Morality question.

[Rincewind]

What were the marriages like before the break ups? How old are they? Is it a mid life crisis? If they were in unhappy marriages then in time they will be forgotten. After six months it is too soon to know if this relationship will last. It could end up with divorces and a new sister in law for the next 20 years so voice your disapproval and then try to get on for the sake of your own relationship.

[CKB]

People make mistakes, doesn't mean you have to be best buds with him or condone what he did but you can have a nice roast with him.

Exactly, it's all about the food in the end!

[sphericalfox]

People make mistakes, doesn't mean you have to be best buds with him or condone what he did but you can have a nice roast with him.

 

[CKB]

Can't beat a good roast....

[Buce]

Thanks for all the replies: I'm using my phone, so I can't multi-quote, but I'll try to deal with all your points in one post; apologies if I miss anything.

To those who support my stance: Thank you. Call me old-fashioned, but words like honour and integrity are central to who I am.

To those who say he's family: So are my nieces and nephew, not to mention the woman who I've known for 15 years, who is, and will remain, my sister-in-law. How would I explain my perfidy to them?

To those who suggest it would endanger my own relationship: It is as I said, a difference of opinion, nothing more; Mrs Buce and I are soul mates and emotionally mature adults. What's really grinding my gears is that she shares my sense of morality; she's accepting the new woman at her parents' behest. Even more annoying is that my stance was their initial reaction too, but they sold their soul for the price of a weekend in New York, paid for by the new woman. My soul isn't for sale.

To those that question the marriage etc: Two years ago, the brother-in-law lost his job for embezzling £30k from his employers: not only did his wife stand by him, but she took out a second mortgage to pay the money back and keep him out of prison. He paid her back by using his unemployed free time to start an affair. What about loyalty and gratitude? She, of course, is stuck with the repayments, and the upkeep of the kids.

Finally, Moose: No oftence taken - I asked for opinions, you gave yours. As usual, we disagree, but I always take that as a validation of my position. No offence.

[Soar Fox]

He sounds like a bit of a d!ck to be honest. wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to sit down and play happy families with him.

Know doubt they won't stay together for very long anyway.

[ozleicester]

perhaps they are in love and escaping cruel previous relationships.

[Vacamion]

Thanks for all the replies: I'm using my phone, so I can't multi-quote, but I'll try to deal with all your points in one post; apologies if I miss anything.

To those who support my stance: Thank you. Call me old-fashioned, but words like honour and integrity are central to who I am.

To those who say he's family: So are my nieces and nephew, not to mention the woman who I've known for 15 years, who is, and will remain, my sister-in-law. How would I explain my perfidy to them?

To those who suggest it would endanger my own relationship: It is as I said, a difference of opinion, nothing more; Mrs Buce and I are soul mates and emotionally mature adults. What's really grinding my gears is that she shares my sense of morality; she's accepting the new woman at her parents' behest. Even more annoying is that my stance was their initial reaction too, but they sold their soul for the price of a weekend in New York, paid for by the new woman. My soul isn't for sale.

To those that question the marriage etc: Two years ago, the brother-in-law lost his job for embezzling £30k from his employers: not only did his wife stand by him, but she took out a second mortgage to pay the money back and keep him out of prison. He paid her back by using his unemployed free time to start an affair. What about loyalty and gratitude? She, of course, is stuck with the repayments, and the upkeep of the kids.

Finally, Moose: No oftence taken - I asked for opinions, you gave yours. As usual, we disagree, but I always take that as a validation of my position. No offence.

Relatives can be dicks, but at the end of the day they are still relatives.

I sympathize with your position and agree that it would be difficult to welcome the guy with open arms in these circumstances.

Maybe you could accede to your wife's wishes but whilst they are there remain detached and throw in the odd passive aggressive conversational bomb to make it fairly clear (but not overt) that you disapprove... That would be the truly British way.

[bovril]

This has got to be the weirdest day on gen chat ever.

[Alf Bentley]

To those who say he's family: So are my nieces and nephew, not to mention the woman who I've known for 15 years, who is, and will remain, my sister-in-law. How would I explain my perfidy to them?

To those who suggest it would endanger my own relationship: It is as I said, a difference of opinion, nothing more; Mrs Buce and I are soul mates and emotionally mature adults. What's really grinding my gears is that she shares my sense of morality; she's accepting the new woman at her parents' behest. Even more annoying is that my stance was their initial reaction too, but they sold their soul for the price of a weekend in New York, paid for by the new woman. My soul isn't for sale.

To those that question the marriage etc: Two years ago, the brother-in-law lost his job for embezzling £30k from his employers: not only did his wife stand by him, but she took out a second mortgage to pay the money back and keep him out of prison. He paid her back by using his unemployed free time to start an affair. What about loyalty and gratitude? She, of course, is stuck with the repayments, and the upkeep of the kids.

 

 

You're winning me over to your stance, particularly with that last paragraph. I'm afraid your brother-in-law sounds like a horrible, selfish bloke...on the face of it.

 

It doesn't say much for your parents-in-law, either, if they really have been won over by a gift from the new woman  - though maybe they're just going along with it because they don't want to risk a rift with their son?

 

I don't see why the split should necessarily endanger your relationship with your nephews, nieces and your partner's sister-in-law, though. Presumably, the abandoned wife will want her children to maintain a relationship with their aunt and uncle, won't she? Though, I suppose that's another argument for not being unconditionally welcoming to the new loving couple....it could turn relations between your partner and her sister-in-law very frosty and endanger her continued contact with the kids...

[Buce]

You're winning me over to your stance, particularly with that last paragraph. I'm afraid your brother-in-law sounds like a horrible, selfish bloke...on the face of it.

It doesn't say much for your parents-in-law, either, if they really have been won over by a gift from the new woman - though maybe they're just going along with it because they don't want to risk a rift with their son?

I don't see why the split should necessarily endanger your relationship with your nephews, nieces and your partner's sister-in-law, though. Presumably, the abandoned wife will want her children to maintain a relationship with their aunt and uncle, won't she? Though, I suppose that's another argument for not being unconditionally welcoming to the new loving couple....it could turn relations between your partner and her sister-in-law very frosty and endanger her continued contact with the kids...

It's not so much about endandering my relationship with the neices/nephew/SIL, Alf, it's about being able to look them in the face, with them knowing that I've broken bread with the people who have torn their lives apart. I can't be that faithless.

[Brenfox]

It would offend my morality too but family is family and your wife can't just cut off her brother. In my ,limited, experience it doesn't pay to take sides in these things. You've just got to suck it up, doesn't mean you have to like it though.

Bang on the money there.

[Alf Bentley]

It's not so much about endandering my relationship with the neices/nephew/SIL, Alf, it's about being able to look them in the face, with them knowing that I've broken bread with the people who have torn their lives apart. I can't be that faithless.

 

Hmmm! I do see your point, but would your sister-in-law expect your partner to break off all contact with her own brother because of his conduct? I appreciate that your own connection to him isn't quite so close, but even so....

 

To my mind, there's a big difference between (1) breaking bread with them and carrying on as if nothing has happened; and (2) expressing your disapproval if he/they leave your sister-in-law and the kids in the shit, but maintaining some degree of contact, even if it isn't as warm as before. The latter could even be combined with an explanation to your sister-in-law, and meaningful gestures of support (offers to give her a break by looking after the nephews/nieces for a weekend or whatever)....

 

I have a slightly similar encounter myself in a few weeks time - meeting up with the ex-wife of my deceased best mate for the first time since his funeral 2 years ago. They split acrimoniously (no third parties involved) in the 90s, partly because of changes in her attitude and partly because he was hitting the booze and behaving unreasonably. He stayed in regular contact with me but she did not (I got on well with her, but he was my main friend). He treated her very badly in terms of child support, though she did move to a different part of the country - and it was partly due to his horrendous alcoholism, which ultimately killed him. I did express some disapproval to him, but probably not as much as I should have done, with hindsight. Two years ago, I met her again for the first time in about 15 years, to clear his flat out after he had died and to help with arranging his funeral. I'm inclined to apologise to her for not having tried a bit harder to influence his conduct, though we both know that he'd have probably taken no notice of me, anyway.

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

Mrs Buce and I are having a difference of opinion, and I'd welcome some input:

She has invited her brother and his new girlfriend for dinner this evening. He left his wife and three kids for her, a month or so ago; she left her husband and two kids. They had been having an affair for about six months.

I've told the missus that I have no intention of being there, as it offends my sense of morality, and I don't want to be seen as condoning their behavior. She thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I agree with you completely. Always stand by your views, and if that is how you feel, then stick with them. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs, but when there are children involved, I could not condone the affair.

 

Far better to not be there, than to create an unpleasant atmosphere, and possibly an argument.

 

I hope your wife can understand your viewpoint, as it is extremely valid.

[Merging Cultures]

I'm with you. I've been through similar with my family. Life would have been much easier if people didn't have affairs and others condoned it by acting like nothing happened.

[theessexfox]

In light of new evidence, I would change my stance to have a roast (dinner) with him and pour gravy on him, or something of the sort. 

[ousefox]

I wouldn't be that keen, more because of his other actions rather than just the affair.

[DB11]

I read the OP and thought I agree with you. Then I read this post and re-evaluated my opinion and changed my mind.

It depends on a lot of things, if he was coming to dinner with her while she was still his mistress then I would agree, but just from your post I would suspect tht they both married the wrong person and were probably staying together for the sake of their kids, or just didn't know any better. Then when they found each other found "true love", and realised they had to be honest to each other and to their partners.

Don't think for one minute they took that decision lightly breaking up a family is a huge thing, but once you realise you don't love someone any more it makes every day being with them miserable and every time they kiss you or tell you they love you, you feel horrible you respond as you always used to but it is fake and a lie.

It doesn't seem like he has run off with a younger woman and it is just a midlife crisis or he is throwing it all away on a whim, I would give them the benefit of the doubt this time, see how they are together, and if you find yourself unable to tolerate him then next time you can say you don't want to be there, but you may see him happier than ever in a truly loving relationship and you may understand why/how it happened.

[DB11]

Thanks for all the replies: I'm using my phone, so I can't multi-quote, but I'll try to deal with all your points in one post; apologies if I miss anything.

To those who support my stance: Thank you. Call me old-fashioned, but words like honour and integrity are central to who I am.

To those who say he's family: So are my nieces and nephew, not to mention the woman who I've known for 15 years, who is, and will remain, my sister-in-law. How would I explain my perfidy to them?

To those who suggest it would endanger my own relationship: It is as I said, a difference of opinion, nothing more; Mrs Buce and I are soul mates and emotionally mature adults. What's really grinding my gears is that she shares my sense of morality; she's accepting the new woman at her parents' behest. Even more annoying is that my stance was their initial reaction too, but they sold their soul for the price of a weekend in New York, paid for by the new woman. My soul isn't for sale.

To those that question the marriage etc: Two years ago, the brother-in-law lost his job for embezzling £30k from his employers: not only did his wife stand by him, but she took out a second mortgage to pay the money back and keep him out of prison. He paid her back by using his unemployed free time to start an affair. What about loyalty and gratitude? She, of course, is stuck with the repayments, and the upkeep of the kids.

Finally, Moose: No oftence taken - I asked for opinions, you gave yours. As usual, we disagree, but I always take that as a validation of my position. No offence.

Then I changed my mind again and agree with my initial gut feeling

[MPH]

I'd probably do the same..... Adults are adults but it burns me up when they bring children into this and they get messed up.

 

 

 

 

I'd probably say to my wife, yeah ok i'll be there but i'll give him a piece of my mind when i see him.

 

 

 

I don't give a crap about what he does... thats upto him.... But can you imagine what their children are thinking right now?

[Webbo]

The thing is, what if they get back together again? Once things have been said they can't be unsaid. Would the children involved like it if they thought you hated their dad?

 

Your wife is in a terrible position. I'm sure she'd appreciate your support, even if only through gritted teeth.

[MPH]

The thing is, what if they get back together again? Once things have been said they can't be unsaid. Would the children involved like it if they thought you hated their dad?

 

Your wife is in a terrible position. I'm sure she'd appreciate your support, even if only through gritted teeth.

 

 

 

 

 

I would just explain to them that there is a difference between hating what someone has done and hating the person thats done it.

 

 

 

I would be ok with 'making a stand' the one time and then letting them know what i have said what i want to say and now you know how i feel. Just because you completely disagree with something someone has done doesnt mean you hate them and that all bridges are burnt

[MPH]

Mrs Buce and I are having a difference of opinion, and I'd welcome some input:

She has invited her brother and his new girlfriend for dinner this evening. He left his wife and three kids for her, a month or so ago; she left her husband and two kids. They had been having an affair for about six months.

I've told the missus that I have no intention of being there, as it offends my sense of morality, and I don't want to be seen as condoning their behavior. She thinks I'm being unreasonable.

 

 

 

Haviing thought about it....

 

 

You could actually try calling him before the evening in question ( please don't text him) and just explain look you really don't agree with how he went about it all and are concerned about how it has affected  the kids, ect and then just tell him disliking what someone has done is different to disliking the person. and that you'll see him at the meal.

 

 

That way everyone knows how you feel, yet it won't cause a division between you and your wife.

 

 

 

 

You have to ask yourself the question.... Whats more important... You making a show of not being there or a more harmonious relationship between you and your wife?

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

But seriously, no if you're not going to be comfortable being there, do what the hell you want. I don't think I'd be any good at burying it under the carpet, would probably end up saying something and making for a very awkward evening and then getting an earful when the adulterers had left.

[Finnegan]

No offence, but it sounds like you're being quite childish. I don't agree with prolonged affairs while in a relationship myself but that doesn't mean I can't see why it might happen despite the participants best intentions. 50% of marriages end in divorce, shit happens, he's family, suck it up.

 

 

This. Probably the most sensible thing you've ever posted.

 

Without knowing more of their situation it's really hard to judge, I don't know what they've been through and/or how hard it was. If he was bringing his mistress round that'd be massively different but he isn't.