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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Mike Oxlong

Mike Oxlong

Posted
Posted

A man went to see his doctor suffering with badly sun-burned legs. After examining him, the doctor said that he was prescribing Viagra.

"Will it take the pain away doc?" asked the man.

"No," said the doctor, "But it will keep the sheets off your legs tonight."

  • Like 3
Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted

Struggling .

 

Getting it relies on you knowing this staple joke.

 

Man 1: My Wife has gone to the Caribbean.

Man 2: Jamaica?

Man 1: No she went of her own accord.

 

And that it is a deliberately bad telling of it.

alden014

alden014

Posted
Posted

Officials in the east Midlands were shocked yesterday to discover that the reported earthquake at around 2:30 local time, was actually every forest fan crashing back down onto Earth.

  • Like 1
fatmando

fatmando

Posted
Posted

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

 

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

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Mike Oxlong

Mike Oxlong

Posted
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Posted

Had a massive argument with the missus last night after which she stormed out of the house.

Half an hour later I get a text.

"Gotaproblemwithmyphone.Thespacekeyisntworking.AnywayImfedupofthesecontinuingarguments.YouregoingtohavetomoveoutotherwisewhenIgethomeyouregoingtohavetogivemeanalternative.

I've made my decision. I'm not moving out. But wtf does ternative mean?

  • Like 5
Nick

Nick

Posted
Posted

Had a massive argument with the missus last night after which she stormed out of the house.

Half an hour later I get a text.

"Gotaproblemwithmyphone.Thespacekeyisntworking.AnywayImfedupofthesecontinuingarguments.YouregoingtohavetomoveoutotherwisewhenIgethomeyouregoingtohavetogivemeanalternative.

I've made my decision. I'm not moving out. But wtf does ternative mean?

lol brilliant

Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

The postman knocked at the door this morning. He held up a letter and said, "is this for you - the name's obliterated?"

I told him "no, my name's Buce.."

lianne81

lianne81

Posted
Posted

A man goes to a fancy dress party in nothing but a glass jar over his c**k. "Im a fireman, he said ............. in an emergency, break glass, pull knob& i'll cum as fast as i can!"

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

A man goes to a fancy dress party in nothing but a glass jar over his c**k. "Im a fireman, he said ............. in an emergency, break glass, pull knob& i'll cum as fast as i can!"

 

Really?

 

You seem to have the wrong thread. This is for jokes... you know..  things that actually make you laugh.

 

I'm guessing you're about 14 :blush:

lianne81

lianne81

Posted
Posted

Really?

 

You seem to have the wrong thread. This is for jokes... you know..  things that actually make you laugh.

 

I'm guessing you're about 14 :blush:

Have you read some the jokes on here ? this made me and others i know laugh , just cause it didn't make you laugh we can put what we like on here and add 20 years to that love 

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

Have you read some the jokes on here ? this made me and others i know laugh , just cause it didn't make you laugh we can put what we like on here and add 20 years to that love 

 

#Patronising

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

A man goes to a fancy dress party in nothing but a glass jar over his c**k. "Im a fireman, he said ............. in an emergency, break glass, pull knob& i'll cum as fast as i can!"

  

Really?

 

You seem to have the wrong thread. This is for jokes... you know..  things that actually make you laugh.

 

I'm guessing you're about 14 :blush:

  

Have you read some the jokes on here ? this made me and others i know laugh , just cause it didn't make you laugh we can put what we like on here and add 20 years to that love

  

#Patronising

Shame. I thought the jokes thread was the only sanctuary left on FT that was free from piss take, abuse and trolling. A place where we could put aside our differences, preferences and bias and just have a laugh. Sadly I was mistaken....

  • Like 1
RobHawk

RobHawk

Posted
Posted

Shame. I thought the jokes thread was the only sanctuary left on FT that was free from piss take, abuse and trolling. A place where we could put aside our differences, preferences and bias and just have a laugh. Sadly I was mistaken....

Pipe down hippy!

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

      

Shame. I thought the jokes thread was the only sanctuary left on FT that was free from piss take, abuse and trolling. A place where we could put aside our differences, preferences and bias and just have a laugh. Sadly I was mistaken....

Maybethe piss take and abuse were meant to be funny.

Edited by Rincewind
stix

stix

Posted
Posted

Really?

You seem to have the wrong thread. This is for jokes... you know.. things that actually make you laugh.

I'm guessing you're about 14 :blush:

Reading your contributions to this thread makes this comment all the more ironic.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
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Posted

Just been reading a book about how ships are put together.

It's riveting.

 

 

No need to go overboard. You're coming across like a hull fan.

  • Like 5

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