What's the worst crap you've ever taken?

[Guest Bilo]

With Little One at school and me able to enjoy my half-term, I took to reading some old threads. Two of these were the Best and Worst Fart You've Ever Done threads, classics of the genre.

 

They've given me the courage to share this story at long last.

 

About three years ago when my daughter was still only one, I was working as a supply teacher to aid with flexibility. It usually consisted of short term stuff from the odd day through to the odd term. I got The Call one morning and it wasn't a school I fancied much, but the money was reasonable.

 

I arrived there and saw that I had four of five lessons for the day. Always nice to get a free period when all you have to do is drink tea and indulge in the biscuits. It was actually going better than I expected by Period 2, relatively stress free and productive. However, I soon realised that I needed to drop the kids off at the pool. I'd had a curry the night before, see. Then I got into a chat with someone at break time about the cover work for Period 5, which was about as clear as mud, and realised I had to incubate the toilet snake a little longer.

 

Period 3 came upon me pretty quickly and, by the end, I was thinking how much I was looking forward to curling one out. I reached the end and left the classroom when, to my horror, I saw the SENCO running down the corridor with the microphone on a lanyard heading in my direction.

 

'Rob, Emma's had to go home quickly. Could you go to Room 23 and cover 7X?'

 

Bollocks. 

 

I had to bake it for another hour. No idea how I was going to manage this considering I was already chewing cloth. Period 4 was the most low energy lesson of my career to date. I dare not move too much for fear of the most horrific embarrassment ever seen in this small Lincolnshire town. I got through the lesson, in no small part because it was just 'play the video and pause it at key points for questioning.' Not much pausing went on as around 99% of my brain power was focused on not shitting myself. That was the longest hour I have ever experienced.

 

The bell rang and startled me. Not too much thankfully, but it was close. You see, we've all been at the point where we daren't fart. Some have even been at the point where we daren't cough. I was at the point where talking was a gamble.

 

I pretty much minced my way to the toilet, waddled over to the cubicle and shoved the door off its hinges. That porcelain throne looked like heaven as I plonked my arse down. I'm not even convinced I was facing the right way, it's all a bit of a blur.

 

What came out of me was horrendous. Every conceivable type of shit from the initial log to liquid hot magma shot out of my arse to the sound of me going 'Oh my God, that feels good.' and 'Thank Christ' among other near orgasmic moans. What was in my head was celestial choirs of angels singing exquisite arias. I can only imagine the actual sounds were like the dinner table from The Nutty Professor. 

 

I sat afterwards in a cold sweat, relieved and grinning like an idiot. The grins didn't last for two reasons. First among which was the unholy stench. Imagine a fermented turkey stewing in a broth of bin juice and left in a sub-Saharan outhouse to rot for a month in the middle of summer. I obviously had a lot to say about that, mostly in Anglo-Saxon four word terms. That brings me on to the second reason.

 

I looked down and realised, to my horror, that I was still wearing the microphone and it was still switched on. The sweet little Year 7 kid had been exposed to the soundtrack of my gastrointestinal pyrotechnics, my relieved moans and muttered exclamations of '**** me, that stinks like a dead rat' and 'that can't have come out of me, surely.' And I had to take the microphone back. At lunchtime with all of the TAs in the office.

 

The walk back was awkward. I felt sure everyone knew. I walked into the office, left the microphone on the desk and walked out without saying a word. I taught Period 5 and left, never to return.

 

Still no idea if that poor kid heard everything and whether he needed therapy. I haven't been back since and got a permanent job at my current school a month later. 

 

Probably safe to go back now.

 

Edited 30 October 2024 by Guest

[HighPeakFox]

13 minutes ago, Bilo said:

With Little One at school and me able to enjoy my half-term, I took to reading some old threads. Two of these were the Best and Worst Fart You've Ever Done threads, classics of the genre.

 

They've given me the courage to share this story at long last.

 

About three years ago when my daughter was still only one, I was working as a supply teacher to aid with flexibility. It usually consisted of short term stuff from the odd day through to the odd term. I got The Call one morning and it wasn't a school I fancied much, but the money was reasonable.

 

I arrived there and saw that I had four of five lessons for the day. Always nice to get a free period when all you have to do is drink tea and indulge in the biscuits. It was actually going better than I expected by Period 2, relatively stress free and productive. However, I soon realised that I needed to drop the kids off at the pool. I'd had a curry the night before, see. Then I got into a chat with someone at break time about the cover work for Period 5, which was about as clear as mud, and realised I had to incubate the toilet snake a little longer.

 

Period 3 came upon me pretty quickly and, by the end, I was thinking how much I was looking forward to curling one out. I reached the end and left the classroom when, to my horror, I saw the SENCO running down the corridor with the microphone on a lanyard heading in my direction.

 

'Rob, Emma's had to go home quickly. Could you go to Room 23 and cover 7X?'

 

Bollocks. 

 

I had to bake it for another hour. No idea how I was going to manage this considering I was already chewing cloth. Period 4 was the most low energy lesson of my career to date. I dare not move too much for fear of the most horrific embarrassment ever seen in this small Lincolnshire town. I got through the lesson, in no small part because it was just 'play the video and pause it at key points for questioning.' Not much pausing went on as around 99% of my brain power was focused on not shitting myself. That was the longest hour I have ever experienced.

 

The bell rang and startled me. Not too much thankfully, but it was close. You see, we've all been at the point where we daren't fart. Some have even been at the point where we daren't cough. I was at the point where talking was a gamble.

 

I pretty much minced my way to the toilet, waddled over to the cubicle and shoved the door off its hinges. That porcelain throne looked like heaven as I plonked my arse down. I'm not even convinced I was facing the right way, it's all a bit of a blur.

 

What came out of me was horrendous. Every conceivable type of shit from the initial log to liquid hot magma shot out of my arse to the sound of me going 'Oh my God, that feels good.' and 'Thank Christ' among other near orgasmic moans. What was in my head was celestial choirs of angels singing exquisite arias. I can only imagine the actual sounds were like the dinner table from The Nutty Professor. 

 

I sat afterwards in a cold sweat, relieved and grinning like an idiot. The grins didn't last for two reasons. First among which was the unholy stench. Imagine a fermented turkey stewing in a broth of bin juice and left in a sub-Saharan outhouse to rot for a month in the middle of summer. I obviously had a lot to say about that, mostly in Anglo-Saxon four word terms. That brings me on to the second reason.

 

I looked down and realised, to my horror, that I was still wearing the microphone and it was still switched on. The sweet little Year 7 kid had been exposed to the soundtrack of my gastrointestinal pyrotechnics, my relieved moans and muttered exclamations of '**** me, that stinks like a dead rat' and 'that can't have come out of me, surely.' And I had to take the microphone back. At lunchtime with all of the TAs in the office.

 

The walk back was awkward. I felt sure everyone knew. I walked into the office, left the microphone on the desk and walked out without saying a word. I taught Period 5 and left, never to return.

 

Still no idea if that poor kid heard everything and whether he needed therapy. I haven't been back since and got a permanent job at my current school a month later. 

 

Probably safe to go back now.

 

You are Greg Davies, and I claim my £5.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

Not a big one from me but I save my best efforts for whenever I'm in the London or Leeds office, more specifically London as I like to mark my territory down there amongst the metropolitan elite. If I don't leave the bowl looking like a used potter's wheel then it's an unsuccessful trip for me. I want to be sending flowers to beloved family and friends of cleaners

[Samilktray]

The best thing about foxestalk is that you can be thinking of the best poo you’ve ever had, and you then have a safe space to come and discuss it with other fellow poo’ers.  
 

It’s one of many reasons why this forum really is a great place to be imo 

[foxfanazer]

Was waiting to be picked up for work in the middle of the night on Narbarough road years ago and had a really iffy stomach. The journey would've been over an hour and there was no way I would've made it so ended up squatting behind the Huntsman pub and let it all out. Managed to scrape a few things out of my bag to use as make shift bog roll but it wasn't pretty.

If any pub is acceptable to shit up it's that one though

 

Not my finest moment 

Edited 30 October 2024 by foxfanazer

[Free Falling Foxes]

I was on a very early visit to Bradgate Park one summer morning and just arrived at Old John. The need to go came on quite quickly so had no choice but to squat in that walled, wooded area nearby.

To keep my balance, I grabbed hold of some bracken.

Unfortunately, just after completing a rather loose poo, the bracken came away in my hand.

To this day, I've no idea how I managed to avoid sitting back in my own shite. I can only assume I managed a super human, quick and instinctive avoiding reaction or even defied gravity for a split second which bought me valuable time.

[foxfanazer]

3 months of Steve Cooper's football 

[Guest Lako42]

Randers away after a massive day on the booze. 

 

Got back to the hostel with a bit of a suspicion that I'd at least part reverted to being a 2 year old. 

 

Hobbled into the hostel toilets where a Nutella like substance confirmed my suspicions . 

 

The pressure build-up resulted in absolute devastation when I released the remaining evil into the bowl. 

 

Boxers in the bin and some serious Jackson Pollock eye candy in the trap

[foxfanazer]

8 minutes ago, Free Falling Foxes said:

I was on a very early visit to Bradgate Park one summer morning and just arrived at Old John. The need to go came on quite quickly so had no choice but to squat in that walled, wooded area nearby.

To keep my balance, I grabbed hold of some bracken.

Unfortunately, just after completing a rather loose poo, the bracken came away in my hand.

To this day, I've no idea how I managed to avoid sitting back in my own shite. I can only assume I managed a super human, quick and instinctive avoiding reaction or even defied gravity for a split second which bought me valuable time.

That's why you're called free falling fox then

[SickoDicko]

Orlando Sanford airport - after 2 weeks of greasy yank burgers i bubbled up in the budweiser tap room they had there. Safe to say if trap 1 wasn't open i would have definitely been in trouble.  

[Zear0]

Pre-match nerves before a game at Goals by the General Hospital got the better of me.  Aside the extremely poor standard of the convenience, the only roll available for the clean up was on the sodden floor which I don't think was covered in water which had soaked most of the way through up.

 

I was late for the kick off.

[Spudulike]

A friend of mine  was out fishing when he got the call. The venue was very remote with plenty of undergrowth so no great problem finding a suitable place to do the deed. Those all-in-one fishing suits are great for keeping out the elements but can be awkward getting off. It had to be unzipped from the top and rolled down which isn't easy in the dark. Anyway, job done, suit zipped back up and all is good. Back to the lakeside and whilst watching the tranquility of the setting sun it started to get a bit nippy. He flipped his hood up..... and that's when it hit him.

[Vacamion]

 

Sharm El Sheikh.  

 

I think this will suffice as a description.

 

 

The doctor I had to go and see after three days of me emptying myself and with me weak, pale and sweaty, tossed his head back laughing as he boomed, "Hah! You Eeenglish, you ALL get ze explosive diarrhoea! "

 

The dudes on the flight home, who all shot straight up when the seatbelt light went on to go and stand in a queue for the crapper, dancing and contorting and puffing their cheeks, would doubtless agree.  And also regret their choice of pale linen trousers.

 

Never again  

 

[StanSP]

Was in Marrakech, went on some tour/excursion about an hour's drive up in some mountains.

 

Very hot day, about halfway up the mountain we were climbing, started getting a bad headache and feeling dehydrated. Drank lots of water and took paracetamol etc. but didn't really improve my condition. Started getting stomach cramps and really needed to go for a shit. Held it in for a bit, but after I while, I said to the tour guide that I needed to go to the toilet.

 

In that moment, I heard the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. 'There are no toilets til we get back down'. FFS. Carried on holding it for a bit more, then really had to go. Said to the tour guide again, and he could see the desperation in my face. Knowing full well there were no toilet options, the best he could find for me was behind a large boulder/rock. I looked at him in bewilderment (but also knowing there was nothing else he could do!). I crouched down and the rest of the group I was with had to sheepishly look away. As I was down, the dirtiest, smelliest and runniest shit left my body and pooled itself right below me. It looked so smooth though . I barely felt it leave my arse it was that runny. 

 

One of those shits where you can feel the relief all the way through your body, and you feel a bit of life come back in to you. Whatever toxic shit was in my body had been released. I had about half a bottle of water left to 'clean' myself. No toilet paper. Just a quick spurt and a bit of ring sting for the next couple of hours.

 

Eventually made it back to the minibus we were on. Felt fine by then, albeit not 100%, but it was the most awkward journey back. Don't think many words were said . 

 

Got back home, went to the doctors. Turns out it was the start of my shingles misery...

Edited 30 October 2024 by StanSP

[Tuna]

2 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

3 months of Steve Cooper's football 

****s sake

[Zear0]

30 minutes ago, Vacamion said:

 

Sharm El Sheikh.  

 

I think this will suffice as a description.

 

 

The doctor I had to go and see after three days of me emptying myself and with me weak, pale and sweaty, tossed his head back laughing as he boomed, "Hah! You Eeenglish, you ALL get ze explosive diarrhoea! "

 

The dudes on the flight home, who all shot straight up when the seatbelt light went on to go and stand in a queue for the crapper, dancing and contorting and puffing their cheeks, would doubtless agree.  And also regret their choice of pale linen trousers.

 

Never again  

 

Once spent a night in a pub naming films that could relate to going to the bog and There Will Be Blood was right at the top. Splash, Deep Impact etc. Etc. 

[foxfanazer]

3 minutes ago, Zear0 said:

Once spent a night in a pub naming films that could relate to going to the bog and There Will Be Blood was right at the top. Splash, Deep Impact etc. Etc. 

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 

[Izzy]

22 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 

Apocalypse now 

[RoboFox]

.

Edited 30 October 2024 by RoboFox

[Vacamion]

1 hour ago, StanSP said:

Turns out it was the start of my shingles misery...

 

Aww man, Shingles is the worst.  I had it in 2006 on my head and still suffer the after effects.

 

It was initially misdiagnosed as infection and only when I went back to the doc a week later with half my head swollen up, did I get the anti-virals and pain killers I needed.

 

The nerves on my head were jiggered and I still get nerve pain flare ups, burning and even occasionally the feeling that water is dripping onti my head 18 years on. 

 

Alcohol helps  but, seriously, screw Shingles.

[StanSP]

23 minutes ago, Vacamion said:

 

Aww man, Shingles is the worst.  I had it in 2006 on my head and still suffer the after effects.

 

It was initially misdiagnosed as infection and only when I went back to the doc a week later with half my head swollen up, did I get the anti-virals and pain killers I needed.

 

The nerves on my head were jiggered and I still get nerve pain flare ups, burning and even occasionally the feeling that water is dripping onti my head 18 years on. 

 

Alcohol helps  but, seriously, screw Shingles.

Sounds like I got off lightly!

 

Barring the two weeks of the spots and lifetime painless scarring on my back, I haven't had any adverse effects since then. 

 

Even when I went to the doctor thinking I had some kind of food poisoning or allergic reaction to something, she knew straight away it and diagnosed it was shingles.

[ajthefox]

Nearly shit myself on a plane earlier this year.

 

We were on a stag do so hadn't been eating well, felt the need come on just as we were supposed to join the queue for board and then take off was delayed.

 

Had to ask to get up and shit whilst it was taxiing which I did quickly, and then I had to go again as soon as the seat belt signs went off cause I hadn't got it all outthe first time.

 

It was quite traumatic, I really thought I was gonna shit myself.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

4 hours ago, Zear0 said:

Pre-match nerves before a game at Goals by the General Hospital got the better of me.  Aside the extremely poor standard of the convenience, the only roll available for the clean up was on the sodden floor which I don't think was covered in water which had soaked most of the way through up.

 

I was late for the kick off.

 

Having a rancid shit in Goals toilets would probably improve them, you must've been desperate to step foot in a trap there. A true if you know you know situation imo!

[deejdeej]

12 minutes ago, ajthefox said:

Nearly shit myself on a plane earlier this year.

 

We were on a stag do so hadn't been eating well, felt the need come on just as we were supposed to join the queue for board and then take off was delayed.

 

Had to ask to get up and shit whilst it was taxiing which I did quickly, and then I had to go again as soon as the seat belt signs went off cause I hadn't got it all outthe first time.

 

It was quite traumatic, I really thought I was gonna shit myself.

This is my worst nightmare, I can only imagine the walk of shame back to your seat 

[jonthefox]

This thread is going to be far more entertaining than the united match thread.