The joke thread

[Buce]

22 minutes ago, Strokes said:

My Ikea advent calendar is ****ing shit... I had to screw the bastard doors on myself.

 

Then it fell down and crushed your kids...

[Strokes]

17 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Then it fell down and crushed your kids...

I did think about adding that but I thought I did actually hang my kids up and didn’t want to tempt fate

 

[Buce]

Just now, Strokes said:

I did think about adding that but I thought I did actually hang my kids up and didn’t want to tempt fate

 

 

 

Poor little buggers.

[ozleicester]

11 hours ago, Strokes said:

I did think about adding that but I thought I did actually hang my kids up and didn’t want to tempt fate

 

kinell... most people just hang stockings

[Captain...]

20 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've just sat down in a restaurant with the Mrs and ordered the whale soup. 

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet....

Reminds of this one:

 

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[TheLittleBigMan]

This just in.. The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.

[Strokes]

On a recent family holiday my son and I were looking for some extreme sports to do together, after looking through the options my son asked if we could try the bungee jump. I wasn’t keen, I said ‘’son, you came into this world because of a broken rubber and I’m not going let you go out because of one.’’

[Trav Le Bleu]

Coventry - city of culture.

[Strokes]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace' So I bought her nothing.

 

[Strokes]

I saw a mate who I hadn't seen for a while. "Wow Steve, great to see you again, you've lost so much weight, been on a health binge or something?" "Hello, John, " I replied, "I'm afraid it's down to my wife, she will be using a wheelchair permanently soon so I thought it best to lose the weight. " "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, " he replied, "so you've lost the weight so you will be fit enough to push her around?" "Not at all, " I answered, "I just don't want to be a fat **** when I go looking for a replacement. "

Edited 10 December 2017 by Strokes

[Carl the Llama]

2 hours ago, Strokes said:

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace' So I bought her nothing.

 

She wouldn't settle for pearl then?

[Izzy]

Stuart Hall, Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris walk into a pub.

 

An Irishman at the bar shouts over "oh jeez, not yew tree again"!

[Strokes]

Two interesting facts about me, first, my knob is the same length as two of those Argos pens and second, I'm banned from Argos. 

[Buce]

 

Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... and a table... a chair..

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... and a table... a chair..

[Beliall]

Just now, Izzy Muzzett said:

how ironic this is also in the wrong thread

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, Beliall said:

how ironic this is also in the wrong thread

Does it matter petal?

[Buce]

 

I called the rape advice hotline the other day.

 

Turns out it's just for victims.

[Beliall]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Does it matter petal?

no dude, it was a joke, about a meme about a blind joke being posted in the wrong thread, like you were blind. Are you ok muzzy?

[Strokes]

2 minutes ago, Beliall said:

no dude, it was a joke, about a meme about a blind joke being posted in the wrong thread, like you were blind. Are you ok muzzy?

C’mon you know he don’t like that.

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Beliall said:

no dude, it was a joke, about a meme about a blind joke being posted in the wrong thread, like you were blind. Are you ok muzzy?

Sorry mate. All these drugs are obviously making me paranoid 

[Beliall]

Just now, Izzy Muzzett said:

Sorry mate. All these drugs are obviously making me paranoid 

my bad too mate, it wasnt very funny

[The Bear]

my bad too mate, it wasnt very funny

This post needs pinning at the top of every page.

[Strokes]

They've published another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.

 

Monday:- Stayed in, Dad came down and ****ed me.

Tuesday:- Stayed in, Got ****ed by Dad

Wednesday:- Stayed in, Dad ****ed me doggy style

Thursday:- Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face

Friday:- Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding

Saturday:- Went to watch Tottenham Hotspur play. Wish I'd ****ing stayed in.

[Buce]

 

Apparently, Leicester is running an incest festival next week.

 

I'm gonna enter my sister.