The joke thread

[StanSP]

 

[Realjimbo]

Guy sits at the  bar idly watching the landlords cat licking it's bits, The landlord stands polishing glasses and says "so flexible aren't they", guy agrees "yeah, wish I could do that", "well" says the landlord, "buy it a packet of crisps and it might let you"

[StanSP]

 

 

[Tinman]

My granny always used to say, "The way to a man's heart is through the stomach" Lovely woman, terrible surgeon

[Izzy]

Got a porn film the other day. I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock.

 

Then I realised I hadn't switched the TV on.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

2 hours ago, Izzy said:

Got a porn film the other day. I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock.

Then I realised I hadn't switched the TV on.

I actually snorted a laugh at that one!

[Izzy]

Fvckin love Viz 

 

 

[Wolfox]

A work colleague couldn't make it to the innuendo seminar.

So I've had to fill her slot.

[Parafox]

On 17/02/2020 at 16:59, Izzy said:

Got a porn film the other day. I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock.

 

Then I realised I hadn't switched the TV on.

That's the best one for a while, mate.

[Tinman]

[Wolfox]

Popped into our local chemists this morning....

....I asked the assistant "What gets rid of Coronavirus?" 

She said "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Then why are you serving behind the counter?"

 

 

[Blarmy]

What do you call a PC that sings?

 

A Dell. 

[StanSP]

 

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I put up a map of the world and gave my wife a dart.

"Throw this," I said, "and wherever it lands I'll take you on holiday."

Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[StanSP]

 

[Tinman]

Two motorways drinking in a bar when a piece of red Tarmac walks in. One motorway says to the other “don’t go near him, he’s a cycle path”

[Izzy]

17 minutes ago, Tinman said:

Two motorways drinking in a bar when a piece of red Tarmac walks in. One motorway says to the other “don’t go near him, he’s a cycle path”

[Tinman]

According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays. He said i have a weekend immune system.

[Beliall]

I asked @Izzy why he hasnt posted in here for a while, He said due to the quarantine, he'll only be telling inside jokes

[ozleicester]

4 hours ago, Beliall said:

I asked @Izzy why he hasnt posted in here for a while, He said due to the quarantine, he'll only be telling inside jokes

   

 

Doesnt matter, @Izzy 's jokes have been making people sick for years

[Izzy]

8 hours ago, Beliall said:

I asked @Izzy why he hasnt posted in here for a while, He said due to the quarantine, he'll only be telling inside jokes

 

3 hours ago, ozleicester said:

   

 

Doesnt matter, @Izzy 's jokes have been making people sick for years

I wake up to 3 notifications on FT this morning.

 

You two taking the piss and @stripeyfox accusing me of nicking Costocks car.

 

Fvck you all very much this festive corona season.

[stripeyfox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

I wake up to 3 notifications on FT this morning.

 

You two taking the piss and @stripeyfox accusing me of nicking Costocks car.

 

Fvck you all very much this festive corona season.

haha, sorry mate - you were offering to buy it though last night!!

[StanSP]

41 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

I wake up to 3 notifications on FT this morning.

 

You two taking the piss and @stripeyfox accusing me of nicking Costocks car.

 

Fvck you all very much this festive corona season.

You haven't denied it 

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, StanSP said:

You haven't denied it 

And you can fvck off too!

 

 

[StanSP]

11 minutes ago, Izzy said:

And you can fvck off too!

 

 

I just don't get why you'd steal someone's car in trying times like this. It's not nice @Izzy.