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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
 

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foxfanazer

foxfanazer

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)
On ‎28‎/‎11‎/‎2016 at 16:10, Buce said:

My missus just called me immature.

 

I told her to get out of my fort.

 

3 hours ago, Renart said:

My wife told me to stop being so childish. I told her to get out of my fort!

 

Can you spell plagiarism, Renart? ;)

Edited by Buce
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foxfanazer

foxfanazer

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A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.  "My son was born on St Georges day" commented the Englishman "So we obviously decided to call him George".  "That's a real coincidence" remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrews day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew".  "That's incredible , what a coincidence" said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake" .... 

 

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davieG

davieG

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 

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davieG

davieG

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Are we allowed Irish joke?

 

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies,"don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is." Paddy asks, "how do you know?" Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."

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FLAN

FLAN

Posted
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3 minutes ago, davieG said:

Are we allowed Irish joke?

 

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies,"don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is." Paddy asks, "how do you know?" Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."

As a person of Irish descent I found that joke rather funny 

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Izzy

Izzy

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If we're allowed Irish jokes, an old favorite of mine...

 

Paddy and Mick break for lunch. Paddy says to Mick: "What's that new thing you've got there?"

"It's called a Thermos flask" says Mick

"What does it do?" asks Paddy

"Well, it keeps your hot things hot, and your cold things cold" replies Mick

"So what have you got in it today then?" enquirers Paddy

 

Mick takes a sip and says: "Coffee, and ice cream" 

 

 

 

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

 

An English construction site needed to take on a few more labourers.

 

Along came Paddy for a job interview.

"Now then", said the English foreman, thinking Paddy might be a bit thick, "Can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?"

 

"Well now", replied Paddy, pondering the question. "Is it that Joyce wrote 'Ulysses' while Goethe wrote 'Faust'?"

 

[Joke provided by a second-generation Kerryman - the people that the other Irish tell 'Irish jokes' about. ;)]

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bovril

bovril

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Webbo said:

enhanced-13135-1444231775-1.png?no-auto

 

I've decided not to attend that Bulgarian Comedy night after all.

lol

 

The Turkish one is even worse. They don't really do comedy in the Balkans. It's black humour without the humour. 

Not as bad as Latvian though. A Latvian girl once told me 'Latvia's funniest joke'. It was about a bear who learned to breathe through his arse and then sat down. 

Edited by bovril
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