Depression

[urban.spaceman]

12 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I don't know you @urban.spaceman, will probably never meet you, but weirdly I'm proud of you. Takes a lot to push through the doubts like you have done, even without anxiety and depression. People often talk about changing something, or reaching the next step in their life and then just stagnate. Well done.

That means a lot mate. Thank you, seriously. 

[gw_leics772]

12 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

So I said on here the other day that my anxiety stops me doing even basic things sometimes. I feel like I have to meticulously research some things to make sure I’m making the right decision for me - choosing my therapist took ages and I had to do a ‘dry’ run to the location before even contacting her. Even buying clothes, I loathe actually shopping so I’ll have to research online beforehand. Anyway. 

 

I’ve been wanting to get into video editing for a long time, but I’ve just never had the opportunity and ended up in unrelated dead end jobs for far too long. I settled on doing an internship in Cape Town 3 years ago, saved up for almost a year, and had the best time ever. When I came back though I still had the same problem - shite technology with no access to the right software. No way to prove my ability. The internship place offered me a job back in South Africa in 2017 but they had to retract it (and I had a major breakdown). Since then I’ve been in a rut. Depressed, anxious, still in a dead end irregular job that I’m starting to loath (I got assaulted last week!). Still living at home, no money, no way out. 

 

For the last couple of months I’ve been formulating a plan, accelerated somewhat because I’m going to be an uncle next year and I don’t want to be in this state when it arrives. Step one, a new laptop. Step two, get the software. Step 3, join local filmmaking groups. Step four, make a decent showreel. I’ve found the laptop I need, which will be basic but still gives me access to industry standard software, but way, way out of my price range. It would give my chances of finding work such a boost in terms on creativity, confidence and actual output. No other laptop or affordable software would provide me with that. 

 

So I’ve been meticulously researching how to pay for it, and settled on applying for the manufacturer’s financing scheme, which is 0% over a year. I can just about afford that. Or at least my belief is, by getting this I am ‘speculating to accumulate’;  because it will give me a better chance of getting work I will hopefully have a job and be able to pay it off quicker. 

 

Planning this has caused me a great deal of anxiety especially as I’ve kept it to myself - mentioning it once or twice to family members months back without much comment (mainly because it’s so difficult for me to explain why it will be so important to me). If I’d mentioned it to them soon they wouldn’t have understood and would probably have tried to talk me out of it, or just a modicum of negativity would have put me off. So on Monday I finally settled on actually doing it and to take pressure off I decided to do postpone the process until Thursday and enjoy the rest of the week. 

 

I had dinner with my mum earlier, just me and her, and I was feeling quite relaxed about it and decided to tell her. I explained why it was so necessary, that it would be purely for professional reasons, and that I’d researched the shit out of it and could just about afford the repayments. She was still concerned about the cost though, but I told her I could do it. That this is what I needed to do, and I had to do it on my own terms. 

 

4 hours later and before she goes bed she tells me she’s put the money in my account and to pay it back whenever I can, and got emotional. Then I got emotional because she really didn’t have to do it, but it’s taken such a huge ****ing weight off my shoulders. She told me that she believes in me, I said that’s so American. I tried to get her to take it back but she wouldn’t. I realise this makes me unbelievably lucky but to be honest, I’m due a bit of ****ing luck after the last few years.

 

So tomorrow I’m heading into town and getting my new tech, installing the free trial software, and joining some filmmaking groups in the next week. I’m fighting back against this depression. 

 

 

 

 

TL;DR:

urban.spaceman is a bit emotional but feeling a tiny bit positive for once. 

Brilliant on every level. Well done you and good luck with your new adventures.

 

It was pretty damned excellent before you got to the but about your mum and i bet that makes you feel almost as good, if not better than the actual project.

 

Really pleased for you.

 

Well done. Be proud of yourself.

 

You got there, you did it.

[urban.spaceman]

1 hour ago, gw_leics772 said:

Brilliant on every level. Well done you and good luck with your new adventures.

 

It was pretty damned excellent before you got to the but about your mum and i bet that makes you feel almost as good, if not better than the actual project.

 

Really pleased for you.

 

Well done. Be proud of yourself.

 

You got there, you did it.

Thanks GW!! 

[urban.spaceman]

It's arrived, and is brilliant. Most of the software is installed, and I'll hopefully be able to get funding for the rest of it, fingers crossed. 

 

Still, bit anxious 

[Costock_Fox]

36 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

It's arrived, and is brilliant. Most of the software is installed, and I'll hopefully be able to get funding for the rest of it, fingers crossed. 

 

Still, bit anxious 

Happy wanking, I mean working.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

Good luck @urban.spaceman.

Sending plenty of positive vibes your way.

People here are willing you to make a success of it.

Just give it your best, can't ever ask any more than that.

[urban.spaceman]

13 hours ago, Costock_Fox said:

Happy wanking, I mean working.

Porn and FoxesTalk are banned from it, for obvious reasons. 

33 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Good luck @urban.spaceman.

Sending plenty of positive vibes your way.

People here are willing you to make a success of it.

Just give it your best, can't ever ask any more than that.

Thanks Geoff! 

[stripeyfox]

good luck @urban.spaceman mate, I hope it is a success buddy

 

[PAULCFC]

12 day today on the meds.......The weekend was shit....just sleeping allday Saturday and most of Sunday.Went to work today,but feel permanitly tired....But i think it'll be worth it to get me back to myself!

Edited 5 August 2019 by PAULCFC

[urban.spaceman]

1 hour ago, PAULCFC said:

12 day today on the meds.......The weekend was shit....just sleeping allday Saturday and most of Sunday.Went to work today,but feel permanitly tired....But i think it'll be worth it to get me back to myself!

Keep on them Paul - get yourself a pill dispenser (after 3 years without one I've just got one and it's, er, indispensible. I'll get me coat) to keep yourself on track. 

 

They'll take a wee bit of time to take effect so volatility on them is normal. As you say it will definitely be worth it!

[urban.spaceman]

On 03/08/2019 at 19:38, stripeyfox said:

good luck @urban.spaceman mate, I hope it is a success buddy

 

Thanks Stripey!

[totbl]

On 05/08/2019 at 18:32, urban.spaceman said:

Keep on them Paul - get yourself a pill dispenser (after 3 years without one I've just got one and it's, er, indispensible. I'll get me coat) to keep yourself on track. 

 

They'll take a wee bit of time to take effect so volatility on them is normal. As you say it will definitely be worth it!

Agreed, the sleepiness eventually goes. I'm still partial to an afternoon nap, but it gets better. I could be wrong, I also feel that as your body eases out of its anxiety cycle a bit, it needs to rest more as it's been so active with anxiety symptoms and the up and down for so long. 

[urban.spaceman]

Robin Williams hung himself 5 years ago today. I can't remember ever being so profoundly upset over the death of a 'celebrity' before. He was always such a positive, hilarious guy, with so many films from my childhood and my favourite film of all time (The Fisher King, by Terry Gilliam). The fact it was a suicide led me to a breakdown of sorts, when I resolved to start getting some help. RIP Robin.

[Izzy]

8 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Robin Williams hung himself 5 years ago today. I can't remember ever being so profoundly upset over the death of a 'celebrity' before. He was always such a positive, hilarious guy, with so many films from my childhood and my favourite film of all time (The Fisher King, by Terry Gilliam). The fact it was a suicide led me to a breakdown of sorts, when I resolved to start getting some help. RIP Robin.

This quote of his still resonates with me to this day...

 

[spacemunky]

I got the chills reading that quote of Robin's. Very true and I know first hand exactly what he meant by it.

[TaggertvsWise]

Evening. Not posted for a while. 

 

I start my cognitive behavioural therapy tomorrow. I feel a bit weird about it but also that, with my Able Futures talks I am slowly surrounding myself with people and organisations that can help.

 

My self esteem is still so low but I couldn’t help but post based on that Robin Williams comment which reasonates so much. I have wonderful kids, a loving wife and great friends that I am really trying to recognise and accept the positive impact I have on their lives but it is often too hard and my self worth plummets. Thankfully things are getting better and any thoughts of ending it no longer enter my mind.

 

Reading so much good stuff particularly the progress from @urban.spaceman on here makes me hopeful.

 

If anyone is struggling at work I recommend ‘Able Futures’ they are a govt funded mental health service and have been a big help. 

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, TaggertvsWise said:

Evening. Not posted for a while. 

 

I start my cognitive behavioural therapy tomorrow. I feel a bit weird about it but also that, with my Able Futures talks I am slowly surrounding myself with people and organisations that can help.

 

My self esteem is still so low but I couldn’t help but post based on that Robin Williams comment which reasonates so much. I have wonderful kids, a loving wife and great friends that I am really trying to recognise and accept the positive impact I have on their lives but it is often too hard and my self worth plummets. Thankfully things are getting better and any thoughts of ending it no longer enter my mind.

 

Reading so much good stuff particularly the progress from @urban.spaceman on here makes me hopeful.

 

If anyone is struggling at work I recommend ‘Able Futures’ they are a govt funded mental health service and have been a big help. 

Best of luck tomorrow mate. I really hope you benefit from CBT like so many others have. Please stick with it even if you have your doubts to begin with.

 

I've said many times before on here that our self worth has to start from within. If you're the same way inclined as me and others on here, it doesn't matter how much people tell us we're having a positive impact on them, because we don't believe it ourselves. We think we're 'not worthy' of this praise and we put ourselves down. 

 

We really have to forgive, accept and love ourselves first. I know it sounds cheesy but it's the only way to happiness and fulfillment in life. We'll never be perfect and we'll still fvck things up, but we're only human and we're all flawed. 

 

Whenever you're feeling down (which always comes from your thinking btw and you'll explore this with CBT) the best way I find to snap out of it is just to get grateful. Look at how much you've got be to grateful for - wonderful kids, a loving wife, great friends etc. You deserve all this and it's perfectly O.K. to grateful for it all.

 

Keep us posted mate 

[TaggertvsWise]

Thank you, that means a lot.

[HowardsBulletHeader]

I always read this thread as I've always found it very intriguing and inspiring as people support each other so much here. I've tried to dabble in and out with what little knowledge I have where I can so that I'm not only reading I'm contributing too. I have no idea why I've written that, just needed an opener. 

 

I'm relatively comfortable posting here as only one person knows who I am and I'm fairly sure they haven't found this thread yet or at least I haven't seen them post. Mine isn't directly depression related but I didn't really know where else to go and thought writing it out might help me. 

 

Does anyone ever get a bit troubled by things that have happened or involved them in the past? Things that either I've done, or been a part of, whether I was the main culprit or not in certain cases, particularly late at night I lie there and it all just floods back. All of my things that I am least proud of, come to the forefront of my mind and I wouldn't go as far as it keeps me awake but it's just a bit uncomfortable. I imagine if I actually explained what they were people would find it a minor thing, as many people in life have done far, far worse and many more people in the future will do far worse too but I get it occasionally where I'm still awake at this hour and it all comes back. 

 

I'm sure we've all done things we aren't proud of and I'm sure some people are better at dismissing it and forgetting it completely. For me, because nearly all of them are vastly out of character for me, I feel like I'm struggling to completely move on from them. I guess in case I have another moment like it. I like to think of myself as quite strong minded and determined and nearly all of the events that come back to me, I feel they happened at a time where I was mentally weak. Where I was either stressed with uni or work or just generally upset or getting over a family bereavement or just something happened to upset my usual mental strength. 

 

I do actually feel a little better for writing it down and thinking back to how I was feeling around those times and the triggers. If you can spare the time to let me have some thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  

[spacemunky]

2 hours ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

I always read this thread as I've always found it very intriguing and inspiring as people support each other so much here. I've tried to dabble in and out with what little knowledge I have where I can so that I'm not only reading I'm contributing too. I have no idea why I've written that, just needed an opener. 

 

I'm relatively comfortable posting here as only one person knows who I am and I'm fairly sure they haven't found this thread yet or at least I haven't seen them post. Mine isn't directly depression related but I didn't really know where else to go and thought writing it out might help me. 

 

Does anyone ever get a bit troubled by things that have happened or involved them in the past? Things that either I've done, or been a part of, whether I was the main culprit or not in certain cases, particularly late at night I lie there and it all just floods back. All of my things that I am least proud of, come to the forefront of my mind and I wouldn't go as far as it keeps me awake but it's just a bit uncomfortable. I imagine if I actually explained what they were people would find it a minor thing, as many people in life have done far, far worse and many more people in the future will do far worse too but I get it occasionally where I'm still awake at this hour and it all comes back. 

 

I'm sure we've all done things we aren't proud of and I'm sure some people are better at dismissing it and forgetting it completely. For me, because nearly all of them are vastly out of character for me, I feel like I'm struggling to completely move on from them. I guess in case I have another moment like it. I like to think of myself as quite strong minded and determined and nearly all of the events that come back to me, I feel they happened at a time where I was mentally weak. Where I was either stressed with uni or work or just generally upset or getting over a family bereavement or just something happened to upset my usual mental strength. 

 

I do actually feel a little better for writing it down and thinking back to how I was feeling around those times and the triggers. If you can spare the time to let me have some thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  

One of the main issues I had to deal with when I did counselling was something I was beating myself up over. I was resigned to the fact that this was just how it was going to be from now on.

 

My counsellor asked me if I had killed someone. I paused and I think I laughed and said "no". She then said we can deal with it.

 

Now I can't say it as well as she did, but basically we talked about the particular problem and she told me to forgive myself in order to move forward. Just going over something in your head over and over is pointless and doesn't change a thing. 

 

Now I could have just said that I was fine and all is fixed, but she made me say it over and over, "I forgive myself".

 

Again, I can't explain it like she did and I'm probably making it sound a bit corny. In the end you have to move forward and if your going in circles in your head you can't do that until you clear it up.

 

Friends and family of course said "Don't beat yourself up over it", like people close to you do. But, I had to look at it and realize I had done the best I could at that time. There was no point in wishing I could go back and have a "do over". 

 

We all have things we've done and wished we could have done differently, but you can't  keep going backwards. Eventually you have to come to the conclusion that we all make mistakes or poor choices in our lives. Learn from those, start a new day with a new slate.

 

One of my favourite bands The Tragically Hip, have a song called "Ahead by a Century". There's a line in the song that where he says there's "No dress rehearsal, this is our life". 

[Crinklyfox]

7 hours ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

I always read this thread as I've always found it very intriguing and inspiring as people support each other so much here. I've tried to dabble in and out with what little knowledge I have where I can so that I'm not only reading I'm contributing too. I have no idea why I've written that, just needed an opener. 

 

I'm relatively comfortable posting here as only one person knows who I am and I'm fairly sure they haven't found this thread yet or at least I haven't seen them post. Mine isn't directly depression related but I didn't really know where else to go and thought writing it out might help me. 

 

Does anyone ever get a bit troubled by things that have happened or involved them in the past? Things that either I've done, or been a part of, whether I was the main culprit or not in certain cases, particularly late at night I lie there and it all just floods back. All of my things that I am least proud of, come to the forefront of my mind and I wouldn't go as far as it keeps me awake but it's just a bit uncomfortable. I imagine if I actually explained what they were people would find it a minor thing, as many people in life have done far, far worse and many more people in the future will do far worse too but I get it occasionally where I'm still awake at this hour and it all comes back. 

 

I'm sure we've all done things we aren't proud of and I'm sure some people are better at dismissing it and forgetting it completely. For me, because nearly all of them are vastly out of character for me, I feel like I'm struggling to completely move on from them. I guess in case I have another moment like it. I like to think of myself as quite strong minded and determined and nearly all of the events that come back to me, I feel they happened at a time where I was mentally weak. Where I was either stressed with uni or work or just generally upset or getting over a family bereavement or just something happened to upset my usual mental strength. 

 

I do actually feel a little better for writing it down and thinking back to how I was feeling around those times and the triggers. If you can spare the time to let me have some thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  

You sound to me like someone who sets high standards for themselves and for that you should be commended.  It is, however, inevitable that there will be times when you do not attain those standards.  It's OK to be dissatisfied with yourself and aim to do better next time but you don't have to give yourself a lifetimes punishment for each 'offence'.

 

Please try to put the issues that you're focusing on into perspective.  Imagine if a friend confessed to you that they had experienced the same 'failings' that you've been troubled by.  Would you tell them that they could never be forgiven and they must suffer for these events for the rest of their lives?  Of course not, you would see them for what they are, minor issues in the grand scheme of things.  You would forgive them their little 'failings' and see the big picture as to who they are and the standards they hold dear.  So you can do the same thing to yourself.

 

We all have dark times when that evil little critic in our head tells us that we're useless, worthless or any other adjective designed to crush our self-esteem.  For those who are depressed, it's difficult to turn off but for the majority it's something that goes away when we feel more positive.  I think that you already recognise this.  Accept it as part of life in the knowledge that it is temporary only.

[urban.spaceman]

Off on my first proper holiday in about 5 years tonight, which is exciting, though it feels like I've genuinely forgotten what it feels like to have one. Money concerns prevail but I'm going to try and make the best of it. Also joining a filmmaking group tonight before I go to the airport, so anxiety is sky high!! To add to that there's an application deadline on the 19th while I'm away, so instead of packing I'm frantically trying to write the bulk of the work before I go so I don't have to work too much on it while I'm away. I mean, I generally pack about an hour before I leave for the airport anyway, but it's still setting my anxiety off!

[urban.spaceman]

On 12/08/2019 at 21:50, TaggertvsWise said:

Evening. Not posted for a while. 

 

I start my cognitive behavioural therapy tomorrow. I feel a bit weird about it but also that, with my Able Futures talks I am slowly surrounding myself with people and organisations that can help.

 

My self esteem is still so low but I couldn’t help but post based on that Robin Williams comment which reasonates so much. I have wonderful kids, a loving wife and great friends that I am really trying to recognise and accept the positive impact I have on their lives but it is often too hard and my self worth plummets. Thankfully things are getting better and any thoughts of ending it no longer enter my mind.

 

Reading so much good stuff particularly the progress from @urban.spaceman on here makes me hopeful.

 

If anyone is struggling at work I recommend ‘Able Futures’ they are a govt funded mental health service and have been a big help. 

It feels like baby steps sometimes mate, which thanks to many brilliant people on here, doesn't feel like a bad thing!

 

Hope your therapy went OK bud.

[Buce]

10 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Off on my first proper holiday in about 5 years tonight, which is exciting, though it feels like I've genuinely forgotten what it feels like to have one. Money concerns prevail but I'm going to try and make the best of it. Also joining a filmmaking group tonight before I go to the airport, so anxiety is sky high!! To add to that there's an application deadline on the 19th while I'm away, so instead of packing I'm frantically trying to write the bulk of the work before I go so I don't have to work too much on it while I'm away. I mean, I generally pack about an hour before I leave for the airport anyway, but it's still setting my anxiety off!

 

Enjoy.

 

Where are you off to?

[urban.spaceman]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Enjoy.

 

Where are you off to?

Poland!

 

My sister married a Pole earlier this year, so we're going over to have another Polish style wedding party (with extra vodka) as well as a bit of sight seeing and visiting Auschwitz. Never been to Poland, so looking forward to it very much!