The joke thread

[Parafox]

Can't be many other that you

2 minutes ago, Webbo said:

More like Arthur Askey, they're that old.

Can't be many, apart from you, me and Rincewind who would know who Arthur Askey was.

[Webbo]

1 minute ago, Parafox said:

Can't be many other that you

Can't be many, apart from you, me and Rincewind who would know who Arthur Askey was.

My grandad told me about him 

[Parafox]

Just now, Webbo said:

My grandad told me about him 

yeah...   of course... mine too.

 

My grandad was Hungarian.

 

The Askey legend was widespread.

[Buce]

For @Alf Bentley

 

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they're on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.

Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''

 

                                                        ***************************************************************************************

 

A priest, a minister, and an Imam want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the Imam, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Edited 22 June 2017 by Buce

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, Buce said:

For @Alf Bentley

 

                                                        ***************************************************************************************

 

A priest, a minister, and an Imam want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the Imam, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Could have gone Jewish; went Muslim.

 

Buce likes to live dangerously

 

Edited 22 June 2017 by Trav Le Bleu

[Webbo]

Car of the year 2017 as voted for by the readers of Woman's Own is...

 

 

 

A blue one.

[Webbo]

My friend needed a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, we found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

 

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[Beliall]

37 minutes ago, Webbo said:

My friend needed a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, we found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

 

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[Alf Bentley]

42 minutes ago, Webbo said:

My friend needed a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, we found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

 

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

 

That was Luque. 

 

I mean, that was very luque to find a perfect match. Must have been the hand of God - or was it extracted from his hip?

 

In the 1980s people often found a match in Argentina and Diego stood out.

[Blodge]

On 05/05/2017 at 17:39, Carl the Llama said:

I wanted to stay away from making a joke about watching the playoffs until I'd seen an overweight hairy man who dresses like an s&m biker but then there was a bear so I wanted to watch the playoffs but then a boy told me his flock of sheep were being attacked by a pack of wild animals from the woods so I investigated but there were no wolves.

 

Phew just about tied it together.

Comedian of the year award over here

[Wolfox]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Wolfox said:

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

 

[foxfanazer]

Ireland's worst ever air disaster happened last night when a small 4 seater aeroplane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search a rescue workers have so far recovered 476 bodies and expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night

[Buce]

 

Why did God give women legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the mess slugs make?

[Parafox]

16 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Why did God give women legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the mess slugs make?

Disgraceful. I thought you had higher standards than this. 

 

[Mike Oxlong]

16 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Why did God give women legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the mess slugs make?

Not a joke to tell Heather McCartney 

[Buce]

41 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Disgraceful. I thought you had higher standards than this. 

 

 

 

I can plumb the depths with the worst of them, Para.

[Nick]

20 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

I can plumb the depths with the worst of them, Para.

Yes you can, Buce.

 

Yes you can.

 

 

[Buce]

Just now, Swan Lesta said:

Yes you can, Buce.

 

Yes you can.

 

 

 

Thanks (I think.)

[Beliall]

What Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

 

Hand eyeeeeeyeyeeeeeyee

[Buce]

9 minutes ago, Beliall said:

What Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

 

Hand eyeeeeeyeyeeeeeyee

 

[Carl the Llama]

21 minutes ago, Beliall said:

What Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

 

Hand eyeeeeeyeyeeeeeyee

Just learned I'm dyslexic.  Spent half a minute trying to figure out what a hand eye condition is.

[Beliall]

8 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

Just learned I'm dyslexic.  Spent half a minute trying to figure out what a hand eye condition is.

something about using your hand too much and going blind

[foxfanazer]

18 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Why did God give women legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the mess slugs make?

[Parafox]

3 hours ago, Beliall said:

What Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

 

Hand eyeeeeeyeyeeeeeyee

My mate Hugh loves Whitney Houston.

 

He says she'll always love him.