The joke thread

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, FerrisBueller said:

There are plans to make a new Die Hard film. Unfortunately due to Alan Rickman no longer being with us, this one will be Hans-free.

[Aus Fox]

I don’t want to say the school I teach in is in a tough area but when I asked my class, what units are used to measure speed? they said grams and kilos. 

[MPH]

I once bought a wooden car. It had wooden seats, wooden wheel, wooden tyres and a wooden engine.

 

 

 

Problem is it wooden start.

 

 

[Rusko187]

Ahem...

 

... I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.

 

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the Wurst.

 

[Izzy]

The Police came round my house last night and showed me a picture.

 

”Is this your wife?” they asked.

 

”Yes it is” I answered

 

One of the officers then said “I’m really sorry, but I'm afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”

 

I said “I know, but she’s good with the kids” 

[ozleicester]

How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

One, we are very efficient and not funny

[Jimothy]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

 

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

 

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

 

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

 

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

 

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

 

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

 

So I told her to **** off.

[Wolfox]

[Wolfox]

I've just started a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet.....

[Tinman]

I was going to send you a joke about herbs and fish but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My mate suggested that we change our names by deed poll, he said:

"I'll change mine to 'Pheasant', you change yours to 'Grouse'."

"Fine" I replied, "I'm game if you are."

[Bob Weasel Fox]

As a lumberjack I know that I have cut down 2198 trees.

I know the exact number as each time I chop one down I keep a log.

[Izzy]

On 22/01/2020 at 21:57, Tinman said:

I was going to send you a joke about herbs and fish but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice

I was going to tell you a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.

[Izzy]

On 22/01/2020 at 21:57, Tinman said:

I was going to send you a joke about herbs and fish but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice

I was busy in my garden today and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. What are you doing?

 

I said I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...

 

She said.. Really Izzy, I don't know how you find the time!

 

Oh that's easy I said... Its right next to the sage

[Strokes]

19 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I was busy in my garden today and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. What are you doing?

 

I said I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...

 

She said.. Really Izzy, I don't know how you find the time!

 

Oh that's easy I said... Its right next to the sage

No tarragon in your herb garden 

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, Strokes said:

No tarragon in your herb garden 

I really don’t know what you mint by this 

 

Edited 25 January 2020 by Izzy

[Strokes]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I really don’t know what you mint by this 

 

Alphabetical order should be Sage, Tarragon and Thyme.

you haven’t thought this through and I am very boring.

[Jimothy]

14 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Alphabetical order should be Sage, Tarragon and Thyme.

you haven’t thought this through and I am very boring.

Genuinely funnier than the original joke 

[Jimothy]

[Milo]

Saturday night was Burns Night and Chinese New Year. I was going to avoid calling it Chinese Burns Night, but someone twisted my arm.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My wife got abducted by a group of mime artists....

They did unspeakable things to her

[Wolfox]

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

[Wolfox]

A programmer and his wife.She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy a loaf. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”He replies, “They had eggs.”

[Realjimbo]

 Lad gets home early from school and finds dad giving mum one across the kitchen table, he retreats quickly muttering about how disguting and to add insult hears them giggling about being caught.

The next night dad hears strange noises from the spare room and opens the door to see his son going like a jack hammer with grandma.

As he stands dumbfounded the lad turns round and sneers

"yeah... not so funny when it's YOUR mum is it".

 

[Wolfox]

My teacher told me I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia.
So far I’ve made three pots and a vase, so f@ck you Mrs. Jones.