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Mickyblueeyes

A question for parents on others who have been in a similar situation

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My son and I get along quite well. As well as any father and son and I feel grateful when he shares his concerns etc with me as his point of call for advice. 

 

However, I am at a loss as to what to advise him on this occasion. I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation before or had a child in one and what advice they gave them. 

 

Anyway, my son is currently in a good profession and he has worked hard to get there. Good university degree, post grad, work experience and now he is ready to pack it all in. 

 

In in terms of his career, he seems to have tried every avenue going (small company, big company an alternative company) but work simply makes him miserable. In his words, it doesn't come to him naturally. 

 

While he was studying I recall on a number of occasions that he couldn't wait to graduate and I have to hold my hands up that I did push him to finish. I didn't want him to regret it and ask what if. However, he was never hell bent on, nor did he dream of, getting into the profession. He always wanted to run and own his own business. He was buzzing with ideas. 

 

Not it that long ago, he secured a position at a top company, great pay and plenty of training and rewards. He feels he is failing again. Not achieving targets nor grasping things as fast his colleagues. There also seems to be some favouritism (but I've told him that's life). 

 

He never seems to switch off. Not like a workaholic more worried something will go wrong and it will be his fault. I don't know if this is in his head or actual fact. 

 

One thing i do know is it's effecting his personal life. He snaps at his love ones and sometimes dazes into a day dream rather than playing and enjoying time with his kids and his family. 

 

I've told him to plan and go for whatever business he dreams of doing. However he has lost confidence and he was so happy when he got the position he did, he doesn't want to leave just yet. Add to that the fear of having so much to lose (money, mortgage etc).

 

what do advise him? I don't want him again to regret it but if it's something that just doesn't work for him, it never will, will it?

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Just advise him to do whatever he thinks will make him happiest. He's going to feel like he's tied to his job / profession because of his family life - they will have a lifestyle that they're used to. 

 

He can always retrain, work on a till in a supermarket, do something completely different but he will have to adjust both his own and his families lifestyle to suit. 

 

Can be done - but no point in continually cracking on at something you don't want to be doing / don't enjoy doing. 

 

I work in lighting sales at the moment and I earn a good salary, drive a nice car, etc. etc. I'm actually considering retraining as a barber and setting up my own barbershop because I just don't get the satisfaction from my current job. 

 

I'd probably earn less but I feel doing something creative and spending my days chatting breeze to my clients would be a happier life than banging my head on the brick wall that is a sales job. 

 

BUT it's a big jump out of my comfort zone and that is probably how your son will feel. 

 

Hope that helps - not from a parent point of view but from someone in a similar position to your son. 

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Tell him welcome to the world of life.

 

The vast majority of people detest their jobs and more often than not the jobs that pay the big $$$ are the ones that are hated even more.

 

IT is a big one followed by general office horse shite.

 

 

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Don't advise him.

 

Coach him through open questions instead and let him work it out for himself.

 

People are much more motivated to take action on their own ideas and solutions than by ever being told what to do by someone else.

 

I stopped advising friends and family years ago because people just end up pleasing themselves anyway.

 

The brain with the problem is the brain with the solution...

 

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not many people enjoy work. just need to get the work/life balance right. it's one thing not enjoying your 40 hours a week, whole different ball game if that then doesn't allow you to enjoy your evenings and two days off either. 

 

money doesn't really matter is what id say. I really enjoy my job but get paid less than some of my mates, but they hate their jobs. rather sacrifice a few grand a year to not feel like I want to kill myself from Sunday night to Friday lunchtime every week. 

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I'm just starting to hit the same wall as your son, with cronyism equally to blame for loss of opportunity. Your son seems to be in a better position though with a family etc. If I had that I'd be taking my own advice and doing what would make me happy. Why not try to start his own business. Start small as a sideline project to give him something to focus his energies on and then build if it becomes feasible. 

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33 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Don't advise him.

 

Coach him through open questions instead and let him work it out for himself.

 

People are much more motivated to take action on their own ideas and solutions than by ever being told what to do by someone else.

 

I stopped advising friends and family years ago because people just end up pleasing themselves anyway.

 

The brain with the problem is the brain with the solution...

 

Also agree with this. He'll know what he really wants, it's just a question of him being in a position and brave enough to do it. 

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He's a grown man now and if it helps it sounds like you have done a great job being a father. I know you will always worry but you still are supporting him at what is possible a crossroads. I'm sure he'll do fine with a dad like you supporting him.

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1 hour ago, Mickyblueeyes said:

 

what do advise him?

No advice ...   just let him use you as a sounding board.   Keep your replies positive but let him steer his own course and tell him you will always back him 100%.    Sometimes people just need to know someone is on their side.

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1 hour ago, Countryfox said:

No advice ...   just let him use you as a sounding board.   Keep your replies positive but let him steer his own course and tell him you will always back him 100%.    Sometimes people just need to know someone is on their side.

 

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Don't advise him.

 

Coach him through open questions instead and let him work it out for himself.

 

People are much more motivated to take action on their own ideas and solutions than by ever being told what to do by someone else.

 

I stopped advising friends and family years ago because people just end up pleasing themselves anyway.

 

The brain with the problem is the brain with the solution...

 

Totally this. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is advise when someone doesn't want it. Has he asked for advice?

 

Even if it's the best advice in the world, people, being people, will often just do what they think anyway. They may eventually do what you suggest, but they need to come to conclusion by themselves for it to feel right.

 

It sounds from what you're saying that he should take the risk of starting his own business because otherwise nothing is ever going to change. I can relate to that, you keep hoping things will seem better but at some point you realise that you are fundamentally in the wrong place.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Mickyblueeyes said:

what do advise him? I don't want him again to regret it but if it's something that just doesn't work for him, it never will, will it?

Not been in the same situation (yet!), but I would give some gentle prodding about identifying what he wants, what would make him happy - rather than just knowing what makes him unhappy. Maybe a self start-up is the way forward.

 

I had a bit of an epiphany a decade or so ago as I found myself blaming lots of other people/situations for me not being particularly happy with the whole work thing. I work for myself and so have no-one else to blame if I don't enjoy what I do.

 

If it works out then there is a great sense of achievement and no limits on how much he can earn - and if it doesn't work out then at least there's not the 'what if' regret in the back of the mind.

 

Ultimately down to him and what motivates/excites him.

 

Good luck  

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

totally nonplussed the woman !! ...   :)

lol

 

I used "I couldn't fail not to disagree less" on my wife last week when she was having a go about something...she's still trying to work out whether I agreed with her or not!

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3 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Don't advise him.

 

Coach him through open questions instead and let him work it out for himself.

 

People are much more motivated to take action on their own ideas and solutions than by ever being told what to do by someone else.

 

I stopped advising friends and family years ago because people just end up pleasing themselves anyway.

 

The brain with the problem is the brain with the solution...

 

Now there's a man who knows SFT, MI, NLP, CBT & has an appreciation of their value.

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I've had a few cans so do bare that in mind.

 

But his problem doesn't seem to be with work per se, although it comes out there.

 

Izzy's point about open questions is a great one.

 

If that doesn't seem to get anywhere perhaps seek a professional who's better at asking the questions and helping your son find his own answers.

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Its a modern societal change and many people are unfortunately in a similar boat.

 

Good luck with him... my only suggestions are to keep talking with him, especially, keep listening to him and help him find out how he feels. If he doesnt enjoy his job, it wont matter how high he rises, he will be unhappy.

 

Sometimes the money and position need to be let go so he can just do what he enjoys (or at least doesnt hate).

 

In the end, listen to him... and most importantly let him know you SUPPORT what he decides.

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9 hours ago, Milo said:

lol

 

I used "I couldn't fail not to disagree less" on my wife last week when she was having a go about something...she's still trying to work out whether I agreed with her or not!

 

Like it ! ...    I'll try that one tonight.   :thumbup:

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Think you need to talk to his partner. A BJ will sort him right out :thumbup:.

 

But on a serious note it sounds to me like he is searching for approval from you to justify him leaving his work position. Like others have said he needs to decide for himself. No point working at a job where you aren't happy and it affects your family life especially if he has young children who will only absorb the negative behaviour he may be showing.

 

Money isn't everything. Yes its nice to be able to live a better quality of life but not at the expense of your happiness and ultimately your health.

 

If its a new position then maybe get him to stick with it a little longer. Don't want to make a rash decision without proper consideration. Things like colleagues taking things quicker is probably him worrying over nothing. Some of them may feel the same as him.

 

It's a tough one but I wouldn't want him to make a rash decision over advice I would give. He needs to talk to his partner and make a decision together.

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