The joke thread

[Guest kristianity77]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

 

Think it was a Jihaddy Long Legs.

[Beliall]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

Think it was a Jihaddy Long Legs.

!

[Webbo]

A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local ASDA 

supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in 

that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bast*rd outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had 

followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and 

this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

 

 

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation 

earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you 

from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players 

there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

[Beliall]

[Swarles Barkley]

Officials in the east Midlands were shocked yesterday to discover that the reported earthquake at around 2:30 local time, was actually every forest fan crashing back down onto Earth.

Edited 18 October 2014 by the FONZ ayyyyyyy

[separator]

My vacuum cleaner packed up so I wrapped it up in a Sunderland scarf.

 

Now it sucks again.

[Buce]

My vacuum cleaner packed up so I wrapped it up in a Sunderland scarf.

Now it sucks again.

They don't Mackem like that anymore...

[Beliall]

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Stolen from Facebook, who stole it from various comics

[Jimothy]

Most sound like Milton Jones efforts.

[Beliall]

Yeah. And that canadian guy

[Jimothy]

Stewart Francis?

[VLC86]

I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was eating a Creme Egg so i asked him 'What's your favourite religious festival?' to which he replied 'You have to love Easter, Baby'

[Parafox]

I see that ISIS have now got a terrorist 7 piece rock and roll tribute band.

 

 

 

They're called Jihadiwaddy...

[bovril]

I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was eating a Creme Egg so i asked him 'What's your favourite religious festival?' to which he replied 'You have to love Easter, Baby'

 

I had to say this a couple of times in a Schwarzenegger voice until I got it.

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

How does Mr Miyagi relax?

Wax off

[VLC86]

I had to say this a couple of times in a Schwarzenegger voice until I got it.

Ha i know, thats why i found it funny as i read it about 3x and thought what the fk!

[Tielemans63]

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisor?

He got the sack.

[Beliall]

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisor?

He got the sack.

[cambridgefox]

I went to the pet shop the other day to buy some breeding birds.

The shop keeper said" Have you got a store card?"

" no" I said" but I did get a budgie excited once"

[Aus Fox]

WANTED:

For up and coming Crocket Season:

Batters and fielders for the Liberian cricket team.

All other positions filled, as we already have Ebola.

[bovril]

WANTED:

For up and coming Crocket Season:

Batters and fielders for the Liberian cricket team.

All other positions filled, as we already have Ebola.

 

*groan*

[separator]

My leg won't stop mooing.

 

I think I've got a calf injury.

[Alf Bentley]

My leg won't stop mooing.

 

I think I've got a calf injury.

 

No, mate, that's bullocks. Still, don't be cowed. Just heifer rest.

[StanSP]

My leg won't stop mooing.

 

I think I've got a calf injury.

 

 

No, mate, that's bullocks. Still, don't be cowed. Just heifer rest.

 

Just reminded me of this

 

[Parafox]

I see that ISIS have now got a terrorist 7 piece rock and roll tribute band.

 

 

 

They're called Jihadiwaddy...

 

Well I thought it was funny...