The joke thread

[Strokes]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Apparently, Leicester is running an incest festival next week.

 

I'm gonna enter my sister.

[Strokes]

I was going to tell a joke about a dwarf, but in the end I decided it was a bit below the belt.

[Tielemans63]

52 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Apparently, Leicester is running an incest festival next week.

 

I'm gonna enter my sister.

Incestival?

[Captain...]

2 hours ago, Strokes said:

I was going to tell a joke about a dwarf, but in the end I decided it was a bit below the belt.

You shouldn't make jokes about stupid dwarves, it's not big and it's not clever.

[Izzy]

David Blaine is said to be fuming, after his record of doing nothing in the box for 44 days has been smashed by Romelu Lukaku

[Buce]

 

"What do we want?"

 

"Low flying aeroplane noises!"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"Nnnnnneeeeeeeeooooww!"

[Trav Le Bleu]

19 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

David Blaine is said to be fuming, after his record of doing nothing in the box for 44 days has been smashed by Romelu Lukaku

I thought Christian Benteke was the record holder?

[Facecloth]

19 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

David Blaine is said to be fuming, after his record of doing nothing in the box for 44 days has been smashed by Romelu Lukaku

Bit harsh, he got two assists this weekend.

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

"What do we want?"

 

"Low flying aeroplane noises!"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"Nnnnnneeeeeeeeooooww!"

"What do we want?"

 

"A cure for tourettes!"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"CVNT!"

[separator]

"What do we want?"

 

"A cure for Dyslexia!"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"Own!"

 

Edited 11 December 2017 by separator

[Izzy]

10 minutes ago, separator said:

"What do we want?"

 

"A cure for Dyslexia!"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"Own!"

 

Loving the way you went back and edited a joke about dyslexia 

[Buce]

 

What should you do when you come across a Lion?

 

Apologise and wipe it off.

[Izzy]

I settled down in front of the TV earlier to watch women's beach volleyball, but unfortunately there was a serious wrist injury after only two minutes.

 

A&E was pretty busy for a Monday evening I must admit...

Edited 11 December 2017 by Izzy Muzzett

[foxfanazer]

Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Jimmy Saville walk into an Irish bar. The barman says ‘Not yewtree again’

[Izzy]

On 10/12/2017 at 17:28, Izzy Muzzett said:

Stuart Hall, Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris walk into a pub.

 

An Irishman at the bar shouts over "oh jeez, not yew tree again"!

 

2 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Jimmy Saville walk into an Irish bar. The barman says ‘Not yewtree again’

Slightly different - yet similar 

[foxfanazer]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Slightly different - yet similar 

 my bad! Didn’t see that 

[Izzy]

26 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

 my bad! Didn’t see that 

 I prefer your version - much more topical! 

[Alf Bentley]

My mate kept eating enormous quantities of mushy peas, to the extent that it left him with really bad breath.

I had a word with him and he's seen a hospital specialist.

 

He's been diagnosed with Super-Calorific Ex-Pea Halitosis.

[Buce]

 

Just a heads-up, @Alf Bentley - I think Izzy has hacked your account.

[Alf Bentley]

On 12/10/2017 at 17:28, Izzy Muzzett said:

Stuart Hall, Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris walk into a pub.

 

An Irishman at the bar shouts over "oh jeez, not yew tree again"!

 

1 hour ago, foxfanazer said:

Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Jimmy Saville walk into an Irish bar. The barman says ‘Not yewtree again’

 

Ron Harris, Max Bygraves and Jimmy Osmond walk into a risqué gay club.

The barman says: "we don't mind gambling or Scouse hippies, but you've got to get your Chopper out here".

 

[Strokes]

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I ****ing hate it." 

[Izzy]

19 minutes ago, Strokes said:

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I ****ing hate it." 

Funnily enough I also took my son to see Father Christmas today and he fvckin stank of booze and fags.

 

God knows what Santa thought of him! 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

What do we want ?

An end to acronyms 

When do we want it ?

ASAP

[Izzy]

I've got a real constipation problem at the moment.

 

I tried to remember how long it's been since I last took a shit, but in the end I had to work it out with a pencil...

[Tielemans63]

My therapist told me that a great way to get rid of your anger is to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

 

To be fair it's worked a treat but now I'm not sure what to do with the letters.