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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Aus Fox

Aus Fox

Posted
Posted

My wife is massively into animal rights and was furious with me when I killed a honey bee, to ram her point home she made me sit there for an hour and eat honey, whilst I though about what I had done.

The next week she caught me killing a butterfly in the garden, and gave me the same punishments sit there for an hour eating butter whilst I thought about what I had done.

I thought about it long and hard and then placed 100 cockroaches in her car...

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 24/05/2021 at 09:11, Aus Fox said:

Met this German bloke in the pub last night, he reckoned he was the best mathematician in all of Europe. I said to him “prove it, can you tell me the square root of 81?”

He said “no”

 

Clever joke.

 

On 26/05/2021 at 10:54, Aus Fox said:

My wife is massively into animal rights and was furious with me when I killed a honey bee, to ram her point home she made me sit there for an hour and eat honey, whilst I though about what I had done.

The next week she caught me killing a butterfly in the garden, and gave me the same punishments sit there for an hour eating butter whilst I thought about what I had done.

I thought about it long and hard and then placed 100 cockroaches in her car...

 

Not so much :blink:

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Tinman

Tinman

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Only in ilkeston!…I swear!! drove into the asda garage to fill my car up (£60) I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing right there?! .. I minded my own business, filled up the car, and went to pay, I heard someone screaming!! I’m talking violent death screams! I looked round and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!!!! She was swinging her arm, running around and going nuts!! I got out of the car, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and put her in the police car. I was a bit shocked, couldn't believe they arrested her, surely she ought to be in an ambulance and not a police car?! Me being nosey as I am, asked the policeman what they were arresting her for. He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!!

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Tinman said:

Only in ilkeston!…I swear!! drove into the asda garage to fill my car up (£60) I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing right there?! .. I minded my own business, filled up the car, and went to pay, I heard someone screaming!! I’m talking violent death screams! I looked round and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!!!! She was swinging her arm, running around and going nuts!! I got out of the car, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and put her in the police car. I was a bit shocked, couldn't believe they arrested her, surely she ought to be in an ambulance and not a police car?! Me being nosey as I am, asked the policeman what they were arresting her for. He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!!

Seriously??

F... off:angry:

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Milo

Milo

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Posted

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman, "on a right angled triangle with sides x, y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?", and the barman says "y, the long face"

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The Bear

The Bear

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Milo said:

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman, "on a right angled triangle with sides x, y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?", and the barman says "y, the long face"

I like that. 

 

Technically should be "y, the hypotenuse" though.... Which isn't as funny. 

 

#buzzkillington

Edited by The Bear
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Izzy

Izzy

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The wife just told me she's leaving because of my obsession with Supermarkets.

 

I said "Would you like any help with your packing?"

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bovril

bovril

Posted
Posted
33 minutes ago, Izzy said:

The wife just told me she's leaving because of my obsession with Supermarkets.

 

I said "Would you like any help with your packing?"

I'm a big fan of the German section, but unfortunately yesterday they'd run out of sausages and cheese.  

 

It was the wurst kase scenario. 

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The Fox Covert

The Fox Covert

Posted
Posted

Brexit-supporting housewife walks into a butchers and asks for a pound of sausages. Butchers says to her that he is sorry, but he only sells kilos now.

Housewife replies 'All right then, I will have a pound of kilos'!

Ulster fry will  never be the same without the British banger.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

The wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Spanish football.

 

She said "Why don't you get a real hobby?" 

 

I said "FFS woman, It's pronounced Ray-al" 

 

:rolleyes:

 

 

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Izzy said:

The wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Spanish football.

 

She said "Why don't you get a real hobby?" 

 

I said "FFS woman, It's pronounced Ray-al" 

 

:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Does that mean you'll be a Barcaloner?

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Izzy said:

I Betis I will be, yeah

 

14 minutes ago, Aus Fox said:

You’ll never valen see ‘er again!

Unless you Huesca really nicely to come back.

 

*I feel I forced that one a little.

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tom27111

tom27111

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Facecloth said:

 

Unless you Huesca really nicely to come back.

 

*I feel I forced that one a little.

Ffs, I've been working on a Huesca pun all afternoon, come back on here and you've beaten me to it.

 

Should've come back Osasuna ;)

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