Depression

[chrishlcfc]

Feel bad posting in here seeing some of the really sad stories and then I’m just posting about my struggles and they seem so insignificant. 
 

Continuing my story from a few weeks back about being offered a job opportunity by my cousin. Got a message off him to say he’s arranged me an interview next week. I’m dreading it I hate interviews, already doubting myself and telling myself I’m not going to get the job.
 

Just wish I could chill and look forward and say it’s a positive thing and a good opportunity whether I get it or not and I’m advantaged in the interview process already but as usual I only look at the negatives. 

Edited 19 November 2024 by chrishlcfc

[FoxesDeb]

21 minutes ago, chrishlcfc said:

Feel bad posting in here seeing some of the really sad stories and then I’m just posting about my struggles and they seem so insignificant. 
 

Continuing my story from a few weeks back about being offered a job opportunity by my cousin. Got a message off him to say he’s arranged me an interview next week. I’m dreading it I hate interviews, already doubting myself and telling myself I’m not going to get the job.
 

Just wish I could chill and look forward and say it’s a positive thing and a good opportunity whether I get it or not and I’m advantaged in the interview process already but as usual I only look at the negatives. 

Please don't ever feel bad about posting here, everybody's struggle is unique to them, nobody trumps anyone else here and nothing posted in this thread is insignificant.

 

Without wishing to state the obvious, and I fully understand it's much easier said than done,  please try to focus on the positives you've mentioned, the less you can stress about it the more chance you have of a positive outcome.

 

I wish you the best of luck with it, and please let us know how you get on 

 

 

 

[Izzy]

56 minutes ago, chrishlcfc said:

Feel bad posting in here seeing some of the really sad stories and then I’m just posting about my struggles and they seem so insignificant. 
 

Continuing my story from a few weeks back about being offered a job opportunity by my cousin. Got a message off him to say he’s arranged me an interview next week. I’m dreading it I hate interviews, already doubting myself and telling myself I’m not going to get the job.
 

Just wish I could chill and look forward and say it’s a positive thing and a good opportunity whether I get it or not and I’m advantaged in the interview process already but as usual I only look at the negatives. 

Keep telling yourself this over and over again, like a mantra.

 

The more you say it, the more it'll register in your subconscious.

 

Thoughts become things...

 

 

 

[Bert]

1 hour ago, chrishlcfc said:

Feel bad posting in here seeing some of the really sad stories and then I’m just posting about my struggles and they seem so insignificant. 
 

Continuing my story from a few weeks back about being offered a job opportunity by my cousin. Got a message off him to say he’s arranged me an interview next week. I’m dreading it I hate interviews, already doubting myself and telling myself I’m not going to get the job.
 

Just wish I could chill and look forward and say it’s a positive thing and a good opportunity whether I get it or not and I’m advantaged in the interview process already but as usual I only look at the negatives. 

I don’t think there’s anyone in the world that enjoys the interview process. Daunting of course but it’ll be a small portion of your day and try to look at the avenues it could open for you. Go in, be yourself and smash it. 

[DennisNedry]

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

Edited 20 November 2024 by DennisNedry

[Sampson]

47 minutes ago, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

It’s a lot more common to feel that way than you realise. It’s certainly not unnornal.

 

I also fully empathise with the weighing down of responsibility and deadlines, bureaucracy and regulations and having people care about you can get really on top of you.
 

Remember that the human brain evolved to see threats and discomfort because it helped us survive. Survival of the fittest and evolution has nothing to do  about feeling good, in fact often quite the opposite, being forever on edge gives creatures more chance of seeing threats and surviving. Anxiety and depression is in many ways are evolutionary traits.
 

It’s always worth remembering that humans are just a type of monkey and our brains are just monkey brains which survived because they were successful at hunting and gathering and surviving threatening creatures in the wild. That is still true in this weird terraformed world we’ve created with houses and jobs and central heating. 
 

And please don’t think “I have no right to feel this way when you read what others are going through”. Our brains aren’t as simple as that, your feelings are no less real just because of other people’s feelings. This thread is the best on this forum. Sometimes you just need somewhere to vent and write how you’re feeling the pressure of day to day life. 
 

It’s hard being a human being. Our brains are literally wired for anxiety and depression, because being wired to be hyper aware of threats kept us alive for millions of years. Sadly this is still true when the threats are the daily trudge of deadlines, bureaucracy and responsibilities.

Edited 20 November 2024 by Sampson

[Izzy]

35 minutes ago, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

That all reads very familiar and that was me just over 20 years ago. 

 

Sounds like you're in your 'survival' brain constantly, and under stress, we run excessive adrenaline and cortisol. Too much cortisol can cause inflammation (in my case, the gut) which can ultimately lead to severe burnout and in my case, emergency surgery. 

 

Our 'threat' response is fight, flight, or freeze and you feeling 'trapped' is a typical freeze response - feeling stuck.

 

The good news is that you're talking about it on here and my downfall was bottling up all the pressure and telling everyone I was fine when I wasn't. The stress literally ate me up inside.

 

My advice FWIW is to talk to your wife and your boss about it. You can't be an effective employee or a caring husband and father if you're up in the night worrying and wilting under the stress.

 

I was too scared to ask for help through fear of looking weak and losing my job but it ended up costing me my health.

 

Please don't go down the same road that I did.

 

[Sampson]

There’s a good simple video here to explain how our brains evolved and how it absolutely is perfectly normal for our brains to think this way, so you’re absolutely not alone in this and not unnormal @DennisNedry. Even feeling bad that you “have know right to feel that way is worse”  is part of our evolutionary survival instinct of needing to fit in to a tribe and compare yourself with that tribe.

 

 

Please don’t think you’re unnormal, you’re not. This is unfortunately how the human brain is wired to work. But the more you are conscious of it, the more you can hopefully recognise the patterns and try to get talk about it and get help. 

Edited 20 November 2024 by Sampson

[bovril]

I think there is something quite dispiriting about living in modern Britain - a culture that generally values individual success and accumulation of wealth and possessions (which is unfulfilling in itself), running up against a state that increasingly makes that difficult to achieve. The built environment and weather often don't help either.

 

I'm not diminishing what other people have gone through at all and I know that this is an extremely complex subject that I'm not really qualified to analyse that deeply. Obviously a lot of depression clearly can't be reduced down to "it's the weather". But I think it's worth acknowledging we all exist in a particular environment and society which obviously play a huge role in our physical and mental health.

[HighPeakFox]

1 hour ago, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

You have every right friend. 

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Definitely agree that everything is relative, there are homeless people who have lost it all for example who are so much worse off than I am. But the reality is I’m clinging on by my finger nails at the minute and I know what I’ve got to do to get better the pain is just so constant and over whelming that I can’t even begin to think straight. Just getting through a day is an achievement in itself at the minute.

[Fosse93]

13 hours ago, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

Hello mate, read this and thought I had to reply as this was literally me 5 years ago.

 

Work was, and still is, the biggest stressor in my life. I've tried to combat it as much as I can by myself but have sort of accepted that I am just wired that way to an extent - I'm much better than I was 5 years ago, mind. I was giving everything to my job, going above and beyond, and then when my daughter was born everything just got too much, it ended up with me having a full on breakdown to the point where I cut everyone off in my life (luckily, my wife stuck by me though I wouldn't have blamed her for leaving) and a lot of really, really dark stuff happened.

 

I struggled to pin point exactly what caused all of this, but looking back I think it was because I identified with my job so much that I lost who I was - I was so focused on doing a great job, working the long hours etc. that it completely consumed me. Then once my daughter was born, I had a complete identity crisis - I of course wanted to be an amazing dad but I also didn't want to let up professionally and still wanted to be the guy with all the answers, who'd put out all the fires, who'd be the one people turned to. It all got too much and I used alcohol heavily as a coping mechanism which wasn't a great idea.

 

There's two reasons why this post resonated with me so much:

 

1) I was making time for work, making time for my daughter, making time for my wife, but never making time for me. I needed to recharge, exactly how you put it, but just felt I never had the time. Looking back on it now, I should've taken a month or so off work to properly recharge and been 100% honest with my employer. I'm not telling you what to do but I'd strongly encourage you at least consider doing so, it would've saved me years of repairing my life if I'd done so. I remember just crying to my wife on a Sunday night one time and it completely took her off guard, I kept everything bottled up so much and eventually it spilled out, when I did tell her though I wish I had let her know sooner.

 

2) Around the time of my breakdown, I was on a bus (no idea why as I drive, but there we are!) and an old couple got on at a stop, and I remember thinking "man, I can't wait until I'm older like that, I can hop on a bus, have little stress, no work to worry about" - I was literally wishing my life away. Where you mentioned about being envious of people in care homes, I agree it might sound odd to some people, but I totally get it. Hell, that was exactly how I felt too!

 

I eventually ended up leaving my place of work, they never knew about any of my struggles so I had to make up reasons why I wanted to leave - and I took a 30% pay cut to be in a less demanding role elsewhere. We struggled like hell for money whilst my wife was on maternity leave and during the following couple of years, but I was happy. I still fight anxious feelings / thoughts and have panic attacks but I feel like I'm in a better place now, and in fact, despite taking a 30% wage cut 5 years ago, I now earn the biggest salary I've ever had.

 

If you can, have an honest chat with your employer / partner and go from there. Some time off to recharge and re-assess sounds like the best option to me. I hope everything works out for you mate, you are not alone.

Edited 21 November 2024 by Fosse93

[Wymsey]

Really admire the power of this thread.

 

Members having the courage to speak out about their struggles, and also those who have 'been there' and advising/making suggestions to particular members.

 

It takes some courage.

 

The thing is, though, it's probably harder to speak out in the 'real world' about what someone is going through for whatever reason - can imagine plenty of people out there who wish to speak up, but feel unable to.

Edited 21 November 2024 by Wymsey

[samlcfc]

On 20/11/2024 at 20:13, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

I can also empathise somewhat with the way you're feeling.

 

We are social creatures, and whilst considering the experiences and feeling of others can be important, this contextualisation can deeply influence how we perceive our own struggles and emotions.

 

We are so complex and our emotions are very personal. Each of us has our own unique threshold for stress, based on countless factors that make us who we are.

 

In this respect, I think it's important to recognise that nothing should invalidate how we feel. Recognising this, provides us with a place to move forward from constructively.

 

Personally, I also believe what people have mentioned above about stress can be very relevant, especially when considering what you said about constant pressure. One of the personally significant things my therapist illustrated to me early on, was the "Yerkes-Dodson Law" bell curve. You can give it a google, and it relates to the relationship between 'arousal' and 'performance'.

 

As others have mentioned, it basically illustrates that stress can be helpful, until it isn't. It shows a sound reasoning behind finding a constructive way to effectively manage stress in order to increase your capacity to perform, rather than trying to perform your way out of the stress.

 

As others have also mentioned, part of that constructive process is finding the strength to reach out in any capacity like you have done here. Hopefully some of the advice is helpful and you see that you're very worthy of support.

 

The pathway to recovery isn't always easy and there can be set-backs, but we constantly have the capacity for self-growth and there is a absolutely a place where we can enjoy the everyday experiences that are part of that. There was a point where I believed that was quite an unreasonable statement for me to make, but it was well worth taking the journey back to believing and enjoying it.

 

Always feel worthy of reaching out for support. All the best.

 

 

 

 

Edited 21 November 2024 by samlcfc

[foxfanazer]

On 20/11/2024 at 20:13, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

I feel very similar bud. Work my arse off just to barely make ends meet and never really feel like I'm living. Constantly feel exhausted but have to push through to be a good provider. There's barely anything left of me by the end of the week

 

But.... We've got this mate. Brighter days ahead for sure 

 

 

[Stuntman_Mike]

On 20/11/2024 at 20:13, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

For what my slight input is worth, it sounds like you'd really benefit from some time off work, even if you did a self certificate for 7 days just to help take a step back. No job is worth the stress when you've got yourself to look after and you're blessed with a family.

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Spent 6 weeks trying to get my head around everything that has happened and I just can’t. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

16 minutes ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Spent 6 weeks trying to get my head around everything that has happened and I just can’t. 

Hang in there mate.

 

Do you need to get your head around it? Sometimes stuff just happens with no rhyme or reason and no amount of effort will change anything. You also can't change the past, just accept it happened - but maybe doesn't have to keep happening.

 

 

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Just got myself in to a downward spiral and can’t seem to shake it. Had enough.

[Wymsey]

9 minutes ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

Just got myself in to a downward spiral and can’t seem to shake it. Had enough.

Am sorry to hear that you feel that way.

 

If you're comfortable to, of course, could you possibly elaborate at all?

[Lionator]

On 20/11/2024 at 20:13, DennisNedry said:

Is it normal for the majority of days to be a struggle, something to endure, something to get through?

 

I just feel under pressure, constantly. My job is stressful and it sometimes keeps me up and night and gives me knots in my stomach. Parenting a toddler too, although I love him beyond words, is just a relentless effort with very little respite. I have very very little time to myself and feel like I never get any time to recharge. 

 

I also just feel so selfish for even having some of the thoughts I am having. My wife in particular would be devastated to learn how I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Trapped.

 

I don't know if this is just me wilting under the normal every day stress of life, or whether something isn't right with my mental health. 

 

I do know that I shouldn't, at 30 odd, be looking at those in care homes (who I hear a lot about as a close family member is a carer) with envy, simply because they do not have any responsibilities, any reason to have to get up in the morning, any deadlines, etc. They can just be. Just exist. I can't think of anything I want more at this moment in my life. And it sounds so insane reading this back to myself. 

 

Edit: I'd also add, like others have, that reading some other posts in this thread make me feel like I have no right to feel this way when they're going through unfathomably difficult traumas. 

This applies not just for yourself but for others, but your thoughts, no matter what they are, are legitimate. They may cause others trouble in terms of getting their head around it, but it doesn’t make them invalid. Mental health difficulties aren’t ranked, look how many famous people that ‘have it all’, haven’t been able to cope. Likewise, people that have very little get their heads down and cope very well each day. Dont suppress those thoughts. If you’re feeling sad, isolated, suicidal even, they’re legitimate. They’re not bad, they’re not wrong, they’re how you’re feeling. There’s no shame!

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

9 hours ago, Wymsey said:

Am sorry to hear that you feel that way.

 

If you're comfortable to, of course, could you possibly elaborate at all?

I’d practiced controlled drinking for 4 months, couple of pints a week at most, never more than 3 beers at a time even at parties and social events, after being in denial over a serious drinking issue for years. My life has completely unravelled, I can’t stop drinking and I’ve lost my daughter and I’m just a bit of a mess. All my friends were in a different city, my entire life was in Notts and pretty much just lived through my partner, I put all my heart and soul into our relationship for 5 years, had a breakdown and was just completely abandoned instantly and did it all on my own getting back to normal, but with a resentment growing in me

and on medication that wasn’t agreeing with me. It was always going to end after I was abandoned when I needed my partner most it’s just a lot to get my head round, back in a spare room at my mums house and just feeling worse than I’ve ever felt, missing my daughter so much and for some reason really missing my pathetic excuse for a partner. Just very, very sad and really, really struggling.

[Trav Le Bleu]

9 hours ago, Lionator said:

This applies not just for yourself but for others, but your thoughts, no matter what they are, are legitimate. They may cause others trouble in terms of getting their head around it, but it doesn’t make them invalid. Mental health difficulties aren’t ranked, look how many famous people that ‘have it all’, haven’t been able to cope. Likewise, people that have very little get their heads down and cope very well each day. Dont suppress those thoughts. If you’re feeling sad, isolated, suicidal even, they’re legitimate. They’re not bad, they’re not wrong, they’re how you’re feeling. There’s no shame!

Have you seen City play?

[UniFox21]

Have had a real rough few weeks in terms of things getting to me and feeling down. Knowing there's places like this, those friends you can talk to is a real help when you just need to tell someone you're struggling 

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Anyone got any ideas how I can get through all this? I’m teetering.