The joke thread

[kingcarr21]

8 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by a gay genie on stage  last night .....       to be fair though the audience did try to warn him.    

took me too long to get that  

[RoboFox]

A blind man wanders into an all Girls' Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the barkeep, 'Hey mate, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, pal, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, to tell you you're in a girls biker bar... And you should know five things: 
 

- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 

- The bouncer is a blonde girl. 
- I'm a 6-foot tall, 12-stone. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously 'Mister', do you still wanna tell that joke?" 

The blind man thinks for a minute, sighs, shakes his head, and mutters...

 

"Nah, it's a good joke, but not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f**king times."

[Tielemans63]

Why are dyslexics really bad at telling jokes?

 

They always punch-up the f**kline.

Edited 24 November 2016 by Paddy.

[Beliall]

1 minute ago, Paddy. said:

Why are dyslexics really bad at telling jokes?

 

They always punch-up the fvckline.

I almost chocked!  

[Tielemans63]

Just now, Beliall said:

I almost chocked!  

 Me too when I first heard it.

[Aus Fox]

My wife came home from.work today looking really hot!

she came into the bedroom and demanded I take off her shirt there and then.

Now take off my shoes she said

Now take off my skirt she went on 

and take off my underwear.

 

And never let me catch you wearing my things again she said.

[Buce]

I had an appointment with the optician today.

She said I needed to stop masturbating.

"Why?", I asked, "will it make me go blind?"

"No", she replied, "but it's making the other patients uncomfortable"

[Buce]

Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops?

 

Apparently, they make you look hard.

[VLC86]

Robert Huths passing ability.

[separator]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

 

His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

[Buce]

A blonde walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre.

 

The barman gave her one.

[Buce]

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I've got.

 

Then they call me ugly and poor.

[Buce]

My missus just called me immature.

 

I told her to get out of my fort.

[Webbo]

A bloke's just knocked on my door asking for a donation for the local swimming pool.

 

I gave him a glass of water.

[Spudulike]

Just had one of those spam calls telling me that I'd won a competition and that I could choose my prize. The options were £50 or two tickets to see an Elvis impersonator.

 

It said, press...

 

One for the money

Two for the show

[Alf Bentley]

 

I organised a 21-gun salute for the Queen's 90th birthday, but the 21st gunner fired his gun 20th.

 

I told him it was bang out of order.

[separator]

I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my daughter's jigsaw in under 1 hour.

 

Said 5-6 years on the box.

 

[kingcarr21]

They say diarrhea is hereditary.

 

It runs in your jeans

[Beliall]

I made a belt out of watches

 

It was a waist of time

[Spudulike]

Just phoned the Mercury classifieds after a garage clear out and asked how much it costs to advertise. She told me they sell by the inch.

 

Blimey, this is going to be expensive, it's a 40 foot ladder

[Countryfox]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

 

[Countryfox]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''     

[Countryfox]

 A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' 

[kingcarr21]

23 hours ago, Beliall said:

I made a belt out of watches

 

It was a waist of time

I made a belt out of planets

 

It was a waist of Space

[Beliall]

21 minutes ago, kingcarr21 said:

I made a belt out of planets

 

It was a waist of Space