The joke thread

[Tielemans63]

I was having sex with the wife last night when she suddenly yelled "Dave, get your cock out of my arse."

 

"Relax" I said, "You might enjoy it"

 

"Relax!?" She screamed "What the **** is Dave even doing here?!"

 

[separator]

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window.

 

Bloody toot and car moon!

[Izzy]

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

 

One was a salted

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

 

One was a salted

Someone should ground your nuts for that joke.

[StanSP]

9 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

 

One was a salted

 

7 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Someone should ground your nuts for that joke.

he should get roasted for it

[SheppyFox]

How do you get Pikachu onto a train? 

 

Pokemon

 

?

[Buce]

 

I bought the mother-in-law a new chair,

 

A complete waste of money - the missus won't let me plug it in.

[separator]

Marie Fredriksson of Swedish pop combo Roxette has swapped her deodorant for butter to keep sweat at bay.

 

It must have been Dove, but it's Clover now.

[Webbo]

Took 1 of my viagra tablets last night but it didn't work.

 

I checked the box and found it was past it's swell by date

[Izzy]

36 minutes ago, separator said:

Marie Fredriksson of Swedish pop combo Roxette has swapped her deodorant for butter to keep sweat at bay.

 

It must have been Dove, but it's Clover now.

Ouch 

 

I've got a joke about butter - but I'm not going to tell you in case you spread it 

[Jimothy]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Ouch 

 

I've got a joke about butter - but I'm not going to tell you in case you spread it 

You just keep churning them out don't you.

[Tuna]

Reports that 300 cows have taken residence inside the Scottish parliament.

 

'It was a military coup' said one stunned bystander.

Edited 30 July 2017 by Tuna

[separator]

11 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Ouch 

 

I've got a joke about butter - but I'm not going to tell you in case you spread it 

I can't believe its not a butter pun from you @Izzy Muzzett

[Carl the Llama]

29 minutes ago, Webbo said:

Took 1 of my viagra tablets last night but it didn't work.

 

I checked the box and found it was past it's swell by date

Shouldn't this be in the how was your day thread?

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, separator said:

I can't believe its not a butter pun from you @Izzy Muzzett

I'm trying to think of a better butter pun.

But the margarine for error is just too big 

[Carl the Llama]

I don't know if I have any butter puns to contribute but if we spread out a bit I might come up with something.

Edited 30 July 2017 by Carl the Llama

[separator]

4 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I'm trying to think of a better butter pun.

But the margarine for error is just too big 

You need to Lurpak your bags and get out of here with puns like that 

[Izzy]

9 minutes ago, separator said:

You need to Lurpak your bags and get out of here with puns like that 

I give up.

You're just so much butter at this pun business than me 

[Tuna]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I give up.

You're just so much butter at this pun business than me 

How dairy you give up

It's not clover yet!

[Jattdogg]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I give up.

You're just so much butter at this pun business than me 

We need to whip you into shape

[Beliall]

Vitalite

[DJ Barry Hammond]

9 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I give up.

You're just so much butter at this pun business than me 

 

I can't believe you're not better.

[Countryfox]

 

A dog walks into a job centre. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’

[Countryfox]

 

What do you call a penguin in the desert ...      

 

 Lost.

[FerrisBueller]

Have you ever seen two planes fighting in an airbase and thought, hangar bout?