The joke thread

[the fox]

A roman walks into a theater, holds up two fingers and shouts "5 tickets, please!"

[notnow john]

1 hour ago, the fox said:

A roman walks into a theater, holds up two fingers and shouts "5 tickets, please!"

 

1 hour ago, the fox said:

A roman walks into a theater, holds up two fingers and shouts "5 tickets, please!"

Took me a while.??

[surrifox]

my Dad used to work in the theatre, his motto was "always leave them wanting more" - eventually cost him his job as an anaesthetist 

[Crinklyfox]

One for all those like myself who struggle with their PC.

 

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where he is met by St Peter who welcomes him in and shows him to his new residence.  Bill Gates is please to find that its a very comfortable dwelling, not as big and luxurious as he's been used to but not bad at all.  He settles in and after a few days decides to do some exploring.  He looks around his immediate neighbourhood in heaven and finds numerous nice properties, some a little smaller than his and some a little larger, and notes one huge mansion at the top of a hill.  He chats with his neighbours and asks how the residences are allocated, and is told to speak to St Peter.  He does this and asks why some residents of heaven live in smaller properties and some larger.  St Peter advises him that while all residents of heaven are there on merit, some had led more righteous lives than others and the larger properties are awarded to the more deserving.  Bill Gates then asks who is the resident of the mansion on top of the hill, imagining this person to be a saint at least, and is totally floored when St Peter tells him that the property is the residence of the captain of the Titanic.  Bill Gates is almost beside himself and splutters that in his life he created the Windows Operating System which benefited millions of people and that the loss of the Titanic had resulted in many people meeting an untimely death, and why was this man in a better residence than himself.  St Peter looks at him sadly and says that although many lives had been lost, the captain of the Titanic had been a very righteous man, and after all, the Titanic had crashed only once.

[Filbert_Ross]

Just been out for a meal, i ordered snails, took forever to come out. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 2017-7-13 at 10:13, surrifox said:

my Dad used to work in the theatre, his motto was "always leave them wanting more" - eventually cost him his job as an anaesthetist 

My dad got the sack for stealing from his job on highway maintenance. I should have known really, cos every time I came home, the signs were all there.

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

My dad got the sack for stealing from his job on highway maintenance. I should have known really, cos every time I came home, the signs were all there.

I cracked that one about 2 years ago.

 

Plagiarist 

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Parafox said:

I cracked that one about 2 years ago.

 

Plagiarist 

And did you get it from Stu Francis?

 

 

Like I did.

[Tielemans63]

I call my motor ' The Pussy Wagon'....

 

 

.....because that's where I go to cry.

[Tielemans63]

Two priests are driving through the countryside one night when they get stopped by a policeman.

 

'Good evening fathers. Sorry to stop you but we are looking for a couple of child molesters.'

 

The first priest turns to look at the second and they nod silently. The driver turns back to the policeman and says "Alright officer, we'll do it".

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, Paddy. said:

Two priests are driving through the countryside one night when they get stopped by a policeman.

 

'Good evening fathers. Sorry to stop you but we are looking for a couple of child molesters.'

 

The first priest turns to look at the second and they nod silently. The driver turns back to the policeman and says "Alright officer, we'll do it".

 Brilliant 

[Parafox]

5 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

And did you get it from Stu Francis?

 

 

Like I did.

Think it was Tim Vine actually. But I guess you trump me

[surrifox]

Whilst I was on holiday someone broke into my house and stole 5 cases of Red Bull - I don't know how he can sleep at night 

[Hollism]

I used to be addicted to mus wrestling.

 

Been clean four years now.

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, Hollism said:

I used to be addicted to mus wrestling.

 

Been clean four years now.

I think you mean 'mud' 

 

In which case it's still not funny 

[Hollism]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I think you mean 'mud' 

 

In which case it's still not funny 

 

Nope.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mus_(Mus)

 

I used to batter those little bastards.

[Trav Le Bleu]

24 minutes ago, Hollism said:

 

Nope.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mus_(Mus)

 

I used to batter those little bastards.

You're going out on a lim there!

[ozleicester]

13 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Two priests are driving through the countryside one night when they get stopped by a policeman.

 

'Good evening fathers. Sorry to stop you but we are looking for a couple of child molesters.'

 

The first priest turns to look at the second and they nod silently. The driver turns back to the policeman and says "Alright officer, we'll do it".

 

[jonthefox]

Just bought a car off eBay with no reserve . The seller had dyslexia and when I got home I realised the bloody thing didn't go backwards.

[Beliall]

2 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

Just bought a car off eBay with no reserve . The seller had dyslexia and when I got home I realised the bloody thing didn't go backwards.

 

 

[Buce]

 

Palaeontologists have found a new species of lesbian dinosaur.

 

They've named it Lickalottapuss.

[Buce]

 

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

 

A zit will wait till you're twelve before it comes on your face.

[Buce]

 

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

 

After a few years your job will still suck.

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Palaeontologists have found a new species of lesbian dinosaur.

 

They've named it Lickalottapuss.

 

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

 

A zit will wait till you're twelve before it comes on your face.

 

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

 

After a few years your job will still suck.

[Beliall]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

 

I was the same age as that kids when i last heard those jokes