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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

Paddy sat down next to his best mate Murphy in the pub on Friday night. "Listen Murphy, I need a favour from you. This is not easy for me to admit but I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. I need you to keep him talking for an hour after mass this Sunday whilst I.....you know."

 

Murphy is horrified but he and Paddy have been best mates for years and so reluctantly agrees.

 

Sunday morning rolls round and Murphy is stood in mass feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole thing. After everyone has left mass he strikes up a conversation with the priest. He asks him all sorts of stupid questions and the priest's patience soon begins to run out.

 

'Listen son, you've been asking me daft questions for over an hour, what's really going on here?"

 

Murphy, overwhelmed with guilt suddenly crumbles. "I'm so sorry father. Forgive me. I've been keeping you here while my best mate is sleeping with your wife."

 

The priest puts a fatherly hand on Murphy's shoulder. "I think you need to get yourself home right now my son. My wife died 2 years ago."

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katieakita

katieakita

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On ‎20‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 21:41, notnow john said:

My girlfriend is a dwarf and just lately she's become really down because she thinks 

people are making fun of her .

Tonight , I'm going to make a real effort to cheer her up,I've bought her flowers ,

chocolates and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

My mate went out with a dwarf he was nuts over her, i went out with a Russian doll but we split up she was full of herself

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surrifox

surrifox

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Paddy sat down next to his best mate Murphy in the pub on Friday night. "Listen Murphy, I need a favour from you. This is not easy for me to admit but I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. I need you to keep him talking for an hour after mass this Sunday whilst I.....you know."

 

Murphy is horrified but he and Paddy have been best mates for years and so reluctantly agrees.

 

Sunday morning rolls round and Murphy is stood in mass feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole thing. After everyone has left mass he strikes up a conversation with the priest. He asks him all sorts of stupid questions and the priest's patience soon begins to run out.

 

'Listen son, you've been asking me daft questions for over an hour, what's really going on here?"

 

Murphy, overwhelmed with guilt suddenly crumbles. "I'm so sorry father. Forgive me. I've been keeping you here while my best mate is sleeping with your wife."

 

The priest puts a fatherly hand on Murphy's shoulder. "I think you need to get yourself home right now my son. My wife died 2 years ago."

Ok I'm going to call it - nothing about this joke makes any sense whatsoever 

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cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted
On 20/11/2017 at 21:41, notnow john said:

My girlfriend is a dwarf and just lately she's become really down because she thinks 

people are making fun of her .

Tonight , I'm going to make a real effort to cheer her up,I've bought her flowers ,

chocolates and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

There is a dwarf called Peter who works in my local bakers.

He was talking to me for ages the other day about how he makes the flatbreads, it was really interesting.

 

oh I do like the pita patter of tiny Pete!

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bovril

bovril

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Posted
17 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

There is a dwarf called Peter who works in my local bakers.

He was talking to me for ages the other day about how he makes the flatbreads, it was really interesting.

 

oh I do like the pita patter of tiny Pete!

There's a dwarf that works in my office called Jim. I asked him if he could lend me some change for the coffee machine yesterday but he was a little short. 

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Buce

Buce

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Posted (edited)

Lawrence of Arabia had been riding across the desert for weeks and, being a red-blooded male, he was missing the company of a woman. As he sat sipping tea by his camp fire, he cast a longing stare at his camel’s firm buttocks. 

 

Well, being a typical man, and there being no one else around, he allowed his lust to overcome common decency; he dropped his trousers and shuffled up behind the camel. Then, just as he was about to penetrate the hapless beast, the camel twisted round and snapped at Lawrence’s proud member, missing by mere inches. 

Shocked into flacidity he returned to his tea. 

 

A little later his erection returned, and with it his courage. Once more he crept up behind the camel, and once more the camel snapped at his cock, this time missing by just a couple of millimetres. Thoroughly chastened, he gave it up as a bad job and went to bed frustrated.  

 

Well, it’s a funny old life and as luck would have it the following day he came across a beautiful woman buried up to her neck in the sand. “Oh, praise be to God! I am saved!”, she cried. “Release me from the sand and I will do anything you want”.

”Anything?”, he replied with a gleam in his eye. 

“Yes, anything”, she said, smiling sexily. 

 

Lawrence was a fit man, and after a few minutes digging the maiden was free. “Now for your part of the bargain”, he said. “You did say anything, right?”

“Of course”, she said, “my word is my bond”.

”Brilliant!”, he leered, “now hold this camel’s head while I fvck it”.

Edited by Buce
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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted


 For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to
give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of
his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from
whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and
said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's
head!"          

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