Buce Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Mrs Buce and I are having a difference of opinion, and I'd welcome some input: She has invited her brother and his new girlfriend for dinner this evening. He left his wife and three kids for her, a month or so ago; she left her husband and two kids. They had been having an affair for about six months. I've told the missus that I have no intention of being there, as it offends my sense of morality, and I don't want to be seen as condoning their behavior. She thinks I'm being unreasonable.
ScouseFox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 sounds like he's been a bit of a dick but he is your bro, so maybe get him in a headlock tell him he's been a dick give him a nuggie then move on edit oh wait he's her bro in which case she does the nuggying
Webbo Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 It would offend my morality too but family is family and your wife can't just cut off her brother. In my ,limited, experience it doesn't pay to take sides in these things. You've just got to suck it up, doesn't mean you have to like it though.
Captain... Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 It depends on a lot of things, if he was coming to dinner with her while she was still his mistress then I would agree, but just from your post I would suspect tht they both married the wrong person and were probably staying together for the sake of their kids, or just didn't know any better. Then when they found each other found "true love", and realised they had to be honest to each other and to their partners. Don't think for one minute they took that decision lightly breaking up a family is a huge thing, but once you realise you don't love someone any more it makes every day being with them miserable and every time they kiss you or tell you they love you, you feel horrible you respond as you always used to but it is fake and a lie. It doesn't seem like he has run off with a younger woman and it is just a midlife crisis or he is throwing it all away on a whim, I would give them the benefit of the doubt this time, see how they are together, and if you find yourself unable to tolerate him then next time you can say you don't want to be there, but you may see him happier than ever in a truly loving relationship and you may understand why/how it happened.
ADK Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 I don't see it a immoral. I don't like the idea that someone should be locked into a marriage.
MooseBreath Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 No offence, but it sounds like you're being quite childish. I don't agree with prolonged affairs while in a relationship myself but that doesn't mean I can't see why it might happen despite the participants best intentions. 50% of marriages end in divorce, shit happens, he's family, suck it up.
1993fox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 I personally agree with you. It's good to see there are still people in this world who have some sense of decency unlike posters above.
Mike Oxlong Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 The thing that would offend me most is not so much that they had each left their spouses but they had been at it for 6 months behind the backs of their partners. That said, I have regretted being so judgemental on others who have been in a similar situation as it has affected some good friendships. Being family, if her brother and his strumpet stay together you are at some point going to have to accept them as a couple or have a continuing issue with your own wife that at best will create tension and awkwardness and at worst may see you or her around the dinner table with a new partner in the future. I would make it clear to her that you really don't want to see her brother at the moment but that you will do so for her. A credit in the bank for you and harmony in your own relationship is the best outcome IMO.
Strokes Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 It's not your place to judge her family imo, although I agree it's disgusting behaviour.
Aus Fox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 I'm with you Bruce, I would make it clear what he has done is not ok. Sometimes you have to see their are consequences of all your actions and this is one he will have to live with.
ithuriel Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Do what you think is right, you know these people better than us and they did walk out on their obligations so they cant complain if you decide not to attend.
leicsmac Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Interesting one this, as can be seen by the varied responses. With something like this I think it all comes down to circumstance. I will say though; if one of my family engaged in something I found morally offensive they wouldn't get a free pass out of it purely because they're family.
1993fox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 It's not your place to judge her family imo, although I agree it's disgusting behaviour. Pretty sure I can judge someone for abandoning their obligations Soon enough liberals will start telling us not to judge pedophiles and zoophiles.
Kitchandro Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 You don't have to agree with what they did but you don't have to shun them either. Sometimes, good people do bad things. I think it really boils down to how how you feel about the brother in the first place. If one of my best friends did this, I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that I thought it was wrong, but they'd still be my friend, I'm not going to disown them because of it. It seems a bit unnecessary to make a point of avoiding them if what they did doesn't really affect you directly.
1993fox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 You don't have to agree with what they did but you don't have to shun them either. Sometimes, good people do bad things. I think it really boils down to how how you feel about the brother in the first place. If one of my best friends did this, I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that I thought it was wrong, but they'd still be my friend, I'm not going to disown them because of it. It seems a bit unnecessary to make a point of avoiding them if what they did doesn't really affect you directly. Ah, the "don't do anything if it doesn't affect you directly" approach. Bet you're the type of man who wouldn't tell a mate his missus is cheating on him, because "it doesn't affet you directly".
Mike Oxlong Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Ah, the "don't do anything if it doesn't affect you directly" approach. Bet you're the type of man who wouldn't tell a mate his missus is cheating on him, because "it doesn't affet you directly". Could be worse. He could be into prostitutes and tequila.
Bettsj2 Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 If you dont like it then dont be there. It's unreasonable of your wife to expect you to sit there and play nice nice if you dont approve of the actions. You're a grown man and can eat dinner with who you choose in your own home.
Kitchandro Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Ah, the "don't do anything if it doesn't affect you directly" approach. Bet you're the type of man who wouldn't tell a mate his missus is cheating on him, because "it doesn't affet you directly". Of course I would (though I'd ask her to tell him first) but he's my mate. Is he really close with the brothers ex?
leicsmac Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Pretty sure I can judge someone for abandoning their obligations Soon enough liberals will start telling us not to judge pedophiles and zoophiles. Ah, the "don't do anything if it doesn't affect you directly" approach. Bet you're the type of man who wouldn't tell a mate his missus is cheating on him, because "it doesn't affet you directly". Sorry, but the vast majority of morality isn't an absolute. It's just popular opinion, often codified centuries ago by guys writing in 'holy' texts. There's very few areas (some of which you've mentioned here) that are truly black and white. One persons moral compass is their own business - however, Buce did ask for an opinion here and it's interesting to see the various different ones given.
Alf Bentley Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 Their attitude to the families they've left would be the key factor for me. If they are actively attempting to look after the kids' feelings, maintain strong bonds of contact, provide financial support for the partner they've left.....I'd not feel entitled to judge them for cheating on their respective spouses and leaving them for someone else. None of us is in a position to judge the nature of other people's marriages and what might cause them to break down or make someone else irresistible. If, on the other hand, they've effectively abandoned their kids - or are making minimal effort - or are not intending to provide financial/practical support to their respective exes, then I'd feel morally obliged to express strong disapproval. I doubt that I'd shun them, but I would certainly want minimal contact with them for as long as that attitude persisted. A bit more difficult for your partner, as it's her brother. Again, if it was my brother, I'd feel compelled to express my disgust at the abandonment of the kids (not the spouse - marriages are often hard to sustain, even if no other potential partner comes along).
Captain... Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 The thing that would offend me most is not so much that they had each left their spouses but they had been at it for 6 months behind the backs of their partners. I think that also depends, obviously carrying on behind your wife's back is wrong, but if the 2 people in the original post did fall in love while they were married to other people then they wouldn't rush into breaking up their family. We don't know if they tried to reconcile things during this 6 month period or if they were trying to figure this out or if they were just leading a double life for 6 months. It is a tough call but without knowing more details it is hard to judge.
theessexfox Posted 6 April 2015 Posted 6 April 2015 People make mistakes, doesn't mean you have to be best buds with him or condone what he did but you can have a nice roast with him.
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