The joke thread

[Strokes]

My mate Dave reckon's he can tighten a lug nut just by sitting on it. Personally I think he torque's through his arse.

 

[The Bear]

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.

Chinda Goodunproppa is denying all chrages.

[notnow john]

The other day I said to my misses,

"why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasm"

and she said,

"you don't like me ringing you at work!"

Edited 28 November 2017 by notnow john

[the fox]

spurs!

[TiffToff88]

1 hour ago, the fox said:

spurs!

Close thread. We have a winner.

[Strokes]

2 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Close thread. We have a winner.

Late entry.........Spurs fans.

[Tuna]

Just bought some extra strong mints.

 

Can't get the buggers out of the packet.

[Parafox]

14 hours ago, Tuna said:

Just bought some extra strong mints.

 

Can't get the buggers out of the packet.

14 hours and no reaction? Shame on them.

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Parafox said:

14 hours and no reaction? Shame on them.

 

Sometimes silence speaks loudest...

[Countryfox]

Ken, the lazy landlord at the Fox, has finally put up some new jokes on the bog wall ....

 

 

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Countryfox said:

Ken, the lazy landlord at the Fox, has finally put up some new jokes on the bog wall ....

 

 

Saw that punchline coming after the first, "so, you finish"?

[Countryfox]

3 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Saw that punchline coming after the first, "so, you finish"?

 Me too ...  but was the best of a bad bunch ..  

[separator]

Prince Harry says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

 

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fvck, he's still going!

[Tuna]

Just come back from a Rag 'n' Bone Man gig.

 

He wasn't at his best, but he's only human after all.

 

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

19 minutes ago, Tuna said:

Just come back from a Rag 'n' Bone Man gig.

 

He wasn't at his best, but he's only human after all.

 

 

[davieG]

Headline from the Merc

 

Council trims bushes at Groby Pool in attempt to stop dogging

[ajthefox]

1 hour ago, davieG said:

Headline from the Merc

 

Council trims bushes at Groby Pool in attempt to stop dogging

Free pubic hair trimming services will surely encourage it, no?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

4 hours ago, davieG said:

Headline from the Merc

 

Council trims bushes at Groby Pool in attempt to stop dogging

Surely that will just encourage it? . . . . 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

2 hours ago, ajthefox said:

Free pubic hair trimming services will surely encourage it, no?

 

 

[notnow john]

Just been getting the decorations out of the loft and I found

the 1977 Xmas edition of the radio times.

 

Or as its now called, the sex offenders register.

[Strokes]

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in ****ing one?” 

[Tinman]

My party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

[Izzy]

I've just sat down in a restaurant with the Mrs and ordered the whale soup. 

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet....

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've just sat down in a restaurant with the Mrs and ordered the whale soup. 

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet....

 

 

Reminds me of that Spitting Image sketch where Thatcher is ordering dinner while sat with her cabinet:

 

"I'll have the roast beef"

 

"Very good, Madam. And what about the vegetables?"

 

"Oh, they'll have the same..."

Edited 4 December 2017 by Buce

[Strokes]

My Ikea advent calendar is ****ing shit... I had to screw the bastard doors on myself.