The joke thread

[davieG]

1 minute ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My local council are proposing raising the council tax to pay for chewing gum removal. 
It’ll never get off the ground.

Aye it's a sticky proposition.

[Buce]

21 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My local council are proposing raising the council tax to pay for chewing gum removal. 
It’ll never get off the ground.

 

19 minutes ago, davieG said:

Aye it's a sticky proposition.

 

Why the defeatist atti-chewed?

[Blarmy]

10 hours ago, Buce said:

 

 

Why the defeatist atti-chewed?

There will be a great case against it but the council will still wrigleys out of it. 

[dsr-burnley]

13 hours ago, Blarmy said:

There will be a great case against it but the council will still wrigleys out of it. 

Is that mint to be funny?  Chews another subject.

Edited 16 April 2021 by dsr-burnley

[Blarmy]

1 hour ago, dsr-burnley said:

Is that mint to be funny?  Chews another subject.

You can stick that comment up your @!?&.

[Izzy]

A space craft landed in St Peter's Square. A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" 
"Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke".
A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" 
"Maybe he didn't like your beer?" suggested the alien. 
"Beer?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?" 
"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"

[Aus Fox]

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday, not going to lie, it was the hardest day of my life.

[slymunn]

Arsenal joining the Super League is like me walking into the Crucible and putting 50p on the table.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

Tottenham being in the Super league is like The Avengers Assembling and then asking Bananaman to join them

[cambridgefox]

Got home from work last night,sat on the bed and pulled my boxers off.

Then I thought,I really do spoil those dogs!

[Aus Fox]

My Mrs has been having a go at me lately saying I’ve become obsessed with becoming a detective and not spending time with her.

This morning she said “ I think we should split up”

I said “good idea, we’ll cover more ground that way”

[Aus Fox]

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym after work today. She didn’t show up.

This is when I knew we weren’t going to work out.

[Jon the Hat]

On 20/04/2021 at 14:54, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Tottenham being in the Super league is like The Avengers Assembling and then asking Bananaman to join them

I like you Geoff, but don't come on here and start having digs at Bananaman.  Its not on.

[Buce]

 

I just had a run-in with the Glasgow mafia.

 

They made me an offer I couldn't understand.

[Dr The Singh]

Derby County

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. 

We’ll see about that...

[Buce]

28 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. 

We’ll see about that...

 

My psychiatrist says I suffer with paranoid delusions.

 

Well, she didn't exactly say it but I knew what she was thinking.

[Buce]

 

I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendos but I accidentally came up with 11.

 

So I had to rub one out.

[Milo]

43 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendos but I accidentally came up with 11.

 

So I had to rub one out.

If you need another, I’d be happy to give you one...

[fuchsntf]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendos but I accidentally came up with 11.

 

So I had to rub one out.

Amazing what one thinks about, when Hiking/Trekking alone... Then re-collecting those thoughts yrs After when reclining back home..

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My mate was in shock the other day when he asked G4S for personal protection.  They put a flashing light and bell on his head.     He was alarmed.

[Gordon the Great]

On 21/04/2021 at 20:50, cambridgefox said:

Got home from work last night,sat on the bed and pulled my boxers off.

Then I thought,I really do spoil those dogs!

Now that is what I call a joke! Really tickled me!

[cambridgefox]

4 hours ago, Gordon the Great said:

Now that is what I call a joke! Really tickled me!

It did me too

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Been learning how to guess the weight of dogs.

Picked up a few pointers yesterday.

[Blarmy]

2 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Been learning how to guess the weight of dogs.

Picked up a few pointers yesterday.

No need to guess, weigh the furry bastards! I did something similar with lizards a few years back. Didn’t last long though - I didn’t have any scales.