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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
On 12/1/2016 at 08:43, Beliall said:

I made a belt out of watches

 

It was a waist of time

 

1 hour ago, kingcarr21 said:

I made a belt out of planets

 

It was a waist of Space

 

Don't buckle under pressure, lads!

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
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Posted
11 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

 

Don't buckle under pressure, lads!

Speaking of buckles, I bought some shoes off my drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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Posted

I bought the Mother-in-Law some fresh herbs to try and get some flavour into her food.

 

A complete waste of Thyme.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, Buce said:

I bought the Mother-in-Law some fresh herbs to try and get some flavour into her food.

 

A complete waste of Thyme.

 

There are better uses, certainly.

 

When Boy George needed a heart operation, they made his pacemaker out of herbs.

Afterwards he said: "Thyme is a like a clock of my heart".

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

There are better uses, certainly.

 

When Boy George needed a heart operation, they made his pacemaker out of herbs.

Afterwards he said: "Thyme is a like a clock of my heart".

 

I heard about that - apparently, his heart problems were caused by the stress of owning a hyper-active lizard.

 

His doctor advised him to get a calmer chameleon.

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separator

separator

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Buce said:

I bought the Mother-in-Law some fresh herbs to try and get some flavour into her food.

 

A complete waste of Thyme.

Chive always liked jokes about herbs and spices. Keep 'em cumin

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, MPH said:

I tell you what... you guys belong to some kind of culture club - cant keep up with you!

They all go to the same church of the poisoned mind :rolleyes:

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

I tried one of the new five pound notes the other day. Thought it rather bland. I could have gone McDonalds for a burger and had the change for dessert.

 

I also  know someone who ate one. Gave them the runs. When I saw them next I asked how they were feeling. They replied 'No change'

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Sent my kids out to scrape the ice off my windscreen this morning.

 

They used their student discount cards and got 10% off.

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foxy boxing

foxy boxing

Posted
Posted

I don't know if anyone has done this joke yet but saying "Leicester city" at the moment seems to have people in stitches at the moment" if you can't laugh you'll cry lol

Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

My German mate wrote a song about a sausage. It was the wurst.

 

Then he went down the hospital, walked into intensive care and gave his keyboards to a critically ill patient.

He had always wanted to be an organ donor.

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Aus Fox

Aus Fox

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex or a one night stand" I replied.

"Sex, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex."

"that's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said.

"Good because I much prefer being Christina."

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Izzy

Izzy

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I just walked past the KP stadium and found 3 city season tickets nailed to the wall.

I thought "I'm having them!"

Nails always come in handy...

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DANGEROUS TIGER

DANGEROUS TIGER

Posted
Posted

A man was walking through the park one day and noticed a man digging a hole. When he had finished, another man filled it in again. Curiosity got the better of the puzzled onlooker, and he asked why they were doing this. "Well"" replied one of the two men, "we are employed by the council to plant new trees. I dig the holes, Patrick plants the trees, while Connor there, fills in the the holes, but Patrick is off sick today.

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
On 07/12/2016 at 01:08, Tuna said:

I had a Ploughman's lunch today.

 

It was delicious, then he punched me.

I had a similar problem with a Shepherds pie last night

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

I had a similar problem with a Shepherds pie last night

I had a cottage pie, broke my teeth on a brick

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
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Posted
9 minutes ago, Beliall said:

I had a cottage pie, broke my teeth on a brick

 

I had a Bakewell tart.

 

Then we went out for a curry.

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