The joke thread

[Countryfox]

32 minutes ago, Izzy said:

It made me chuckle tbh

Didn’t make the Bushmills tour guide chuckle when I just told it to her ..   

 

 

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

Didn’t make the Bushmills tour guide chuckle when I just told it to her ..   

 

 

No sense of humour those Irish 

[Beliall]

[Izzy]

On 01/10/2017 at 11:57, Izzy said:

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce at auction, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

 

So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it...

 

On 12/01/2019 at 22:43, Facecloth said:

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

 

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…

 

15 minutes ago, Beliall said:

[Jimothy]

Mine was funniest 

[Beliall]

10 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

 

[broughtonblue]

Errrrm !!  ????

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.
Ended up skipping dinner

[Wolfox]

I got attacked by 3 blokes last night but I still managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time time for a wank but it could have been my last.

[wurmer]

On 23/07/2019 at 16:02, Vince Vega said:

Two nuns were walking along a narrow country lane when a naked man ran past them.  One of the nuns had a stroke............................ the other couldn't reach! 

Was telling that one at school in the 1970's....

[Filbert_Ross]

Paid this bloke £500 upfront to make me a bed frame, he only went a done a bunk.

[Wortho]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

[TiffToff88]

2 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

That's the first sign of the apocalypse... A @Wortho joke that actually made me chuckle!

[davieG]

4 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

Especially Marge as I've heard she's easy to spread.

(Joke from my junior school days)

[Wortho]

A Welsh sheep farmer is having trouble with his flock of sheep not getting pregnant from his Ram so he goes to see the local vet for advice.
The vet tells him that Artificial Insemination would be a good idea. The farmer then asks how will he know when the sheep are expecting and the vet replies that they will be laid down in the field and looking after themselves. The farmer then leaves the surgery. The only trouble is that he hasn't got a clue what Artificial Insemination is and did not want to ask the vet what it entailed as he did not want to appear ignorant to the vet.
So he decides that he will do the job himself so the next morning he loads them up in his Land Rover and takes them to a clearing in the woods and proceeds to shag them.
The next day he gets up and looks out of his window and finds that the sheep are all stood up.
He decides that he will shag each sheep twice to make sure that the job is done properly so off they all go in the Land Rover to the woods again where the farmer shags each one twice.
The next morning he can barely get out of bed as he is so tired from his previous exertions and asks his wife to look out the window to see if the sheep are laid down.
She responds by telling him "No, but they are all in your Land Rover and one of them keeps sounding the car horn".

[Wortho]

I hope that I haven't offended any Welsh, sheep or Land Rover drivers 

[The Bear]

Name one good thing about Switzerland.

 

Well, the flag is a big plus.

[Wortho]

The wife has got the major hump this morning as someone has stolen a pair of her knickers off the washing line.
Its not so much about the knickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back.

[Wortho]

My Mum and Dad were midgets.

For years they struggled to put food on the table.

[Buce]

Just now, Wortho said:

My Mum and Dad were midgets.

For years they struggled to put food on the table.

 

Why didn’t they just get a smaller table? Or buy a set of steps?

I don’t think you’ve thought this through, Wortho.  

[Wortho]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

Why didn’t they just get a smaller table? Or buy a set of steps?

I don’t think you’ve thought this through, Wortho.  

Don't blame me Buce I was only small at the time

[Beliall]

[The Bear]

Dave and I.... 

 

/pedant

[Beliall]

52 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Dave and I.... 

 

/pedant

you spelled "twat" wrong

[The Bear]

Twat and I?