The joke thread

[Beliall]

33 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

****s sake, i dont know whats worse, the joke or the fact i didnt see the punchline coming

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

3 minutes ago, Beliall said:

****s sake, i dont know whats worse, the joke or the fact i didnt see the punchline coming

I thought it was a good one, to be fair. 

[Filbert_Ross]

13 hours ago, Beliall said:

****s sake, i dont know whats worse, the joke or the fact i didnt see the punchline coming

Haha. Only read all that after your comment 🤣

[KingsX]

 

 

(if those were too small for you to read, count yourself lucky)

[Tinman]

I dropped my guts in a pub one night and some bloke said "how dare you fart in front of my wife" I replied "sorry, I didn't realize it was her turn"

[Wolfox]

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers.

"I wanna be Vivaldi," said Stallone.

"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.

"What about you, Arnie?" they asked...

[The Bear]

Erm.....? 

[davieG]

40 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Erm.....? 

[Wolfox]

40 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Erm.....? 

Come on…. What does Arnie like to say?

[The Bear]

Ah ok. 

 

Joke would have made more sense and been better set up if the other two both said "I'll be....."

Edited 6 February 2021 by The Bear

[Beliall]

4 hours ago, The Bear said:

Ah ok. 

 

Joke would have made more sense and been better set up if the other two both said "I'll be....."

makes enough sense if you have seen more than one of his films

[Filbert_Ross]

Had a job interview today, I filled up my glass of water until it overflowed a little. 
 

"Nervous ?" Asked the interviewer. 
 

"No" I said   "It's just that I always give 110 per cent " 

[Izzy]

I phoned the samaritans and said "I’m at the top of Beachy head and I'm about to toss myself off"

The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?"

I said "don't worry love, they'll probably think it's just bird shit".

[UpTheLeagueFox]

8 hours ago, Izzy said:

I phoned the samaritans and said "I’m at the top of Beachy head and I'm about to toss myself off"

The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?"

I said "don't worry love, they'll probably think it's just bird shit".

I wish I could like this more than once 

[Fightforever]

Boris Johnson. 

[Jon the Hat]

9 hours ago, Fightforever said:

Boris Johnson. 

Whatever your views on Boris Johnson I don't see how this funny.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My next door neighbour told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb

 

 

tasted ****ing horrible, still prefer custard personally 

[Wolfox]

I've started adding food to my magic act. I crush garlic, basil and pine nuts and then blend them with grated parmesan and olive oil, cover with a cloth, wave my wand, pull off the cloth, and HEY PESTO!

 

 

[worthosoriginals]

11 hours ago, Wolfox said:

I've started adding food to my magic act. I crush garlic, basil and pine nuts and then blend them with grated parmesan and olive oil, cover with a cloth, wave my wand, pull off the cloth, and HEY PESTO!

 

 

You spelt presto wrong. 

[jonthefox]

4 minutes ago, worthosoriginals said:

You spelt presto wrong. 

 

[worthosoriginals]

2 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

 

The irony 

[foxile5]

6 minutes ago, worthosoriginals said:

The irony 

Mrs does it usually. 

[worthosoriginals]

1 minute ago, foxile5 said:

Mrs does it usually. 

You spelt mum wrong. 

[Sydney_Blue]

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

 

Because he doesn't want to blow his cover 😎

[Webbo]

Somebody told me I was only average.

 

That's just mean.