many unoriginal jokes there are these days 

[Alf Bentley]

12 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'd just like to warn everyone, think I got a scam phone call today. It said I had won either £600 or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. You have to reply by pressing 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.

 

I thought there were other options? 3 for a personal dresser and an unnumbered option for free accommodation at the feline pet rescue centre?