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at rock bottom.. always on FT but rarely post.

at a point of no return with no one to talk to.

 

for the past 12 months ive been battling my worst demons and losing. 

i was adopted at 4 years old following circumstances way to deep to go into.. i was seperated from my 3 older sisters and adopted by 2 loving parents. i no longer speak to my parents as they dont agree with the age gap with my Mrs being 12 years older, so unfortunately i have no contact with my parents, or siblings who i have lost contact with over the years (i choose not to have social media as it brings its own problems) and having moved from the sticks to the city i really have no friends, i have no one other than my Mrs and my 3 children to talk to.

 

i coukd write a book with my thoughts and emotions but speaking them in words is impossible. ive never dealt with any underlying problems and just try to hide everything and remain a rock for my family. and away from the fascade of being happy began to gamble and take drugs to curve the effect of reality. im lost, out of control and falling down way to quick. for a year ive hid everything from my Mrs through fear of losing everything i have. 

 

this week, specifically today has been the worst, my agency is no longer required at the factory.. work being my only escape from life.. 8 hours of structured routine, i also fessed up to gambling and drugs so everythings in the open, im currently on antidepressants that honestky feels like its more of a hinderence, on top of all that i was scheduled a phone appointment with the well being nhs service in beaumont leys today that was cancelled.

 

only in the last month or so have i thought to myself that its all to much, the pressure of being what everyone expects is too high, i try to please everyone around me and never dealt with myself.. i feel im more of a burden to my family right now, i wish id dealt with my problems much sooner but its always easier not too.. if i had anyone else, literally anybody else to talk to, i would not be posting on here.. just writing the above down has been overwhelming for myself

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21 minutes ago, Lester.14 said:

at rock bottom.. always on FT but rarely post.

at a point of no return with no one to talk to.

 

for the past 12 months ive been battling my worst demons and losing. 

i was adopted at 4 years old following circumstances way to deep to go into.. i was seperated from my 3 older sisters and adopted by 2 loving parents. i no longer speak to my parents as they dont agree with the age gap with my Mrs being 12 years older, so unfortunately i have no contact with my parents, or siblings who i have lost contact with over the years (i choose not to have social media as it brings its own problems) and having moved from the sticks to the city i really have no friends, i have no one other than my Mrs and my 3 children to talk to.

 

i coukd write a book with my thoughts and emotions but speaking them in words is impossible. ive never dealt with any underlying problems and just try to hide everything and remain a rock for my family. and away from the fascade of being happy began to gamble and take drugs to curve the effect of reality. im lost, out of control and falling down way to quick. for a year ive hid everything from my Mrs through fear of losing everything i have. 

 

this week, specifically today has been the worst, my agency is no longer required at the factory.. work being my only escape from life.. 8 hours of structured routine, i also fessed up to gambling and drugs so everythings in the open, im currently on antidepressants that honestky feels like its more of a hinderence, on top of all that i was scheduled a phone appointment with the well being nhs service in beaumont leys today that was cancelled.

 

only in the last month or so have i thought to myself that its all to much, the pressure of being what everyone expects is too high, i try to please everyone around me and never dealt with myself.. i feel im more of a burden to my family right now, i wish id dealt with my problems much sooner but its always easier not too.. if i had anyone else, literally anybody else to talk to, i would not be posting on here.. just writing the above down has been overwhelming for myself

Please don't feel alone, we're all here for you to talk to. About anything, too, it doesn't always have to be about feelings. Just know that we're here, and many of us have felt like you do now, so we understand 

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Just now, FoxesDeb said:

Please don't feel alone, we're all here for you to talk to. About anything, too, it doesn't always have to be about feelings. Just know that we're here, and many of us have felt like you do now, so we understand 

thank you, that alone feels special and means a lot. i know you understand, and theres many people who have felt this way, which is why ive posted here. without fear of judgement or repurcussions. i appreciate the time youve taken to read and respond, it means more than you could believe

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13 minutes ago, Lester.14 said:

thank you, that alone feels special and means a lot. i know you understand, and theres many people who have felt this way, which is why ive posted here. without fear of judgement or repurcussions. i appreciate the time youve taken to read and respond, it means more than you could believe

Have you got options with work? Will your agency find you somewhere else? Hopefully your phone appointment will be rearranged, it goes hand in hand with the anti depressants. 

Can you take some time to focus on yourself? Go for a walk or just do something you enjoy, that's just for you. Spend some one on one time with your children and try to remember what's important. Little things can go a long way to reminding us who we are, and remember. Your family love you, you are definitely not a burden. 

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31 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Well done for posting this mate. It takes a lot of guts and courage to put it all out there.

 

I remember someone posting something similar a while back about keeping everything from their Mrs. Eventually they explained everything and their Mrs was brilliant about it and fully supportive. They wished they'd opened up sooner and were so relieved they eventually did. 

 

The bit about trying to please everyone else and not dealing with yourself is another common theme on this thread. If you think you've hit rock bottom then the only way is up now, so maybe recent events is the trigger to finally hold your hands up, surrender to your problems and ask for help. This is a sign of strength not weakness and the start of the road to recovery.

 

Just because your phone appointment was cancelled, don't give up - make another one. You need to talk to someone and there's plenty of help out there these days. Bottling it all up and hoping it goes away never works.

 

It sounds like you've also got some stuff from the past that you may have suppressed and not dealt with. I know that when I had my therapy we went deep into my past to uncover my inner demons. It was hard work and emotional but I felt liberated after talking it all through. 

 

Although you say you've got no friends, always remember that you've got many friends on here. There's some diamonds on this thread who will happily DM you and offer a chat or a meet up for a drink.

 

You're not alone mate. You're part of this big fvcked up world that we're all struggling to navigate day by day.

 

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, keep posting, get help and talk about it.

 

31 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

Have you got options with work? Will your agency find you somewhere else? Hopefully your phone appointment will be rearranged, it goes hand in hand with the anti depressants. 

Can you take some time to focus on yourself? Go for a walk or just do something you enjoy, that's just for you. Spend some one on one time with your children and try to remember what's important. Little things can go a long way to reminding us who we are, and remember. Your family love you, you are definitely not a burden. 

it honestly means so much that either of you have replied. to take time out of your day to respond to me is just something i wouldnt believe would happen, especially as im not a regular poster. Thank you

 

Izzy your a blessing to this forum, and i really appreciate your words. im very vague and honestly wish i wasnt, the above is much more than i thought i would write when i started. i was actually relieved to recieve a phone call saying my phone appointment is off, how can i put across anything to a stranger on the phone, im quite anxious about that. face to face is easier but even when i attended the doctors i made out things are better than they are. im not sure what i expected through posting but thank you so much for your response.

 

FoxesDeb - ive rearranged my phone appointment for Monday but after initially being relieved of the cancelation, upon reflection im concerned about waiting till Monday. in terms of work, im in a position where if im not working by next week i put my family at significant risk of being evicted. im going to do everything i can to sort that as my number 1 priority. also, ive done a fair bit of factory and call center work so hopefully i will find something. my family dont deserve to be in this situation on top of everything i myself have forced upon them. again, i cant stress enough how much i appreciate the time youve taken, thank you so much

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5 minutes ago, Lester.14 said:

 

it honestly means so much that either of you have replied. to take time out of your day to respond to me is just something i wouldnt believe would happen, especially as im not a regular poster. Thank you

 

Izzy your a blessing to this forum, and i really appreciate your words. im very vague and honestly wish i wasnt, the above is much more than i thought i would write when i started. i was actually relieved to recieve a phone call saying my phone appointment is off, how can i put across anything to a stranger on the phone, im quite anxious about that. face to face is easier but even when i attended the doctors i made out things are better than they are. im not sure what i expected through posting but thank you so much for your response.

 

FoxesDeb - ive rearranged my phone appointment for Monday but after initially being relieved of the cancelation, upon reflection im concerned about waiting till Monday. in terms of work, im in a position where if im not working by next week i put my family at significant risk of being evicted. im going to do everything i can to sort that as my number 1 priority. also, ive done a fair bit of factory and call center work so hopefully i will find something. my family dont deserve to be in this situation on top of everything i myself have forced upon them. again, i cant stress enough how much i appreciate the time youve taken, thank you so much

Bless you mate.

 

Just focus on what's right in front of you. It can feel overwhelming when it seems like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. 

 

One thing at a time, baby steps. If you prefer face to face then maybe go back to your Doctor and tell them the truth. They'll think none the worse of you and will be glad you opened up to them. If you tell them exactly what's happening, they can then give you the best care, treatment and advice. Not being totally honest has got you into the place you're in now. It's not working for you.

 

I understand your anxiety about putting things across to a stranger on the phone but remember they're just like the posters on this thread. They won't judge you and they'll genuinely want to help and support you. It's what they're trained to do and they get great joy and reward from helping others.

 

Let people help you.

 

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1 hour ago, Lester.14 said:

at rock bottom.. always on FT but rarely post.

at a point of no return with no one to talk to.

 

for the past 12 months ive been battling my worst demons and losing. 

i was adopted at 4 years old following circumstances way to deep to go into.. i was seperated from my 3 older sisters and adopted by 2 loving parents. i no longer speak to my parents as they dont agree with the age gap with my Mrs being 12 years older, so unfortunately i have no contact with my parents, or siblings who i have lost contact with over the years (i choose not to have social media as it brings its own problems) and having moved from the sticks to the city i really have no friends, i have no one other than my Mrs and my 3 children to talk to.

 

i coukd write a book with my thoughts and emotions but speaking them in words is impossible. ive never dealt with any underlying problems and just try to hide everything and remain a rock for my family. and away from the fascade of being happy began to gamble and take drugs to curve the effect of reality. im lost, out of control and falling down way to quick. for a year ive hid everything from my Mrs through fear of losing everything i have. 

 

this week, specifically today has been the worst, my agency is no longer required at the factory.. work being my only escape from life.. 8 hours of structured routine, i also fessed up to gambling and drugs so everythings in the open, im currently on antidepressants that honestky feels like its more of a hinderence, on top of all that i was scheduled a phone appointment with the well being nhs service in beaumont leys today that was cancelled.

 

only in the last month or so have i thought to myself that its all to much, the pressure of being what everyone expects is too high, i try to please everyone around me and never dealt with myself.. i feel im more of a burden to my family right now, i wish id dealt with my problems much sooner but its always easier not too.. if i had anyone else, literally anybody else to talk to, i would not be posting on here.. just writing the above down has been overwhelming for myself

You're a big man, well done for opening up. That's strength, that's courage, that's hope. 

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10 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

You're a big man, well done for opening up. That's strength, that's courage, that's hope. 

your the man, thank you for replying. your all amazing and for once in a very long time i feel like im being heard! thank you

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19 hours ago, spacemunky said:

One of the main issues I had to deal with when I did counselling was something I was beating myself up over. I was resigned to the fact that this was just how it was going to be from now on.

 

My counsellor asked me if I had killed someone. I paused and I think I laughed and said "no". She then said we can deal with it.

 

Now I can't say it as well as she did, but basically we talked about the particular problem and she told me to forgive myself in order to move forward. Just going over something in your head over and over is pointless and doesn't change a thing. 

 

Now I could have just said that I was fine and all is fixed, but she made me say it over and over, "I forgive myself".

 

Again, I can't explain it like she did and I'm probably making it sound a bit corny. In the end you have to move forward and if your going in circles in your head you can't do that until you clear it up.

 

Friends and family of course said "Don't beat yourself up over it", like people close to you do. But, I had to look at it and realize I had done the best I could at that time. There was no point in wishing I could go back and have a "do over". 

 

We all have things we've done and wished we could have done differently, but you can't  keep going backwards. Eventually you have to come to the conclusion that we all make mistakes or poor choices in our lives. Learn from those, start a new day with a new slate.

 

One of my favourite bands The Tragically Hip, have a song called "Ahead by a Century". There's a line in the song that where he says there's "No dress rehearsal, this is our life". 

 

14 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

You sound to me like someone who sets high standards for themselves and for that you should be commended.  It is, however, inevitable that there will be times when you do not attain those standards.  It's OK to be dissatisfied with yourself and aim to do better next time but you don't have to give yourself a lifetimes punishment for each 'offence'.

 

Please try to put the issues that you're focusing on into perspective.  Imagine if a friend confessed to you that they had experienced the same 'failings' that you've been troubled by.  Would you tell them that they could never be forgiven and they must suffer for these events for the rest of their lives?  Of course not, you would see them for what they are, minor issues in the grand scheme of things.  You would forgive them their little 'failings' and see the big picture as to who they are and the standards they hold dear.  So you can do the same thing to yourself.

 

We all have dark times when that evil little critic in our head tells us that we're useless, worthless or any other adjective designed to crush our self-esteem.  For those who are depressed, it's difficult to turn off but for the majority it's something that goes away when we feel more positive.  I think that you already recognise this.  Accept it as part of life in the knowledge that it is temporary only.

Thanks both for taking the time to give me your thoughts, really do appreciate it. 

 

I do realise that I need to forgive myself, which you both said. Crinkly your sentence about a "lifetime offence" really hit home for me. Also the follow up about if I was the person being confided in by a friend. I would say to them that everyone makes mistakes, it's in the past and you've just got to learn from it and move forward. You can't spend life looking back at past mistakes and letting them impact your future. 

 

I need to forgive myself in the way I would forgive someone else. 

 

After I wrote it I definitely woke up feeling more positive, it is cliche but weight was definitely lifted last night. It helped no end, more than I could've anticipated. I am a "bottle upper" by nature, I do find it uncomfortable talking about my feelings or troubles in life. This is one of only two occasions that I can remember actually putting into words how I really feel when I'm not doing so great. 

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4 hours ago, Lester.14 said:

at rock bottom.. always on FT but rarely post.

at a point of no return with no one to talk to.

 

for the past 12 months ive been battling my worst demons and losing. 

i was adopted at 4 years old following circumstances way to deep to go into.. i was seperated from my 3 older sisters and adopted by 2 loving parents. i no longer speak to my parents as they dont agree with the age gap with my Mrs being 12 years older, so unfortunately i have no contact with my parents, or siblings who i have lost contact with over the years (i choose not to have social media as it brings its own problems) and having moved from the sticks to the city i really have no friends, i have no one other than my Mrs and my 3 children to talk to.

 

i coukd write a book with my thoughts and emotions but speaking them in words is impossible. ive never dealt with any underlying problems and just try to hide everything and remain a rock for my family. and away from the fascade of being happy began to gamble and take drugs to curve the effect of reality. im lost, out of control and falling down way to quick. for a year ive hid everything from my Mrs through fear of losing everything i have. 

 

this week, specifically today has been the worst, my agency is no longer required at the factory.. work being my only escape from life.. 8 hours of structured routine, i also fessed up to gambling and drugs so everythings in the open, im currently on antidepressants that honestky feels like its more of a hinderence, on top of all that i was scheduled a phone appointment with the well being nhs service in beaumont leys today that was cancelled.

 

only in the last month or so have i thought to myself that its all to much, the pressure of being what everyone expects is too high, i try to please everyone around me and never dealt with myself.. i feel im more of a burden to my family right now, i wish id dealt with my problems much sooner but its always easier not too.. if i had anyone else, literally anybody else to talk to, i would not be posting on here.. just writing the above down has been overwhelming for myself

I can't add much more but I would reiterate that you've shown amazing courage just to open up on here, it's a step in the right direction. You're never a burden, this is so so important to remember! You have a relationship with your good lady and you've brought up, what I'm sure are three wonderful children, for that you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like you've done it against the odds as well which shows that you're a lot stronger than you think you are.

 

And I echo what @Izzy said, make another appointment, there's a reason it was cancelled and it was nothing to do with you. Having somebody to talk to will help!

 

This forum is always going to be here so feel free to just type your thoughts out whenever you need to, it really helps to get them down somewhere, let alone in a place where others who have felt the same way lurk. 

 

It gets better!

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9 hours ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

I need to forgive myself in the way I would forgive someone else. 

 

After I wrote it I definitely woke up feeling more positive, it is cliche but weight was definitely lifted last night.

This is a timely reminder to me, and probably all of us - you'll need to keep forgiving yourself, doing it once won't cure you. I'm a lot better than once I was, but none of us is perfect or the finished article, and I still punish myself for others' neglect/abuse.

 

It's fantastic that you felt better - without wishing to ruin that wonderful sensation, try to remember what you did in case you find yourself in a similar spot again in the future. No set of feelings are permanent, and (sadly) you will probably have a dip at various points. Do your best to be open when it comes, and please use this resource - by doing so, it isn't taking, you add to all of us

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11 hours ago, Buce said:

 

If I may be blunt, my friend, in my experience that's something you really need to avoid. GPs are not the best at reading between the lines and tend to take what you tell them at face value and then act accordingly. They tend to lean towards prescribing antidepressants as a first response anyway and, to be blunt again, I would suggest you need a deeper level of intervention than that. If you find the idea of speaking on the phone to be too overwhelming, I suggest returning to your GP and being completely frank about how you are feeling.

 

And please talk to us on here if it helps at all; none of us are doctors but most of us have something that most doctors don't have - first hand experience of what you are suffering. Depression feels like a lonely illness but although our problems are unique to each us, the way it makes you feel is all too common. My heart goes out to you, bro - depression is a horrible, pernicious illness, but illness it is. You're not mad. You're not bad. You're not useless or a burden. In fact, you are none of the things that you're telling yourself you are - you are just ill. And the good news is you will get better. That's a promise.

Buce, i see your posts all the time, along with Izzy.. if you stopped me in the street and asked me to name any posters i know on FT i would say Izzy very quickly followed by Buce.. FTFamous ;)

i honestly didnt think id recieve any replies, especially as im not a regular.. the fact that, and this goes to anyone thats replied to me, you have taken time from your own day to help a stranger was just inconcievable to me.. i honestly thought no one would reply.. but writing it all out there helped anyway.. i played it down at the doctors, which i regret, but in my head i view that as minor compared to the feeling i get when i think about opening up to a therapist, theres a lot that although i need to deal with regarding my past, its not a can of worms im keen on opening.. regarding the circumstances leading to my adoption, i witnessed things that adukts coukdnt comprehend, let alone a 3 year old child. im very scared about being made to re live those experiences through the help of a therapist

 

 

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10 minutes ago, Lester.14 said:

Buce, i see your posts all the time, along with Izzy.. if you stopped me in the street and asked me to name any posters i know on FT i would say Izzy very quickly followed by Buce.. FTFamous ;)

i honestly didnt think id recieve any replies, especially as im not a regular.. the fact that, and this goes to anyone thats replied to me, you have taken time from your own day to help a stranger was just inconcievable to me.. i honestly thought no one would reply.. but writing it all out there helped anyway.. i played it down at the doctors, which i regret, but in my head i view that as minor compared to the feeling i get when i think about opening up to a therapist, theres a lot that although i need to deal with regarding my past, its not a can of worms im keen on opening.. regarding the circumstances leading to my adoption, i witnessed things that adukts coukdnt comprehend, let alone a 3 year old child. im very scared about being made to re live those experiences through the help of a therapist

 

 

 

That's kind of you, bro, but I think most would say I'm FT infamous... lol

 

Regarding your second paragraph, there are others on here better qualified to speak about therapy than me - and I'm sure they'll be happy to do so - but for what it's worth, my take on it is that that can of worms is already open, you're just suppressing it. But it's there all the time, even if you're not consciously thinking about it, and it's often unresolved issues like that which are the root cause of depression. I've no doubt it might be painful to revisit, but you're living with pain anyway - therapy offers the chance that one day you could be pain free.

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15 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

That's kind of you, bro, but I think most would say I'm FT infamous... lol

 

Regarding your second paragraph, there are others on here better qualified to speak about therapy than me - and I'm sure they'll be happy to do so - but for what it's worth, my take on it is that that can of worms is already open, you're just suppressing it. But it's there all the time, even if you're not consciously thinking about it, and it's often unresolved issues like that which are the root cause of depression. I've no doubt it might be painful to revisit, but you're living with pain anyway - therapy offers the chance that one day you could be pain free.

To add to these wise words @Lester.14, I've had a lot of therapy and it saved me. I have 2 younger relatives who DESPERATELY need therapy and are scared of what it might open up - in the mean time, they are doing themselves terrible damage in their own ways.

 

Yes, it can be painful at times, and it requires commitment and trust, and indeed the right therapist, but the benefits of therapy are incomparable.

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Just now, HighPeakFox said:

To add to these wise words @Lester.14, I've had a lot of therapy and it saved me. I have 2 younger relatives who DESPERATELY need therapy and are scared of what it might open up - in the mean time, they are doing themselves terrible damage in their own ways.

 

Yes, it can be painful at times, and it requires commitment and trust, and indeed the right therapist, but the benefits of therapy are incomparable.

to recieve the help of a therapisg, do i just go down the normal avenues of talking to my doctor? 

when you say "the right therapist" is that not just automatically asigned? i just talk to whoever is at work that day? 

im at a stage where i can admit to myself that im in NEED of help, but honestly cant imagine how i can relay that to the official people.

i have irrational thoughts that i KNOW are untrue for example, i believe a therapist or the doctor, there just at work trying to get through the day, they dont trully want to help. unlike all you AMAZING people who are responding for free out the kindness of your hearts. like i say i know that is irrational and they will try to help, but untill the point of actually recieving the real help im just one of many names on a screen during their working day

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8 minutes ago, Lester.14 said:

to recieve the help of a therapisg, do i just go down the normal avenues of talking to my doctor? 

when you say "the right therapist" is that not just automatically asigned? i just talk to whoever is at work that day? 

im at a stage where i can admit to myself that im in NEED of help, but honestly cant imagine how i can relay that to the official people.

i have irrational thoughts that i KNOW are untrue for example, i believe a therapist or the doctor, there just at work trying to get through the day, they dont trully want to help. unlike all you AMAZING people who are responding for free out the kindness of your hearts. like i say i know that is irrational and they will try to help, but untill the point of actually recieving the real help im just one of many names on a screen during their working day

I don't know your personal circumstances, but I chose to pay for my own therapy. I looked locally for people working in that field, called them up and we had conversations. Once I felt I was talking to the right person, we met so we could assess each other (badly put but it'll do) and decide whether to go ahead or not.

 

At the time, I was employed, and I would never have ever done it via work (I was working for a very dubious guy/company, ironically the workplace had become part of my trauma). If that route isn't for you, I'd start with your GP and go from there. I'd avoid work being involved, if only to make a boundary for yourself - people are often very well-meaning but simply don't understand.

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5 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

I don't know your personal circumstances, but I chose to pay for my own therapy. I looked locally for people working in that field, called them up and we had conversations. Once I felt I was talking to the right person, we met so we could assess each other (badly put but it'll do) and decide whether to go ahead or not.

 

At the time, I was employed, and I would never have ever done it via work (I was working for a very dubious guy/company, ironically the workplace had become part of my trauma). If that route isn't for you, I'd start with your GP and go from there. I'd avoid work being involved, if only to make a boundary for yourself - people are often very well-meaning but simply don't understand.

I'm going to put another perspective on this, not really for Lester.14 but maybe for others. I would encourage people, where possible and if they feel comfortable, absolutely using their employer to help them go to down the therapy avenue. Obviously everyone has different circumstances, but my employer was absolutely fantastic helping me with mental health issues. They paid for a private therapist and none of our conversations were relayed back, it was completely confidential. 

Don't rule it out if the facility is there, people. 

Apologies if I've misunderstood your point @HighPeakFox

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19 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

I'm going to put another perspective on this, not really for Lester.14 but maybe for others. I would encourage people, where possible and if they feel comfortable, absolutely using their employer to help them go to down the therapy avenue. Obviously everyone has different circumstances, but my employer was absolutely fantastic helping me with mental health issues. They paid for a private therapist and none of our conversations were relayed back, it was completely confidential. 

Don't rule it out if the facility is there, people. 

Apologies if I've misunderstood your point @HighPeakFox

No opinion is ever completely right :)

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25 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

No opinion is ever completely right :)

so true.... oh wait...ummm....now im confused :)

Edited by ozleicester
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Hey @Lester.14 hang in there mate.  Things are never as bad as we convince ourselves they are, and we are much more important to our families than we can imagine.  The first step you’ve made is the hardest.  People love you and they will want to help you. 

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On 14/08/2019 at 19:16, Lester.14 said:

at rock bottom.. always on FT but rarely post.

at a point of no return with no one to talk to.

 

for the past 12 months ive been battling my worst demons and losing. 

i was adopted at 4 years old following circumstances way to deep to go into.. i was seperated from my 3 older sisters and adopted by 2 loving parents. i no longer speak to my parents as they dont agree with the age gap with my Mrs being 12 years older, so unfortunately i have no contact with my parents, or siblings who i have lost contact with over the years (i choose not to have social media as it brings its own problems) and having moved from the sticks to the city i really have no friends, i have no one other than my Mrs and my 3 children to talk to.

 

i coukd write a book with my thoughts and emotions but speaking them in words is impossible. ive never dealt with any underlying problems and just try to hide everything and remain a rock for my family. and away from the fascade of being happy began to gamble and take drugs to curve the effect of reality. im lost, out of control and falling down way to quick. for a year ive hid everything from my Mrs through fear of losing everything i have. 

 

this week, specifically today has been the worst, my agency is no longer required at the factory.. work being my only escape from life.. 8 hours of structured routine, i also fessed up to gambling and drugs so everythings in the open, im currently on antidepressants that honestky feels like its more of a hinderence, on top of all that i was scheduled a phone appointment with the well being nhs service in beaumont leys today that was cancelled.

 

only in the last month or so have i thought to myself that its all to much, the pressure of being what everyone expects is too high, i try to please everyone around me and never dealt with myself.. i feel im more of a burden to my family right now, i wish id dealt with my problems much sooner but its always easier not too.. if i had anyone else, literally anybody else to talk to, i would not be posting on here.. just writing the above down has been overwhelming for myself

I read your post yesterday and didn’t reply because I’ve never experienced what you and many similar beautiful people on this thread who replied to you have been through. But you’ve been on my mind and I’ve been thinking of you and hoping that moment by moment you are feeling just a little better than before you had the tremendous courage and strength to share what you are going through on this thread. My thoughts and very best wishes are with you. Take care and go gently and go well. 

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For those on anti anxiety/depressants, interested in how much these have effected (negatively or otherwise) your sex life?

 

A bit embarrassing to post this - but the last month or so I just couldn't care less about sex. I don't feel depressed, and in many ways I'm more mentally healthy than I've been in years. When I was at my most anxious, I was probably borderline addicted to sex/porn etc., but now my drive is so low, I don't feel like myself. I exercise, try and take care of myself etc. but I'm just happy going to work, doing whatever and going to sleep. I know this isn't the most important issue by any means on this thread - but just curious because I feel a bit like I've lost part of me (not physically!) cheers. Maybe it's a phase and will kick in again who knows.

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