When was the moment you knew a friendship had ended or run its course?

[Koke]

So I have recently just accepted a friendship I had is dead in the water. Cant quite ecplain why. We've been friends for 25 years. Graduates together, been to each other's weddings, was there when I had my first child etc. But in the last 4-5 years we've seen each other less and less, now hardly once a year. We just outgrew each other I think. 

 

FTR, I'm 35 and I haven't changed much since I was 27. My politics and social views are pretty much the same. My interests is the same + a few more added.

 

Can anyone relate? Losing friends in your 30s is weird, especially people you've known for years and years.

[Nalis]

Me and the missus have the same conversation (not about each other haha), particularly as we've both moved around a lot.

 

It's probably more a question of when does a friend turn into an acquaintance?

 

In a nutshell for me, its when you realise you're making all of the effort with the other person making zero effort in return. Not in a vindictive way from their side, more so they simply cant be arsed. Or you dont have anything to say to each other. Admittedly, I've been the cant be arsed camp on ocassion in the past so cant claim to be holier than thou.

[Izzy]

Life just gets in the way and people drift apart. There's only so many hours in the day to maintain relationships so some are bound to peter out over time.

 

I've 'lost' many friends over the years for various reasons but never take it personally. Things change significantly when we have kids I think and that brings a whole different dynamic. 

 

People are working longer hours and there's more demands on our time. Social media doesn't help either as people spend hours on-line messaging 'virtual' friends instead of picking the phone up for a chat or meeting for a catch up.

 

I can only see it getting worse as life throw more and more distractions at us. The joy of friendship and connecting with others at a deeper level is disappearing and that's sad.

[CosbehFox]

1 hour ago, Nalis said:

In a nutshell for me, its when you realise you're making all of the effort with the other person making zero effort in return. Not in a vindictive way from their side, more so they simply cant be arsed. Or you dont have anything to say to each other. Admittedly, I've been the cant be arsed camp on ocassion in the past so cant claim to be holier than thou.

That's it for me. You'll find with males particularly, it's just a natural drifting apart. 

[lcfc278]

The best thing to do is not to dwell on not being as good of friends that you used to be, in my opinion this usually ends up with you both kind of resenting each other a little, subconciously.

 

If you approach it in a laid back way, you realise that both your lives have become busier and as you get older you tend to focus more on your family and friends that are naturally in your life more often. If you approach it this way and accept that it happens, it makes you more likely to continue being friends but just on a completely different basis.

 

For example, I had 2 or 3 friends I would regularly see every other week or so and go out for dinner/drinks etc. I don't see them as much now but I accept it as a part of life, now on the rare occassion I do see them we are both really happy to see each other and have a great catch up, with no resentment.

[Buce]

 

I  once had a mate who got himself addicted to heroin and wanted to quit.

 

So, I took him into my home, sat up with him three days straight to prevent him from caving in and going out to score, made him soup, cleaned up his puke... well, you get the picture. A couple of weeks after getting clean, he met a woman, moved to London and I never heard from him again.

 

Sometimes friendship is a one-way street and you don't know it.

[AKCJ]

Bumped into him in a supermarket and we just nodded at each other.

[Bellend Sebastian]

Finding a mate getting very cosy with someone I really fancied IN MY HOUSE.

 

It wasn't so much the act itself, but that this was at a time when I was in a pretty fragile state mentally, which he knew all about.

 

It was easy for me really as there wasn't much dilemma involved - I just had to say to him, this friendship isn't doing me any favours, it's actually really damaging. He tried to argue the toss, but you know, in that position the choice is mine, isn't it.

 

This was a very long time ago and we have still have mutual friends and I'm pleased to say that when our paths cross it's absolutely fine, although in the early days we gave ourselves a wide berth, just because it's easier.

 

One of the very few lessons I've learned from life is that you eventually have to just let stuff go, and avoiding it makes things harder for you ultimately than just confronting it.

 

Although I shouldn't moan too much as things have turned out pretty well, I'd have led a far happier life overall if I'd realised this sooner

[Leicester_Loyal]

Finding this at the minute, have plenty of friends who just don't do anything, don't attend any events we do as a group nor even try to organise anything, just the same old excuses every time.

[kingcarr21]

When they told me to 'F*** off, I don't want to be your friend anymore.'

[Babylon]

When people get to that age where they start settling down with mortgages, wives, children etc it's pretty common. If it wasn't for meeting up at the football with my mates I doubt I've see them a great deal. 

[Guest]

life just diverges unless you are living on top of one another.

 

TBF friendships are like love and really just a selfish relationship wrapped up to look like a two way wonder. Your friend is your friend until you decide it doesn't suit you to call them a friend.

[RoboFox]

I had a friend, we were best mates from about the age of four or five.

 

Constantly together at primary school, we met a bunch of dudes at secondary school and there was about ten of us, all close - all of which I still see regularly and consider to be my best friends to this day.

 

With him I started a band, we toured, then went to the same university. Sadly we lost one of our best mates a year after graduating, and I personally I think this was the catalyst for change.

 

He moved to Nottingham and he started to withdraw from the group. We went to visit him a few times, then one day we invited him to a social gathering and got no response. Over the months - more invitations, no responses.

 

I haven't heard from him in about seven or eight years now.

 

People are weird, man.

 

[RoboFox]

33 minutes ago, Babylon said:

When people get to that age where they start settling down with mortgages, wives, children etc it's pretty common. If it wasn't for meeting up at the football with my mates I doubt I've see them a great deal. 

 

The notion of this depresses me a great deal. I'm 32 and all of my mates are the same age. Whilst some of us are married, none have kids yet. I can't say I'm looking forward to the group disbanding once littl'uns start arriving... I enjoy their company too much.

[Babylon]

30 minutes ago, RoboFox said:

 

The notion of this depresses me a great deal. I'm 32 and all of my mates are the same age. Whilst some of us are married, none have kids yet. I can't say I'm looking forward to the group disbanding once littl'uns start arriving... I enjoy their company too much.

How often would you say you see them now?

 

Best thing we did was just set up a WhatsApp group and we're talking on there all the time, even though we perhaps don't meet up more than perhaps once every two, maybe three months as a group. 

[kingcarr21]

5 minutes ago, Babylon said:

How often would you say you see them now?

 

Best thing we did was just set up a WhatsApp group and we're talking on there all the time, even though we perhaps don't meet up more than perhaps once every two, maybe three months as a group. 

Exactly what a lot of my mates have done. The lads I did my apprenticeship with we now have a WhatsApp group that we just chat about all sorts, football, gaming, GoT etc. Then throw in loads of vile videos for laughs. Even though some of them i've not seen for years it just feels like we still have that connection just through WhatsApp.

 

Conversations normally end up Porn related  

[Jattdogg]

My life....

 

Becoming an adult (post school) usually is the beginning of changing friendships. You meet new friends , colleagues, you get married or are in some sort of serious relationship (typically) and then kids (and pets for those who don't  have kids or want both) come and life changes big time.

 

I have never been the ramrodder type of guy that expects my wife to work  and handle the kids.  We cook together ,we clean together or we tackle things together (ie she cleans while i go grocery shopping with the kids vice versa).  My wife and kids are the most important people in my life. We work, come home to deal with the kids, dinne,  tidying up, never ending laundry.....life just gets busy and can get stressful quick. Heck, you are supposed to find time to work out, shag, read....so i just shag the missus while reading foxestalk with leg and arm weights strapped on.

 

Having to then feel stressed out finding time to meetup when i don't have  much is tough. My main thing is to ensure my wife doesnt feel stress so if that means me watching kids so she can get out cool. If it means her doing the same for me cool.  Spending time with kids is huge so my friends take a back seat. We try to plan meeting up as families seeing as kids are of similar ages. That works best as we get to all hang out and chill.  Id say we meetup a handful of times a year at most but between differing schedules its tough.  As the kids grow up it will get easier to see friends more often no doubt.

 

To me, a friend understands the above and appreciates it. Just like i do for their lifestyle choices/decisions/family dynamic etc.

 

Also, whatsapp groups help keep us closer. We joke around and have good laughs. I don't do the Facebook/twaatter/instagram thing as thats a time consuming waste of shite.

 

 

 

 

 

[RoboFox]

55 minutes ago, Babylon said:

How often would you say you see them now?

 

Best thing we did was just set up a WhatsApp group and we're talking on there all the time, even though we perhaps don't meet up more than perhaps once every two, maybe three months as a group. 

Pretty regularly... The ones who live in London, I'll see at least one of them once every one or two weeks. 

 

The guys still up in Leicester / Northampton, probably once every 3-4 weeks one of us will make a journey.

 

Old habits die hard.

 

 

[Babylon]

2 minutes ago, RoboFox said:

Pretty regularly... The ones who live in London, I'll see at least one of them once every one or two weeks. 

 

The guys still up in Leicester / Northampton, probably once every 3-4 weeks one of us will make a journey.

 

Old habits die hard.

 

 

Kiss goodbye to that.... wait for the "can't get a baby sitter", "kid is sick" stuff starts as they have kids. 

[Guest MattP]

1 hour ago, RoboFox said:

The notion of this depresses me a great deal. I'm 32 and all of my mates are the same age. Whilst some of us are married, none have kids yet. I can't say I'm looking forward to the group disbanding once littl'uns start arriving... I enjoy their company too much.

If you are good mates you'll still meet up every now and then for a beer, anyway, a really good mate is someone you can go out with for a few beers after not seeing them for a couple of years and it's like you saw each other last week.

 

You'll have to be ready though for this all to stop and be a rare occurance unless you all live in the same village or something like that, family comes first.

[LcFc_Smiv]

It's strange but a relief to see other people think about this as well. I've been best mates with a lad back home for as long as I remember, went the whole way through school together, I went off to uni he went straight into work but still saw each other regularly. However my work life is relentless, I don't really have my weekends and getting time off is pretty impossible until May/June time meaning I have to decline the chance to go to a lot of social stuff that him and his Mrs invite myself and my girlfriend to. It makes me wonder how long our friendship will last, we both keep in touch via the phone but it's hard for myself knowing that I'm missing out on a lot with him and my group of mates from back home. I always think who would I ask to be my best man and he's the only option I have as true mate, but will that still be an option in a year or two time as we see each other less and less. It's weird talking about your mates this way and makes you feel soft  but I guess it highlights to me no matter how tough I perceive myself to be you always need those important people in your life. 

[Nalis]

1 hour ago, kingcarr21 said:

Exactly what a lot of my mates have done. The lads I did my apprenticeship with we now have a WhatsApp group that we just chat about all sorts, football, gaming, GoT etc. Then throw in loads of vile videos for laughs. Even though some of them i've not seen for years it just feels like we still have that connection just through WhatsApp.

 

Conversations normally end up Porn related  

We had to set up a seperate NSFW for our group as it was getting flooded with porn / inappropriate videos 

[outfoxed77]

45 minutes ago, Babylon said:

Kiss goodbye to that.... wait for the "can't get a baby sitter", "kid is sick" stuff starts as they have kids. 

[Babylon]

1 minute ago, outfoxed77 said:

Hee hee hee hee.

[TiffToff88]

My best friend growing up, known him my whole life (Literally - we were born in the same hospital on the same night). We were pretty much inseparable throughout primary school, and even though we went to different secondary schools we still managed to see eachother most days. Moving into sixth form days and still at different schools, we started seeing less and less of eachother, for no apparent reason other than perhaps being busy with out A-Levels and having our own friendship groups from our own schools.

 

I'd try to arrange to meet up with him to play snooker, go to Leicester games, go for a drink down the pub. Eventually all i'd get in reply would be a text saying "I'll let you know", and he'd never actually get back to me.

 

Fastforward 18-24 months later, and i happened to bump into him in Cardiff at the playoff semi-final, by pure coincidence my seat was directly infront of his. we talked, laughed, drank together as if it was only a couple of days since we last saw eachother. After the game, we talked about meeting up back home for a drink. He uttered those words "I'll let you know". Thats when i realised there was no point in even trying any more.

 

I haven't seen or heard from him since. The bastard.