The joke thread

[StanSP]

not a joke, per se. But good wit in response Tommy!

 

[Milo]

17 hours ago, StanSP said:

not a joke, per se. But good wit in response Tommy!

 

Took me a while...!!! 

[Tielemans63]

Paddy sat down next to his best mate Murphy in the pub on Friday night. "Listen Murphy, I need a favour from you. This is not easy for me to admit but I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. I need you to keep him talking for an hour after mass this Sunday whilst I.....you know."

 

Murphy is horrified but he and Paddy have been best mates for years and so reluctantly agrees.

 

Sunday morning rolls round and Murphy is stood in mass feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole thing. After everyone has left mass he strikes up a conversation with the priest. He asks him all sorts of stupid questions and the priest's patience soon begins to run out.

 

'Listen son, you've been asking me daft questions for over an hour, what's really going on here?"

 

Murphy, overwhelmed with guilt suddenly crumbles. "I'm so sorry father. Forgive me. I've been keeping you here while my best mate is sleeping with your wife."

 

The priest puts a fatherly hand on Murphy's shoulder. "I think you need to get yourself home right now my son. My wife died 2 years ago."

[katieakita]

On ‎20‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 21:41, notnow john said:

My girlfriend is a dwarf and just lately she's become really down because she thinks 

people are making fun of her .

Tonight , I'm going to make a real effort to cheer her up,I've bought her flowers ,

chocolates and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

My mate went out with a dwarf he was nuts over her, i went out with a Russian doll but we split up she was full of herself

[Tuna]

I've just bought a new sat-nav with a wild west theme, I tried it out for the first time today in South London.

 

It gave me a route in Tooting in good time

[Webbo]

Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing.

 

She’s behind with the washing.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

On 20/11/2017 at 23:45, Strokes said:

I’m not having that, if he claims otherwise he is a weasel faced fibber.

 

You see the best retort there could have been “you obviously haven’t been doing your Ohmwork on how to spell”  

 

my bad. 

[surrifox]

7 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Paddy sat down next to his best mate Murphy in the pub on Friday night. "Listen Murphy, I need a favour from you. This is not easy for me to admit but I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. I need you to keep him talking for an hour after mass this Sunday whilst I.....you know."

 

Murphy is horrified but he and Paddy have been best mates for years and so reluctantly agrees.

 

Sunday morning rolls round and Murphy is stood in mass feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole thing. After everyone has left mass he strikes up a conversation with the priest. He asks him all sorts of stupid questions and the priest's patience soon begins to run out.

 

'Listen son, you've been asking me daft questions for over an hour, what's really going on here?"

 

Murphy, overwhelmed with guilt suddenly crumbles. "I'm so sorry father. Forgive me. I've been keeping you here while my best mate is sleeping with your wife."

 

The priest puts a fatherly hand on Murphy's shoulder. "I think you need to get yourself home right now my son. My wife died 2 years ago."

Ok I'm going to call it - nothing about this joke makes any sense whatsoever 

[The Bear]

His mate is sleeping with HIS wife, while he's been talking to the vicar.

But yeah... It's still a bit shit.

[Filbert_Ross]

For sale, broken quiz machine.

 

No questions asked.

[KP Fox]

On 31/10/2017 at 19:25, Izzy Muzzett said:

I’ve decided to take the kids to see a fireworks display this year.

 

They've got a lovely one in ASDA.

Not having lived in Leicester for many years, I must ask - has ASDA burnt down? 

[foxfanazer]

My dad always said dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I'm now sat in a disciplinary dressed as Batman.

[TheLittleBigMan]

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

[Strokes]

I'm a bit confused with this Rohypnol I bought. On the packet it says, "Best Before Date", but then there's no numbers or anything.

 

[The Bear]

I just started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof...

[Guest kristianity77]

Good deed done for the day!  Was stood behind a frail old woman in Sainsburys earlier who had £63 worth of shopping but her card got declined at the till.  Being near Christmas and the season of good will and all that, I helped her put it all back.

[Strokes]

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

 

[TiffToff88]

15 minutes ago, Strokes said:

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

 

 But did she put your blinds up or not?

[cambridgefox]

On 20/11/2017 at 21:41, notnow john said:

My girlfriend is a dwarf and just lately she's become really down because she thinks 

people are making fun of her .

Tonight , I'm going to make a real effort to cheer her up,I've bought her flowers ,

chocolates and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

There is a dwarf called Peter who works in my local bakers.

He was talking to me for ages the other day about how he makes the flatbreads, it was really interesting.

 

oh I do like the pita patter of tiny Pete!

[bovril]

21 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

 But did she put your blinds up or not?

And is she from Venice? 

[bovril]

17 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

There is a dwarf called Peter who works in my local bakers.

He was talking to me for ages the other day about how he makes the flatbreads, it was really interesting.

 

oh I do like the pita patter of tiny Pete!

There's a dwarf that works in my office called Jim. I asked him if he could lend me some change for the coffee machine yesterday but he was a little short. 

[Tielemans63]

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

 

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

[Buce]

Lawrence of Arabia had been riding across the desert for weeks and, being a red-blooded male, he was missing the company of a woman. As he sat sipping tea by his camp fire, he cast a longing stare at his camel’s firm buttocks. 

 

Well, being a typical man, and there being no one else around, he allowed his lust to overcome common decency; he dropped his trousers and shuffled up behind the camel. Then, just as he was about to penetrate the hapless beast, the camel twisted round and snapped at Lawrence’s proud member, missing by mere inches. 

Shocked into flacidity he returned to his tea. 

 

A little later his erection returned, and with it his courage. Once more he crept up behind the camel, and once more the camel snapped at his cock, this time missing by just a couple of millimetres. Thoroughly chastened, he gave it up as a bad job and went to bed frustrated.  

 

Well, it’s a funny old life and as luck would have it the following day he came across a beautiful woman buried up to her neck in the sand. “Oh, praise be to God! I am saved!”, she cried. “Release me from the sand and I will do anything you want”.

”Anything?”, he replied with a gleam in his eye. 

“Yes, anything”, she said, smiling sexily. 

 

Lawrence was a fit man, and after a few minutes digging the maiden was free. “Now for your part of the bargain”, he said. “You did say anything, right?”

“Of course”, she said, “my word is my bond”.

”Brilliant!”, he leered, “now hold this camel’s head while I fvck it”.

Edited 26 November 2017 by Buce

[Buce]

 For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to
give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of
his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from
whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and
said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's
head!"          

[RoboFox]

People are always shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.