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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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Posted

I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned last week.

 

I took a shit load of abuse for my floral tribute, that was in the shape of a life jacket.

 

But as I said to everyone at the service, It’s what he would've wanted...

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

A woman ran into a police station wailing and claiming that she had been raped.

 

After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested a description of the rapist from her.

 

"He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and a helmet" she said.

 

"Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman.

 

"Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer."

 

"What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer.

 

"No sir," she replied, "Its just that he didn't stay in for very long."

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, The Bear said:

It's certainly funnier than all of yours.

Just in case you haven't read this on the forum Guidelines section...

 

Guidelines

Leicester City Fans Forum (FoxesTalk)

FoxesTalk is a Leicester City website aimed solely at the fans of Leicester City Football Club.

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted (edited)

When I was 17 I got caught masturbating by my mum.

 

She was livid. She sent me up to my bedroom and told me my Dad would be speaking to me when he got in from work.

 

When my Dad came up he sat down and said "Son, it's a filthy habit and if you keep doing it you'll go blind."

 

I said "I'm over here Dad"

Edited by Paddy.
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Benguin

Benguin

Posted
Posted

I've been working in the states recently and accidentally drove into area 51 on the way home. I was held at gunpoint and when they realised I had made a mistake they told me I could leave but I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it. The next morning I went back and just as they held their guns up at me I shouted sorry but someone's got to tell my wife where I was last night.

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Strokes

Strokes

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Just went into the pub and asked for a pint of anything except Stella.

 

"What's wrong with Stella?" Asked the Barman.

 

"I had 12 pints of Stella last night and the next thing I remember, I was fùcking skint." I replied.

 

"12 pints of anything costs roughly the same, mate." He said.

 

 

"Yeah, I know." I replied. "But Skint is my dog."

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Sir Shep

Sir Shep

Posted
Posted

Need to bump this up with some classic Christmas cracker jokes, like........

 

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

 

So he can Ho Ho Ho!

 

Ok maybe not.

 

Hope you’re all having a good one and to those who aren’t having a good time and it’s difficult for you, I hope you reach better times in the future and take solace in the odd bit of silly humour that appears on here. 

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ozleicester

ozleicester

Posted
Posted
On 12/13/2017 at 06:44, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've got a real constipation problem at the moment.

 

I tried to remember how long it's been since I last took a shit, but in the end I had to work it out with a pencil...

My mate was a constipated mathematician... he also had to work it out with a pencil

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Guest Harrydc

Guest Harrydc

Posted
Posted

Last year I left my Xmas shopping to the last minute so ended up doing all my shopping at the petrol station.

I thought I'd be in the shit but my daughter's face lit up when she opened the 'L' Plates.

I'm not sure why she then went out to look on the driveway!

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