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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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davieG

davieG

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This is the version I told my kids when they were kids

 

Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon tells baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot and also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and your self down. 

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

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5 hours ago, davieG said:

This is the version I told my kids when they were kids

 

Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon tells baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot and also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and your self down. 

:clap:

 

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BoyJones

BoyJones

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On 13/06/2017 at 16:43, davieG said:

This is the version I told my kids when they were kids

 

Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon tells baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and that's final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot and also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, your mummy down, and your self down. 

Original is best

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kushiro

kushiro

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If rumours coming out of the BBC sports department are to be believed, Steve Cram's days as the corporation's Voice of Athletics may be coming to an end. Talks are continuing, but it appears that his contract will not be renewed.

 

Pressed by journalists for an update on negotiations, Cram remarked, "I'm not going to give a running commentary".

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Wolfox

Wolfox

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A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:



Husband :-I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband:-I really never noticed.
Sergeant :- Build?
Husband:-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband :Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-What kind of car was it?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...



Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

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Wolfox

Wolfox

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Posted
2 minutes ago, Beliall said:

LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes

 

 

LED's that use LED's really?

I thought all LEDs used LEDs???

 

in which case my joke stands…. Is factually correct and is <according to me and me alone> funny!!!!

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AKCJ

AKCJ

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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to"

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Buce

Buce

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3 hours ago, AKCJ said:

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to"

 

He said, "do you want it pasteurised, cause pasteurised is best.."

She said, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest.."

 

 

Edited by Buce
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Parafox

Parafox

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Posted
5 hours ago, Renart said:

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

 

55 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With a crowbar...

 

5 hours ago, Renart said:

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

 

5 hours ago, Renart said:

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. 

 

It was a real milestone.

 

5 hours ago, Renart said:

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Been to see Tim Vine, have you?

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