The joke thread

[Beliall]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Flying back tomorrow night. ... It got me thinking about planes .....

Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit ?

[Alf Bentley]

5 hours ago, Beliall said:

 

Didn't work very well in France either, I heard. 

[Foxesmints]

On 06/06/2018 at 17:03, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Flying back tomorrow night. ... It got me thinking about planes .....

Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit ?

No, a Box office

[Foxesmints]

I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.
I've got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me.

O V N R

[woollett the bullet]

If a woman sleeps with 100 men , she's a slut 

Yet if a man does it . . . . . 

He's gay , definitely gay

[Beliall]

[Nalis]

I've always wanted to be a procrastinator but I keep putting it off.

[Izzy]

A man gets stopped by a Game Warden with a basket full of fish....

 

Warden: "Do you have a permit for all these fish?"

 

Man: "No sir. These are all my pet fish."

 

Warden: "Your pet fish? How's that?"

 

Man: "Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night."

 

Warden: "Well that's just a crock of lies!"

 

Man: "Here I'll show you"... and he releases the fish into the lake

 

Warden: "Well this I've got to see!"

 

5 minutes later...

 

Warden: "Well?"

 

Man: "Well what?"

 

Warden: "The fish! Where's your pet fish?"

 

Man: "What fish?"

[Izzy]

I went to the doctor today complaining about feeling like a shite Welsh town.

 

The doctor said "There are no obvious symptoms, but I can see you're Rhyl"

[Webbo]

6 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went to the doctor today complaining about feeling like a shite Welsh town.

 

The doctor said "There are no obvious symptoms, but I can see you're Rhyl"

[Aus Fox]

On 11/06/2018 at 07:56, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went to the doctor today complaining about feeling like a shite Welsh town.

 

The doctor said "There are no obvious symptoms, but I can see you're Rhyl"

Way hey!! That's a Bangor of a joke!

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

Way hey!! That's a Bangor of a joke!

 

Did you not find the Mirth a Tad Full?

 

Rather than leave a joke to Mold, hard as a Flint @Izzy Muzzett thinks "I'll Press Dat In" - so he takes the jokes and he Wrexham.

 

[Izzy]

29 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Did you not find the Mirth a Tad Full?

 

Rather than leave a joke to Mold, hard as a Flint @Izzy Muzzett thinks "I'll Press Dat In" - so he takes the jokes and he Wrexham.

 

Damn you’re good.

 

I’ll have to think more Caerphilly next time 

[Buce]

 

28 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Damn you’re good.

 

I’ll have to think more Caerphilly next time 

 

That has been used as a cheese pun about a million times!

 

You have no shame.

[Izzy]

Bloody Amazon

 

I ordered Four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

[The Bear]

I was in a lingerie shop, I said "are these knickers satin?" He said "no, they're new."

[Alf Bentley]

On 05/06/2018 at 19:55, DANGEROUS TIGER said:

Oh yes, great uncle Tony.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat-uncle Tony, surely?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. 

 

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.. that was me.

[Wolfox]

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[Tuna]

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

 

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

 

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

 

I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

[Izzy]

I've recently built an electric fence around my house.

 

My neighbour is dead against it.

[ozleicester]

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted,

“Wait! I’m a living talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said,

“And you will dialogue.”

[Izzy]

12 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted,

“Wait! I’m a living talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said,

“And you will dialogue.”

[Webbo]

14 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted,

“Wait! I’m a living talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said,

“And you will dialogue.”

I had to think about it, then I wished I hadn't bothered.