The joke thread

[Buce]

On 24/06/2018 at 18:59, Buce said:

 

Is that the Scottish dentist's mate, Phil MacCaverty?

 

On 24/06/2018 at 20:04, woollett the bullet said:

ha ha , could be ,

I also thought Ben Doon and Phil McCavity were a gay Scottish couple

 

2 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Jeez can’t remember how long ago it was when I heard that one !! ...   but I think I was wearing short trousers ..   

 

But while we’re at it ...    

 

Two nice boys ...   Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

 

School show off ....    Ivor Biggun.

 

 

The same fvcking page!

[davieG]

1 minute ago, Countryfox said:

 

Jeez can’t remember how long ago it was when I heard that one !! ...   but I think I was wearing short trousers ..   

 

But while we’re at it ...    

 

Two nice boys ...   Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

 

School show off ....    Ivor Biggun.

 

Plus

Book titles from my Primary School days

 

Sliding down the banister by Major Bumsore

Falling off a cliff by Eileen Dover

Broken window by Eva Brick

[Countryfox]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

 

 

The same fvcking page!

 

Oh bolox ...   

[Tielemans63]

Just been promoted to Senior Director on Old MacDonald's farm.

 

I'm the new CIEIO.

Edited 27 June 2018 by Paddy.

[Carl the Llama]

13 minutes ago, Paddy. said:

Just been promoted to Senior Director on Old MacDonald's farm.

 

I'm the new CIEIO.

 

Someone's been watching Pointless...

 

 

...And taking a couple of hours to come up with that rotter.   

[TiffToff88]

1 hour ago, Countryfox said:

 

Jeez can’t remember how long ago it was when I heard that one !! ...   but I think I was wearing short trousers ..   

 

But while we’re at it ...    

 

Two nice boys ...   Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

 

School show off ....    Ivor Biggun.

 

I thought the school showoff was @Mike Oxlong

[Mike Oxlong]

2 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

Jeez can’t remember how long ago it was when I heard that one !! ...   but I think I was wearing short trousers ..   

 

But while we’re at it ...    

 

Two nice boys ...   Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

 

School show off ....    Ivor Biggun.

 

 

Were they orange ? 

[Countryfox]

5 minutes ago, Mike Oxlong said:

 

Were they orange ? 

 

Correct ...

 

 

[CarbonVirtine]

On 22/06/2018 at 23:24, Izzy Muzzett said:

I just woke up having a nightmare that Gloria Gaynor was in my room

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified......

I had a dream that I was a tree.

 

Same punchline.

[Carl the Llama]

1 minute ago, CarbonVirtine said:

I had a dream that I was a tree.

 

Same punchline.

Must have been a long dream.

[cambridgefox]

3 hours ago, davieG said:

Plus

Book titles from my Primary School days

 

Sliding down the banister by Major Bumsore

Falling off a cliff by Eileen Dover

Broken window by Eva Brick

The Lion Tamer by Claude Balls

[Carl the Llama]

13 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

The Lion Tamer by Claude Balls

Very good, if he succumbs to his injuries his wife should get a copy of Coping with Loss by Will Reader.

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, davieG said:

Plus

Book titles from my Primary School days

 

Sliding down the banister by Major Bumsore

Falling off a cliff by Eileen Dover

Broken window by Eva Brick

Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom

[Izzy]

My dog Minton just destroyed my collection of shuttlecocks.

 

Bad Minton!

[Tuna]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My dog Minton just destroyed my collection of shuttlecocks.

 

Bad Minton!

Tim Vine just called he wants his joke back!

[Izzy]

I was given some really good financial news today.

 

The little orphan kid I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.

[Carl the Llama]

14 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was given some really good financial news today.

 

The little orphan kid I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.

You never sponsored an African orphan, stop... lion.

 

 

 

If anyone needs me I'll be standing in the corner thinking about what I've just done.

[Izzy]

Just got a new iPhone, so thought I'd try out this Siri thing as I've not used it before.

 

"Surely it's not going to rain at the weekend is it?" I asked Siri.

 

"It is going to rain at the weekend, and don't call me Shirley", Siri replied.

 

Turns out I had it on Airplane mode

[Izzy]

I saw a poor old lady fall over outside the shops today. 

 

At least I think she was poor as she only had a pound in her purse.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

11 hours ago, cambridgefox said:

The Lion Tamer by Claude Balls

Willy by Ivor Biggun?

[TiffToff88]

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

[Izzy]

I've just been told there's a nudist convention on in my town next week.

 

I might go if I have nothing on.

[Izzy]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared in wide eyed disbelief.

Then, breaking the nervous silence I spoke;

 

"Yes that seems to fit just fine, I'll take the whole packet please"...

[ozleicester]

On 28/06/2018 at 05:59, Carl the Llama said:

You never sponsored an African orphan, stop... lion.

 

 

 

If anyone needs me I'll be standing in the corner thinking about what I've just done.

It made me laugh, thats the mane thing

[Bob Weasel Fox]

At a travel agency in Shanghai , I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

 

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

 

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

 

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

 

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"What she really said was:  666136429."