The joke thread

[Parafox]

2 hours ago, Blarmy said:

No need to guess, weigh the furry bastards! I did something similar with lizards a few years back. Didn’t last long though - I (THEY) didn’t have any scales. 

Works better 

[Blarmy]

33 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Works better 

It does - slightly less appalling with that tweak   

[Parafox]

1 minute ago, Blarmy said:

It does - slightly less appalling with that tweak   

Unless you're one of those lizard creatures I keep reading about on here 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be  honest  I only
intended to rough him up a bit.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My friend doesn’t like to talk about his psoriasis. 

He’d rather sweep it under the carpet

[Parafox]

23 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be  honest  I only
intended to rough him up a bit.

 

9 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My friend doesn’t like to talk about his psoriasis. 

He’d rather sweep it under the carpet

I prefer it when you simply post "come on Leicester"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

12 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

I prefer it when you simply post "come on Leicester"

Thanks Buddy 😂

[Milo]

On 08/05/2021 at 09:09, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My friend doesn’t like to talk about his psoriasis. 

He’d rather sweep it under the carpet

🤮

[Buce]

 

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

[Aus Fox]

My blind wife asked me to surprise her for her birthday, so I left the plunger in the toilet.

[Aus Fox]

I went to the dentist for a bit of routine surgery, as soon as I sat in the chair he said “This is going to hurt a bit, are you read for it?”

“Yes, go ahead” I replied

He said “I’m sleeping with your wife”

Edited 10 May 2021 by Aus Fox

[Buce]

 

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

 

I left without making a scene.

[Buce]

 

Will glass coffins be a success?

 

Remains to be seen.

[davieG]

Is this the Tim Vine joke thread?

[Buce]

 

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad @Strokes is as an electrician.

 

and...

 

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way @Izzy does.

[Alf Bentley]

On 09/05/2021 at 17:56, Buce said:

 

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

 

I heard he was hoping his mates would join him......

 

The bee came along for the buzz, the mosquito fancied a bite and the earwig popped out for a quick nip, but the snail has gone into his shell lately, while the millipede stayed at home to get his leg over....and his leg over....and his leg over...

[Strokes]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad @Strokes is as an electrician.

 

and...

 

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way @Izzy does.

I used to love you but the spark has just gone.
Today funnily enough. 

[Facecloth]

My optician told me I'm colourblind today.

 

That came right out of the purple.

[Buce]

3 hours ago, Facecloth said:

My optician told me I'm colourblind today.

 

That came right out of the purple.

 

My optician told me I had to stop masturbating.

 

"Why?", I said, "will it make me go blind?"

 

"No", she said, "but the other people in the waiting room are complaining"

[Facecloth]

I nearly lost my job as a roofer for masturbating whilst on the job.

 

Luckily my boss let me wipe the slate clean.

[Aus Fox]

On 15/05/2021 at 14:34, Facecloth said:

I nearly lost my job as a roofer for masturbating whilst on the job.

 

Luckily my boss let me wipe the slate clean.

Luckily the boss saw you coming 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with our dog.

Anyone want some puppies going cheap?

[MPH]

My football team just had their end of season awards and I walked off with the player of the season award!

 

 

Guy who won it is fuming!

[Beliall]

4 minutes ago, MPH said:

My football team just had their end of season awards and I walked off with the player of the season award!

 

 

Guy who won it is fuming!

ill give you rep point for the timing. but thats it. its not an endorsement of the joke. 

[MPH]

2 hours ago, Beliall said:

ill give you rep point for the timing. but thats it. its not an endorsement of the joke. 

You’d have laughed if we had won today