The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

What's the similarities between extinct dinosaurs and Spurs fans?

 

 

Not enough!

Edited 25 December 2016 by Trav Le Bleu

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

What's the similarities between extinct dinosaurs and Spurs fans?

 

 

Not enough!

 

Extinct dinosaurs have never won the Premier League. Likewise.....

 

There are differences, however.

Extinct dinosaurs have never finished third in a two-horse race (or even a two-dinosaur race). Whereas, in contrast.....

[davieG]

I've just received a letter saying that my grandad has left me a very expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind up.

[Strokes]

9 minutes ago, davieG said:

I've just received a letter saying that my grandad has left me a very expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind up.

[Aus Fox]

20 hours ago, davieG said:

I've just received a letter saying that my grandad has left me a very expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind up.

How is the old timer? 

[davieG]

1 minute ago, Aus Fox said:

How is the old timer? 

Ticking along nicely thanks although I have to keep a watch on him but I think it'll be a long time before it's in my hands let's face it.

[Trav Le Bleu]

4 hours ago, davieG said:

Ticking along nicely thanks although I have to keep a watch on him but I think it'll be a long time before it's in my hands let's face it.

Some of these jokes are really second-hand.

[davieG]

25 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Some of these jokes are really second-hand.

Nah they stand the test of time.

[Tielemans63]

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife.

 

Since then my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

[Parafox]

18 hours ago, davieG said:

Nah they stand the test of time.

Now that's just a fob-off. At least the puns are in chronological order.

Edited 30 December 2016 by Parafox

[Renart]

On 12/28/2016 at 14:54, davieG said:

I've just received a letter saying that my grandad has left me a very expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind up.

that took me a second..

[Countryfox]

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

 

 

 

 

[Tuna]

I had a Job interview today.

The interviewer was so impressed, he said I could have any role I like.

 

I replied 'Cheese and Onion please'.

[jonthefox]

I've just opened a shop for married couples.

 

 

i've not had a single customer all day.

[bovril]

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, babble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parlay, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquise, verbalise, voice or yak about Thesaurus Club.

[separator]

I answered the door this morning.

 

A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat.

 

Apparently there's a nasty bug going round.

[Trav Le Bleu]

A long time ago in China, there were two identical brother born to the Imperial Ming dynasty. Though they were identical in appearance, in temperament they were complete opposites. One was good and gracious, kind and loving and his name was Fu. The other was bad and selfish, wicked and hateful and his name was Po. 

 

Both were raised in the finest surroundings, with everything they could ask for, the best foods, the most knowledgeable tutors, elegant cloths, all the luxuries that befit children of an emperor. Neither was favoured more than the other, each had equal opportunity and yet it was obvious there was a dark spirit to Po that was not in Fu.

 

When they came to manhood, this became all the more apparent as Po raised an army against his father. In an epic battle at the capital city gates he was defeated by Fu. As punishment for his crimes, his father had him branded on his buttocks and exiled in shame from the empire.

 

For years nothing was heard of Po. Peace and prosperity presided over the empire, but in the tenth year since Po was exiled, it was rumoured that he was returning. The Ming emperor decided that his brother should seek him out as the one person who might be able to get a listening ear, and so Fu rode out of the imperial city to seek his twin.

 

Months passed with no news of Fu's mission and the imperial family feared the worst. Then one day a figure was seen marching towards the capital with a band of men behind him, but no one knew whether it was good Fu or evil Po.  Then one bright young guard realised what must be done. There was only one physical difference between the twins and it had to be seen before this person, Fu or Po reached the city.

 

So the young guard sprinted out from the gates with all his speed, directly to the approaching company, tackled their leader and hauled down his pants before anyone could react. There was no branding on his buttocks; it was not Po Ming.

 

The guard fell to his knees. "Forgive me my Prince, but we had to be sure who you are. Now everyone can see. I apologise, for you must be Fu Ming!"

 

To which the Prince replied, "Fu Ming? I'm absolutely livid!"

[Tinman]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

Trump doesn't pay $1,000 to have a lentil on his face.

[Izzy]

My eldest kid says to me: "I'm off out Dad!"

"You're not going anywhere until you change out of that mini skirt!"" I replied

"Why not?" 

"Because I can see your bollux, son"

[separator]

My new girlfriend just sent me photos of her arse and pussy.

 

Looks like cracks are already appearing in our relationship. 

[Parafox]

I try to keep my wife happy with our sex life otherwise she is grumpy.

 

Last night I gave her an orgasm.

 

She spat it back in  my face

[foxfanazer]

A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

[foxfanazer]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

[Izzy]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

 

I'm still looking for a place to live btw

 

 

Edited 15 January 2017 by Izzy Muzzett

[Parafox]

A man with a white stick ran into me the other day almost knocking me over.

 

Quite alarmed I said "you must be ****ing blind"!!

 

"Tell me something I don't know" he snarled back.

 

"There's a tree over there" I said.