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Pinkman

Depression

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On 29/09/2018 at 23:43, broughtonblue said:

From the heart, here goes..

Just over 3 years ago my grandad passed, we were so close he was like a brother, i lost my dog (my best friend, any dog owners will know what i mean) aged 15, i lost my job, and my wife left me after a 30 year relationship, leaving me with 2 lads and a mortgage all wthin 4 months.

To say i hit rock bottom is an understatement,  i drove along motorways looking for a bridge to crash into (until this point i never realised every bridge has an anti crash barrier in front of it) i spent hours driving round stoney cove looking for a way to drive into it. Then decided the best place to end it all was on some cliffs that hold some very emotional memories for me. My plan was to drink a bottle of whisky, take all my tablets i was on for anxiety and depression, then slit my wrists ( never knew the best way to do it is down the wrist and not across, as its far more difficult to stem the flow of blood that way) and drive off. Surely one of my actions would result in my death.

I drove up the cliffs to find the best place to do it, i never realised that before the barbed wire fence near the edge, the council had dug trenches to stop cars going over the edge. 

I parked my car and walked around to find the best place, in doing so climbing over the barbed wire. There were lots of little home made wooden crosses dedicated to previous suicide people from relatives. I sat there for a couple of hours contemplating, but one of the crosses had the message ... ' dad, why.? Just why?'

This struck a cord in my heavy heart that i had 2 lads that i couldnt leave. So i climbed back over the fence, got in my car and drove down to a viewing point half way down. I cried like a baby and was a total mess.

What i didnt know was that a member of the public had seen me sitting at the edge, and alerted the authorities. As i sat in my car i saw 4 police cars and 2 coastguard vans drive up the cliff road in my mirror.

I gave it half hour then drove back up to the top, parked and went over to a copper. I just said, 'are you looking for me?' He looked at me and said, given the description he had, he was. There were 5 coppers, 4 coastguard people at the top and 4 at the bottom all lookìng for me. 

I was told to sit in the back of the police car where i was interviewed,  questioned and to be fair to them, sympathetically listened to my story. I was eventually allowed to drive to a station, followed by the officers where again i was interviewed by social workers. 

After convincing them that the reason i hadnt done what i wanted to was because i couldnt make my own lads go to my funeral i was allowed to leave. I drove to my friends house, followed by police to make sure i got there. I was then sat down with the police and friends and told the social services would ring me every 2 hours to check i was ok. 

Lowest time of my life. 

3 years on im sort of ok, still have bad days where the thought of getting up out of bed is daunting, but these says are monthly rather than daily. 

What got me to where i am now is counselling,  spilling your story to a trained professional who doesnt judge was fabulous, they seem to lead you on a path that you are not aware off. 

I dont think the tablets were helping so took myself off them,  although im not advocating this for anyone else. I also tried CBT therapy but didnt get on with it. 

Just relaying this so others know there is a way back, although painful and slow. I still get to hug and kiss my kids, and i also saw us win the premier league !!

 

Remember your own story chap, which gave lots of people lots to think about.

Things change, life changes, life can change, but first things first, get some meds, give them time. Get back into counselling, and use us as well.

Dont do anything others will regret. Let them help you, like you have helped others.

**** regrets, your life is your choice. We all make mistakes, move on from them but seek the help you need.

Much love brother. Few more days and the footie starts. Close season is a difficult time anyway. 

Hope this helps in some way. 

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In 2 minds right now; i graduate on Tuesday and obviously I'm hugely proud to be graduating and completing my degree. But at the same time, it's a terrifying step as it's the first time I've not had something planned to step into.

 

I majorly suffer with what can be termed imposter syndrome and consistently doubt I'm good enough or able to do what I do well. 

My grades etc say the opposite but it's that consistent voice in my head questioning whether I can do it or if I'm good enough that holds it back. 

 

Sorry if this is in the wrong thread; just needed to get this into text to try to deal with it. 

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15 minutes ago, UniFox21 said:

In 2 minds right now; i graduate on Tuesday and obviously I'm hugely proud to be graduating and completing my degree. But at the same time, it's a terrifying step as it's the first time I've not had something planned to step into.

 

I majorly suffer with what can be termed imposter syndrome and consistently doubt I'm good enough or able to do what I do well. 

My grades etc say the opposite but it's that consistent voice in my head questioning whether I can do it or if I'm good enough that holds it back. 

 

Sorry if this is in the wrong thread; just needed to get this into text to try to deal with it. 

I always question whether I can do what I want/need to do but it tends to be what drives me on to do well.

 

What would you like to do?

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3 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

I always question whether I can do what I want/need to do but it tends to be what drives me on to do well.

 

What would you like to do?

I'd like to move into research, and to get there I need to get a research job to get experience before a PhD or dive straight into one.

 

I know I can get a PhD as I got into the final 2 of one at the institute of cancer research. It's just that hugely nagging voice in my head worrying I'll get there and be found out I'm not what my CV says I am.

 

I work my ass off to not fail, as I hate failing, but it's that that drives the worry of screwing up and not being good enough. Majorly struggle with confidence as I let the nagging voices talk me into worry which wear me down. 

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2 minutes ago, UniFox21 said:

I'd like to move into research, and to get there I need to get a research job to get experience before a PhD or dive straight into one.

 

I know I can get a PhD as I got into the final 2 of one at the institute of cancer research. It's just that hugely nagging voice in my head worrying I'll get there and be found out I'm not what my CV says I am.

 

I work my ass off to not fail, as I hate failing, but it's that that drives the worry of screwing up and not being good enough. Majorly struggle with confidence as I let the nagging voices talk me into worry which wear me down. 

If that’s what you want to do then go for it. I would imagine most people suffer from self doubt but the ones who do well are those that use it to push them further. Even if you fail, what’s the worst thing that can happen?

 

Enjoy not having a plan for a while, I sometimes wish I had more freedom away from being married and having a mortgage etc so make the most of the freedom you currently have mate.

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10 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

If that’s what you want to do then go for it. I would imagine most people suffer from self doubt but the ones who do well are those that use it to push them further. Even if you fail, what’s the worst thing that can happen?

 

Enjoy not having a plan for a while, I sometimes wish I had more freedom away from being married and having a mortgage etc so make the most of the freedom you currently have mate.

True, my thoughts were to get a research or lab job for a year, build up more confidence and money and then aim to have one for next year. 

 

I'm bad at being too free as I get bored if I don't have something to do or set my mind too. I hate being buried in work but I seem to do best when I have stuff to just get on with and work through.

 

Cheers for listening mate. 

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Started seeing a therapist privately about 2.5 months ago due to some bad news that I just didn't cope with. It's massively helped with that but has made pretty much everything else worse.  Is this a normal thing for therapy to make you feel worse about some things and for this long? How long does it last? Should I switch therapists? I don't really know how to say to my therapist that it's making me actively hate my life and everything about the last 5 years even more than I already did but feeling hopeless about changing. Is it all going to magically come together at some point into a positive?

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43 minutes ago, Kopfkino said:

Started seeing a therapist privately about 2.5 months ago due to some bad news that I just didn't cope with. It's massively helped with that but has made pretty much everything else worse.  Is this a normal thing for therapy to make you feel worse about some things and for this long? How long does it last? Should I switch therapists? I don't really know how to say to my therapist that it's making me actively hate my life and everything about the last 5 years even more than I already did but feeling hopeless about changing. Is it all going to magically come together at some point into a positive?

Be patient - it can take a while, as we become more aware of ourselves.

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5 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

Started seeing a therapist privately about 2.5 months ago due to some bad news that I just didn't cope with. It's massively helped with that but has made pretty much everything else worse.  Is this a normal thing for therapy to make you feel worse about some things and for this long? How long does it last? Should I switch therapists? I don't really know how to say to my therapist that it's making me actively hate my life and everything about the last 5 years even more than I already did but feeling hopeless about changing. Is it all going to magically come together at some point into a positive?

You have to be 100% honest with your therapist. That was the difficult part for me. Say what you're thinking and how your feeling and don't worry about the therapist's feelings.

 

I was lucky that I got a good therapist right off the bat. I have heard though that others haven't been as lucky. 

 

Tell him/her how the sessions are making you feel and ask if that's part of the process.

 

Good luck.

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9 hours ago, UniFox21 said:

In 2 minds right now; i graduate on Tuesday and obviously I'm hugely proud to be graduating and completing my degree. But at the same time, it's a terrifying step as it's the first time I've not had something planned to step into.

 

I majorly suffer with what can be termed imposter syndrome and consistently doubt I'm good enough or able to do what I do well. 

My grades etc say the opposite but it's that consistent voice in my head questioning whether I can do it or if I'm good enough that holds it back. 

 

Sorry if this is in the wrong thread; just needed to get this into text to try to deal with it. 

Congratulations on getting your degree.  You've just proved to the world that you can succeed - uni is a lot harder than many think and you have to have determination and self-discipline to get through it.

 

Confidence is gained by doing things.  No-one starts as an expert in whatever they are attempting.  We all have to go through the process of trying and not being as successful as we want to be, but building on that experience to be better next time.  Doubting our ability is natural in a way as we have no proof that we can achieve what we want to - the way to overcome it is to actually have a go, and as CostockFox so rightly said, what's the worst that can happen?  All of us who have achieved progress in our lives know what it is to try and fall short of our own expectations, if you enter any profession or academic structure you should find peers there with understanding.  

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10 hours ago, UniFox21 said:

In 2 minds right now; i graduate on Tuesday and obviously I'm hugely proud to be graduating and completing my degree. But at the same time, it's a terrifying step as it's the first time I've not had something planned to step into.

 

I majorly suffer with what can be termed imposter syndrome and consistently doubt I'm good enough or able to do what I do well. 

My grades etc say the opposite but it's that consistent voice in my head questioning whether I can do it or if I'm good enough that holds it back. 

 

Sorry if this is in the wrong thread; just needed to get this into text to try to deal with it. 

Good luck mate, youve done amazingly well so far and will into the future.

 

Remember...MOST of the people around you also feel like imposters, like you they hide it and outsiders dont know.

 

Talk to counsellors, doctors and friends, it really helps. Most of all dont give in, By graduating youve already achieved something that 70% of the rest of the people in the UK havent. :)

Edited by ozleicester
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On 14/07/2019 at 22:35, UniFox21 said:

 

 

I majorly suffer with what can be termed imposter syndrome and consistently doubt I'm good enough or able to do what I do well. 

My grades etc say the opposite but it's that consistent voice in my head questioning whether I can do it or if I'm good enough that holds it back. 

I went to a talk on Imposter Syndrome at Sky Bets offices a couple of months ago. It was a presentation given by two of the software/platform engineering managers and the CEO, all three of them admitted to having these feelings of self doubt on a daily basis. The ****ing CEO of Sky Bet used to sit in his office, and every time there was a knock on the door or the phone rang, he thought it was the owners of the company, coming to tell him he was a fraud and he’d conned them all in to getting the job. That put it all in perspective for me I think, you’re not alone mate, I think you’d be surprised at just how many people feel like me and you do on a daily basis, it really doesn’t discriminate but if you have tangible things to read and look at (your grades) just make sure you take a minute each day to have a look at them and try to realise how talented you clearly are. 

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I finally took the first steps last week in order to get help for my anger and frustration issues (mild form of anxiety too). After visiting the Doctors I was recommended to complete an online referral form for 'Let's talk Wellbeing.'

 

After phone consultation I was recommended CBT, however through the NHS I was told it was up to a 5 month wait for a 1 to 1 appointment. I didn't fancy the group sessions as I felt I'd hold back too much. Could anybody recommend a private therapist in the Leicester / Leicestershire area who I could contact?

 

I feel positive about making a change and although I appreciate my issues are not as significant as others, I'd like to start CBT whilst I am feeling positive.


Thanks in advance.

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On 14/07/2019 at 23:20, UniFox21 said:

True, my thoughts were to get a research or lab job for a year, build up more confidence and money and then aim to have one for next year. 

 

I'm bad at being too free as I get bored if I don't have something to do or set my mind too. I hate being buried in work but I seem to do best when I have stuff to just get on with and work through.

 

Cheers for listening mate. 

Hey. I work in academia and also worked in clinical research. Feel free to message me if you want to talk out your ideas. You sound really like my husband who massively suffers from imposter syndrome and feeling he's not good enough for a 'real world' job. It's so paralyzing, I feel for you. 

 

For what it's worth, a bit of experience in a research lab before jumping into a PhD sounds a really good idea to me.

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On 16/07/2019 at 11:56, leicesterlad1989 said:

I finally took the first steps last week in order to get help for my anger and frustration issues (mild form of anxiety too). After visiting the Doctors I was recommended to complete an online referral form for 'Let's talk Wellbeing.'

 

After phone consultation I was recommended CBT, however through the NHS I was told it was up to a 5 month wait for a 1 to 1 appointment. I didn't fancy the group sessions as I felt I'd hold back too much. Could anybody recommend a private therapist in the Leicester / Leicestershire area who I could contact?

 

I feel positive about making a change and although I appreciate my issues are not as significant as others, I'd like to start CBT whilst I am feeling positive.


Thanks in advance.

I’ve been profoundly disappointed with the NHS in this regard too. Search on https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists or https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb - you can narrow it down by issue or locality  and gives you a profile for each possible therapist most of whom will have their own website and method of contacting them. Hope this helps. 

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I've always struggled with anxiety, I don't like to talk about it and as I've got into my 30's it's thankfully better than it was when I was younger.

 

I've ended up in a pretty senior position in my nursing career, but I only ever did the Diploma, never got a Bsc Hons. I'm at the kind of position where most of my colleagues have masters, I have plenty of degree level credits at various Uni's for all the post-qualifying courses I did over the years, but never all in the same uni to actually get a degree.

 

I'm doing a distance learning top-up course now, and it's ****ing killing me. I work every free second I have but it's not enough, either the shifts and life commitments getting in the way, I'm so far behind. I walk around feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack all the time. The deadline for coursework is Aug 6 and I'm not even half way through the classes let alone started the 2 assignments. This is only the first module too, there's 2 years of this yet. I don't know how to study and live with academic deadlines and still enjoy life.

 

Sorry just venting to be honest.

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3 hours ago, z-layrex said:

I've always struggled with anxiety, I don't like to talk about it and as I've got into my 30's it's thankfully better than it was when I was younger.

 

I've ended up in a pretty senior position in my nursing career, but I only ever did the Diploma, never got a Bsc Hons. I'm at the kind of position where most of my colleagues have masters, I have plenty of degree level credits at various Uni's for all the post-qualifying courses I did over the years, but never all in the same uni to actually get a degree.

 

I'm doing a distance learning top-up course now, and it's ****ing killing me. I work every free second I have but it's not enough, either the shifts and life commitments getting in the way, I'm so far behind. I walk around feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack all the time. The deadline for coursework is Aug 6 and I'm not even half way through the classes let alone started the 2 assignments. This is only the first module too, there's 2 years of this yet. I don't know how to study and live with academic deadlines and still enjoy life.

 

Sorry just venting to be honest.

Is it essential for your job that you do this course? Because if it isn’t and you feel like this at this stage then I guess it will be difficult to continue.

 

I would speak to either your tutor/boss to let them know how you are feeling because it sounds like you will burn out which really won’t be too good for you in the long run.

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There's no doubt doing a course and fitting it around work and family life is really difficult. 

 

Without the support of your family, ie partner, it will be impossible to do it justice.

 

You must create time in the day / week when you can focus on the course if you can't then this might not be the right time to do a course.

 

I found that I could only study once the kids have gone to bed and before everyone gets up in the morning. You'll be amazed how much you can achieve at these times.  

 

On the weekend I'd nip to a library or cafe for a couple of hours to get some work done.

 

If you don't have the time don't stress about it just be pragmatic about the situation.

 

I've started and not finished courses or postponed them when work and family life got too much it's not the end of the world.

 

The important thing is to not stress out or beat yourself up about it all.

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2 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Does anyone ever feel like you’re just literally bursting with ideas and creativity but your depression/anxiety/circumstances are just totally restricting you? I’ve got so many things I want to do but just don’t have the technology or balls to do it. 

Yep, but it’s just our thinking and limiting beliefs that hold us back. I really admire people who take a risk and JFDI.

The problem is that our heart and our instinct tell us we’ve got all these creative ideas, then our rational brain lists a load of excuses why we can’t do them. This internal conflict of should I?/shouldn’t I? can be really demoralising.

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10 hours ago, Izzy said:

Yep, but it’s just our thinking and limiting beliefs that hold us back. I really admire people who take a risk and JFDI.

The problem is that our heart and our instinct tell us we’ve got all these creative ideas, then our rational brain lists a load of excuses why we can’t do them. This internal conflict of should I?/shouldn’t I? can be really demoralising.

If I had this I wouldnt have been exculuded from school it's not a bad thing to have.

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Just now, Fightforever said:

If I had this I wouldnt have been exculuded from school it's not a bad thing to have.

Indeed.

 

But when it's so dominant that it suppresses the emotional/instinctive part of our brain it can literally paralyze us from taking positive action.

 

As in everything in life, it's all about balance.

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