The joke thread

[Webbo]

6 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

Two hookers on the street corner. They start discussing business and  one of the hookers says "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? " The other says " No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times."

[Renart]

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

[Countryfox]

A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.     “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks
The vet replies:   “Of course you will ....     and you’ll probably win!”

 

[foxfanazer]

Gutted that one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported. 

 

We won't have Oleg to stand on.

[foxfanazer]

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares earlier today

 

Going for a shit could spell trouble

[Tuna]

Two Ladybirds were having a game of football in a Bowl. "Our game had better improve soon," says one. "Next week we are playing in the cup!".

 

[foxfanazer]

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

 

Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

[Izzy]

Bilbo awoke one morning to find a Tescos had been built right next to his house.

 

Thats an unexpected item in the baggins area.

[AKCJ]

Will glass coffins ever catch on? Remains to be seen.

[Aus Fox]

I took my 10 Year old son for a walk down town the other day, as we walked passed The Brothel, we could hear loud passionate screams.

My son turned to me and asked what the screams are? 

I think they are hormones, I replied.

 

 

 

[Tielemans63]

Doctor doctor, I'm worried there's a problem with my testicles....

 

...This one is much bigger than the other two.

[Renart]

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

[Renart]

I was going to watch the world origami championship but I hear that it's paper view.

[Buce]

Just now, Renart said:

I was going to watch the world origami championship but I hear that it's paper view.

 

It's been cancelled.

 

The sponsor has folded.

[Buce]

3 minutes ago, Renart said:

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

 

Meh.

 

Hare today, gone tomorrow.

[Parafox]

I have a rabbit called Starsky. He lives alone in the garden

 

Her hasn't got a Hutch.

[Webbo]

3 hours ago, Renart said:

I was going to watch the world origami championship but I hear that it's paper view.

I had a letter today from the Origami Association. I don't know what to make of it.

[The Bear]

I just got an Eastern European cleaning lady, but it took her four hours to hoover my house!! Turns out she's a Slovac.

[foxfanazer]

A woman walks into a pet shop and notices 3 parrots for sale. £200, £150 and £15.

'Why is that one so cheap' she asked

'Because it used to live in a brothel' the shopkeeper replied.

She found it really funny so bought it and took it home.

'**** me, a new brothel' the parrot squawked. The girl laughed hysterically.

Two of her friends came round to visit.

'**** me, two new prozzies' said the parrot. the woman again laughed.

Her husband came back from work. 

'**** me, I haven't seen you in weeks Keith'

[fuchsntf]

Judge to plaintiff: You say this fellow drove through your fence, knocked down postbox, smashed

through your plastic gnomes and flamingos, bounced off your pattio, squashed your cat, and ran

straight into your brand new car, standing in your driveway??

 

Plaintiff:  Spot on, your honour.

judge: I suppose you are suing for damages??

Plaintiff:  Fk , No!!  I got enough bloody damages!  I'm suing for bloody repairs..

******

"Doctor, doctor have you got anything to cure fleas and lice  ???"

" Maybe. What made them sick..??

********

Sergeant on duty:   You realise the officers brought you here, for drinking again??

Accused:  fk me!! Count me out , sarge. I cant hold anymore...hic.

[Izzy]

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it.

 

He's due to be bailed tomorrow...

[AKCJ]

Did you hear that the Sutton United reserve keeper has been sacked?

 

Another one bites the crust.

[Beliall]

36 minutes ago, AKCJ said:

Did you hear that the Sutton United reserve keeper has been sacked?

 

Another one bites the crust.

[separator]

Thank goodness I went to see a psychic. She told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.

 

Best £100 I've ever spent.

[Aus Fox]

A dog walks into a bar and says to the manager 'have you got any jobs?'

The stunned bar tend, looks and says 'a talking dog! Have you tried the circus?'

The dog thinks for a second and replies 'why would the circus need a bar man?'