Depression

[String fellow]

Being dumped can be unbelievably painful. I spent about 6 months afterwards replaying in my mind all the things I'd said or done (or not said or not done) which might have caused it. In the end I came to the conclusion that we weren't destined to stay together, and that in dumping me she'd also lost access to my wallet, which was great news for my wallet. Talking about relationship break-ups to someone (who's paid to listen) may be of some therapeutic value, but ultimately it's just talk, and it won't mend a broken heart. So I drew on the positives, like realising I'd got far more time and money to spend on other interests. Also, one gets a better night's sleep when not sharing a bed! 

Edited 18 September 2020 by String fellow

[urban.spaceman]

Anxiety's back with a vengeance today. Must be matchday.

[rachhere]

@Izzy what's the name of that book again that you recommend for getting out of negative thought cycles? I think my friend could benefit from it. 

[rachhere]

5 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Anxiety's back with a vengeance today. Must be matchday.

Hopefully you will get a nice boost with a win today. Weekends can be the worst I think, with less structure to them. Especially at the moment. 

Edited 20 September 2020 by rachhere

[Izzy]

24 minutes ago, rachhere said:

@Izzy what's the name of that book again that you recommend for getting out of negative thought cycles? I think my friend could benefit from it. 

There's a few books on this subject Rach but the two I'd recommend are:

 

1. 'Somebody should have told us' by Jack Pransky

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Somebody-Should-Have-Told-Us/dp/1926918266/ref=sr_1_1?crid=23Q3F8MMIVHSO&dchild=1&keywords=someone+should+have+told+us&qid=1600623560&sprefix=someone+shoul%2Caps%2C183&sr=8-1

 

2. 'The Inside Out Revolution' by Michael Neill

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Inside-Out-Revolution-Thing-Change-Forever/dp/1781800790/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6LBMVFHHKSVZ&dchild=1&keywords=the+inside+out+revolution+by+michael+neill&qid=1600624038&sprefix=the+inside%2Caps%2C180&sr=8-1

 

I hope your friend finds them helpful 

 

 

 

 

[rachhere]

15 minutes ago, Izzy said:

There's a few books on this subject Rach but the two I'd recommend are:

 

1. 'Somebody should have told us' by Jack Pransky

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Somebody-Should-Have-Told-Us/dp/1926918266/ref=sr_1_1?crid=23Q3F8MMIVHSO&dchild=1&keywords=someone+should+have+told+us&qid=1600623560&sprefix=someone+shoul%2Caps%2C183&sr=8-1

 

2. 'The Inside Out Revolution' by Michael Neill

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Inside-Out-Revolution-Thing-Change-Forever/dp/1781800790/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6LBMVFHHKSVZ&dchild=1&keywords=the+inside+out+revolution+by+michael+neill&qid=1600624038&sprefix=the+inside%2Caps%2C180&sr=8-1

 

I hope your friend finds them helpful 

 

 

 

 

Thanks - much appreciated!

[urban.spaceman]

15 hours ago, rachhere said:

Hopefully you will get a nice boost with a win today. Weekends can be the worst I think, with less structure to them. Especially at the moment. 

It was definitely something to do with it being Sunday. Feeling listless while everyone else was up and doing something. Trying to relax when someone's making some kind of DIY noise. Was half as active as I've been the last few weeks so that was another kicker! Feeling OK this morning though!

[Wymsey]

Fair play, Billy. 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/54189703

Hope this is the start of a happier life.

[Ozwin]

Genuinely don't think things are getting any easier. 

 

I'm still in our house on my own for another week and think that isn't helping as I'm just by myself and the house is getting emptier day by day. 

 

Thinking of going to the GP but can't work out if it's just sadness over the situation or actually something's wrong with me. I just feel so ****ing low all the time. 

[HighPeakFox]

38 minutes ago, Ozwin said:

Genuinely don't think things are getting any easier. 

 

I'm still in our house on my own for another week and think that isn't helping as I'm just by myself and the house is getting emptier day by day. 

 

Thinking of going to the GP but can't work out if it's just sadness over the situation or actually something's wrong with me. I just feel so ****ing low all the time. 

I think that's normal my friend. I have been single nearly 8 years now, and there is rarely a day goes by that I don't feel a twinge of sadness - I lost my best friend by our separating. It was the right thing to do, but it's human to grieve. 

 

Be good to yourself - the next week will be tough.

[Paninistickers]

1 hour ago, Ozwin said:

Genuinely don't think things are getting any easier. 

 

I'm still in our house on my own for another week and think that isn't helping as I'm just by myself and the house is getting emptier day by day. 

 

Thinking of going to the GP but can't work out if it's just sadness over the situation or actually something's wrong with me. I just feel so ****ing low all the time. 

Sorry to hear it dude.. I actually looked up this thread to see how you were doing. 

 

Sorry this isn't too comforting, but this feeling is gonna likely to last for.months. I'm afraid there's no other cure than to strap in and occupy yourself for the rough ride ahead. 

 

Each to their own, but my 'coping mechanisms' were small and manageble; flat became tidy and clean...slowly updated my clothes...got fitter....took up hiking...got a nice tan

...became more into films ....did laptop work in my local with a coffee instead of at home and planned stuff- holidays, jobs, things to learn etc. 

 

Hang in there! 

 

 

[ajthefox]

On 27/09/2020 at 11:23, Ozwin said:

Genuinely don't think things are getting any easier. 

 

I'm still in our house on my own for another week and think that isn't helping as I'm just by myself and the house is getting emptier day by day. 

 

Thinking of going to the GP but can't work out if it's just sadness over the situation or actually something's wrong with me. I just feel so ****ing low all the time. 

I can't really offer any advice mate, but I just wanted to say I hear your struggle. 

 

Time heals all wounds (eventually) but no doubt this is going to take time - I'd try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel or be a certain way.

 

Keep talking and try and keep the mind focused. Minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. Focus on whatever is in front of you and can help you get through the day. Try and avoid going round and round in circles in your head.

 

As a little bit of positive news, I have recently become an Ambassador for the charity which paid for my CBT last year. In my first act as ambassador, I've arranged an online seminar tomorrow about the help they provide/mental health. I'm giving a talk about my story, a member of their team is talking about the help they can offer and another ambassador who I went to uni with is also giving a talk. I still have my ups and downs and Covid is testing me like it is all of us, but a little more than a year removed from my lowest point and I feel so much more resilient and positive generally than I ever used to. 

 

FT has played a not insignificant part in my story, and I'll be mentioning it tomorrow. Thanks again to everyone who has contributed to the thread, it will always be the best one on here in my book.

Take care everyone, and don't suffer in silence.

Edited 29 September 2020 by ajthefox

[urban.spaceman]

Bittersweet day for me.

 

Been doing PT for a month - weekly sessions, have taken a "tactical break" from booze, kept to a strict diet and haven't strayed off it, and have done a 4k walk every night. Have officially lost a stone now. Clothes are falling off a bit, and my PT says I'm doing really well.

 

On the other hand I've had to give up my car after nearly 4 years. I'd been lent it by a family member who's been living abroad, basically keeping the car running so she didn't have to sell it then buy a new one. She announced to the family about 2 weeks ago that she was coming home today, and didn't say a word to me about the car, until about yesterday. Obviously I expected she'd want it, but what's really annoyed me is that I wasn't ever explicitly asked nor was it even mentioned at all. Just feels quite disrespectful to put me in a situation where I'm left without my own transport, especially as they know that I'm not really able to work because of the pandemic. Maybe I'm taking it to heart too much but it's quite upset me.

 

Either way it just feels like, as usual, I’m taking one step forward but being forced to take 3 steps back. 

 

So either way, I'm commiserating and celebrating with a fine bottle of rum tonight. I feel like I've earned it.

Edited 30 September 2020 by urban.spaceman

[stripeyfox]

well it has been a turbulent few months for me so I thought I'd unload my thoughts here, maybe it will help a bit

 

Have spent most of this year trying to look after my dad who is failing health. He has had nine hospital admissions since New Year (although astonishingly has managed to avoid catching Covid!) mainly through falls at home etc. The frequency between falls was getting shorter and the most recent 999 call happened less than one hour after they brought him home. He has now been moved into a Care Home. He was having carers at home but being the stubborn old sod that he is would just tell them "no i'm fine" and then phone me when they'd gone saying "I can't get upstairs to bed, can you come round".

 

Now he's in the care home, though obviously we can't see him. Sporadic phone calls are the order of the day - sometimes he is fine and has a reasonable conversation, other times he can't answer the phone at all and other times he leaves messages on my voicemail saying "they've moved me to a militray hospital" or "all the staff have gone home" or "everyone in here is French"

 

Alongside all this I (like most of us) have been feeling very stressed and worried about coronavirus situation. I've been working at home since lockdown and trying to balance work with looking after the kids etc which hasn't been easy.

 

We had a nice family holiday in July and a weekend away with the missus which was great which is why it came as a massive shock when a couple of weeks later she told me "it's over - I don't want to be married anymore"

 

I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. Been together for 18 years and never ever thought this would happen. Some of the reasons given seem a bit unfair to me, but perhaps she is right that we weren't making each other happy - too busy lookig after the family maybe. I mean, when you're married with kds, especially at the moment, a lot of the time you're doiing "boring" stuff - like working, making kids packed lunches or cooking dinner, going shopping. But that's life right? When we do get away I thought everything was peachy!

 

I don't think I am getting the whole story and I have driven myself mad trying to check up on her (as she's been spending a lot of time away from the house recently). Maybe there is something going on, maybe it is all in my head - I just don't know.

 

We hit a big bump in the road a couple of years ago about money problems (and @Izzy was a tremendous help to me at the time) but I thought we'd worked through that problem. I can't afford to buy her out of the mortgage so it looks like we've got to sell the house, take what profit we can and go our seperate ways.

 

Have been waking in the night with what I assume is anxiety attacks (never experienced anything like it before). Drinking and eating too much. I need to get a grip. She seems to have effortlessly moved on into her "new" life. New hair, new clothes etc etc whilst I am sitting here wallowing a bit. 

 

I'm sure things will work out in the end. Plenty of people get divorced and come out of it ok. But I just can't quite believe it - it was so sudden (at least to me it seemed that way - she says she's beem feeling unhappy for a long time). Trying not to feel bitter but it is very hard!

 

 

[HighPeakFox]

I have good bad news. I've been diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. This answers a breathing issue mystery that nobody has properly addressed ever, and now it can be dealt with properly. I have a disease I can never get rid of, but it is a huge weight off my mind and I can get on with enjoying my 50th birthday on Saturday properly (along with Richard Smith!). 

[Paninistickers]

2 hours ago, stripeyfox said:

well it has been a turbulent few months for me so I thought I'd unload my thoughts here, maybe it will help a bit

 

Have spent most of this year trying to look after my dad who is failing health. He has had nine hospital admissions since New Year (although astonishingly has managed to avoid catching Covid!) mainly through falls at home etc. The frequency between falls was getting shorter and the most recent 999 call happened less than one hour after they brought him home. He has now been moved into a Care Home. He was having carers at home but being the stubborn old sod that he is would just tell them "no i'm fine" and then phone me when they'd gone saying "I can't get upstairs to bed, can you come round".

 

Now he's in the care home, though obviously we can't see him. Sporadic phone calls are the order of the day - sometimes he is fine and has a reasonable conversation, other times he can't answer the phone at all and other times he leaves messages on my voicemail saying "they've moved me to a militray hospital" or "all the staff have gone home" or "everyone in here is French"

 

Alongside all this I (like most of us) have been feeling very stressed and worried about coronavirus situation. I've been working at home since lockdown and trying to balance work with looking after the kids etc which hasn't been easy.

 

We had a nice family holiday in July and a weekend away with the missus which was great which is why it came as a massive shock when a couple of weeks later she told me "it's over - I don't want to be married anymore"

 

I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. Been together for 18 years and never ever thought this would happen. Some of the reasons given seem a bit unfair to me, but perhaps she is right that we weren't making each other happy - too busy lookig after the family maybe. I mean, when you're married with kds, especially at the moment, a lot of the time you're doiing "boring" stuff - like working, making kids packed lunches or cooking dinner, going shopping. But that's life right? When we do get away I thought everything was peachy!

 

I don't think I am getting the whole story and I have driven myself mad trying to check up on her (as she's been spending a lot of time away from the house recently). Maybe there is something going on, maybe it is all in my head - I just don't know.

 

We hit a big bump in the road a couple of years ago about money problems (and @Izzy was a tremendous help to me at the time) but I thought we'd worked through that problem. I can't afford to buy her out of the mortgage so it looks like we've got to sell the house, take what profit we can and go our seperate ways.

 

Have been waking in the night with what I assume is anxiety attacks (never experienced anything like it before). Drinking and eating too much. I need to get a grip. She seems to have effortlessly moved on into her "new" life. New hair, new clothes etc etc whilst I am sitting here wallowing a bit. 

 

I'm sure things will work out in the end. Plenty of people get divorced and come out of it ok. But I just can't quite believe it - it was so sudden (at least to me it seemed that way - she says she's beem feeling unhappy for a long time). Trying not to feel bitter but it is very hard!

 

 

Sounds real rough trot. 

 

Couple of very quick observations that might go against the grain. I think a temporary bit of bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself is allowed. Don't try and brave the new life overnight. You've a right to sink down and wallow a bit. 

 

Secondly, the novelty of her new life will soon settle down. She's prob been planning it for months, so doesn't have the shock to contend with. It's all a big adventure for her arm.

 

I reckon buckle up for a bit, concentrate on your dad and kids til Xmas and worry about the new life and house selling etc in the new year

 

[Suzie the Fox]

1 hour ago, HighPeakFox said:

I have good bad news. I've been diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. This answers a breathing issue mystery that nobody has properly addressed ever, and now it can be dealt with properly. I have a disease I can never get rid of, but it is a huge weight off my mind and I can get on with enjoying my 50th birthday on Saturday properly (along with Richard Smith!). 

Its for sure good/bad news but at least you got to the bottom of the issue and can now move forward and get the respective help needed. Sending you a virtual hug for Saturday you old fart and the 1st round will be on me if/when we get back into the stadium in the future. x

[HighPeakFox]

2 minutes ago, Suzie the Fox said:

Its for sure good/bad news but at least you got to the bottom of the issue and can now move forward and get the respective help needed. Sending you a virtual hug for Saturday you old fart and the 1st round will be on me if/when we get back into the stadium in the future. x

Thank you Suzie. I also got rid of the latest restriction here, too. 

[Suzie the Fox]

2 hours ago, stripeyfox said:

well it has been a turbulent few months for me so I thought I'd unload my thoughts here, maybe it will help a bit

 

Have spent most of this year trying to look after my dad who is failing health. He has had nine hospital admissions since New Year (although astonishingly has managed to avoid catching Covid!) mainly through falls at home etc. The frequency between falls was getting shorter and the most recent 999 call happened less than one hour after they brought him home. He has now been moved into a Care Home. He was having carers at home but being the stubborn old sod that he is would just tell them "no i'm fine" and then phone me when they'd gone saying "I can't get upstairs to bed, can you come round".

 

Now he's in the care home, though obviously we can't see him. Sporadic phone calls are the order of the day - sometimes he is fine and has a reasonable conversation, other times he can't answer the phone at all and other times he leaves messages on my voicemail saying "they've moved me to a militray hospital" or "all the staff have gone home" or "everyone in here is French"

 

Alongside all this I (like most of us) have been feeling very stressed and worried about coronavirus situation. I've been working at home since lockdown and trying to balance work with looking after the kids etc which hasn't been easy.

 

We had a nice family holiday in July and a weekend away with the missus which was great which is why it came as a massive shock when a couple of weeks later she told me "it's over - I don't want to be married anymore"

 

I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. Been together for 18 years and never ever thought this would happen. Some of the reasons given seem a bit unfair to me, but perhaps she is right that we weren't making each other happy - too busy lookig after the family maybe. I mean, when you're married with kds, especially at the moment, a lot of the time you're doiing "boring" stuff - like working, making kids packed lunches or cooking dinner, going shopping. But that's life right? When we do get away I thought everything was peachy!

 

I don't think I am getting the whole story and I have driven myself mad trying to check up on her (as she's been spending a lot of time away from the house recently). Maybe there is something going on, maybe it is all in my head - I just don't know.

 

We hit a big bump in the road a couple of years ago about money problems (and @Izzy was a tremendous help to me at the time) but I thought we'd worked through that problem. I can't afford to buy her out of the mortgage so it looks like we've got to sell the house, take what profit we can and go our seperate ways.

 

Have been waking in the night with what I assume is anxiety attacks (never experienced anything like it before). Drinking and eating too much. I need to get a grip. She seems to have effortlessly moved on into her "new" life. New hair, new clothes etc etc whilst I am sitting here wallowing a bit. 

 

I'm sure things will work out in the end. Plenty of people get divorced and come out of it ok. But I just can't quite believe it - it was so sudden (at least to me it seemed that way - she says she's beem feeling unhappy for a long time). Trying not to feel bitter but it is very hard!

 

 

Really sorry to hear that my friend, breakups are horrible especially after a long period of time being together and when there are kids involved. All i can say is time really is the biggest healer. If you need anyone to chat with drop me a PM, i may talk a lot of shit but i am a great listener. 

[stripeyfox]

45 minutes ago, Paninistickers said:

Sounds real rough trot. 

 

Couple of very quick observations that might go against the grain. I think a temporary bit of bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself is allowed. Don't try and brave the new life overnight. You've a right to sink down and wallow a bit. 

 

Secondly, the novelty of her new life will soon settle down. She's prob been planning it for months, so doesn't have the shock to contend with. It's all a big adventure for her arm.

 

I reckon buckle up for a bit, concentrate on your dad and kids til Xmas and worry about the new life and house selling etc in the new year

 

Thanks mate, that's a good perspective on things. I'm allowed to feel pissed off I think. She's further along in this process than me and wants to sell the house ASAP. I'm digging my heels in a bit because although I know we have to sell it feels like the only thing I can do to stall her at the moment!

 

 

[stripeyfox]

34 minutes ago, Suzie the Fox said:

Really sorry to hear that my friend, breakups are horrible especially after a long period of time being together and when there are kids involved. All i can say is time really is the biggest healer. If you need anyone to chat with drop me a PM, i may talk a lot of shit but i am a great listener. 

Cheers Suzie, I might take you up on that. Probably good a lot of shit to get off my chest! 

 

 

[ajthefox]

5 hours ago, stripeyfox said:

well it has been a turbulent few months for me so I thought I'd unload my thoughts here, maybe it will help a bit

 

Have spent most of this year trying to look after my dad who is failing health. He has had nine hospital admissions since New Year (although astonishingly has managed to avoid catching Covid!) mainly through falls at home etc. The frequency between falls was getting shorter and the most recent 999 call happened less than one hour after they brought him home. He has now been moved into a Care Home. He was having carers at home but being the stubborn old sod that he is would just tell them "no i'm fine" and then phone me when they'd gone saying "I can't get upstairs to bed, can you come round".

 

Now he's in the care home, though obviously we can't see him. Sporadic phone calls are the order of the day - sometimes he is fine and has a reasonable conversation, other times he can't answer the phone at all and other times he leaves messages on my voicemail saying "they've moved me to a militray hospital" or "all the staff have gone home" or "everyone in here is French"

 

Alongside all this I (like most of us) have been feeling very stressed and worried about coronavirus situation. I've been working at home since lockdown and trying to balance work with looking after the kids etc which hasn't been easy.

 

We had a nice family holiday in July and a weekend away with the missus which was great which is why it came as a massive shock when a couple of weeks later she told me "it's over - I don't want to be married anymore"

 

I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. Been together for 18 years and never ever thought this would happen. Some of the reasons given seem a bit unfair to me, but perhaps she is right that we weren't making each other happy - too busy lookig after the family maybe. I mean, when you're married with kds, especially at the moment, a lot of the time you're doiing "boring" stuff - like working, making kids packed lunches or cooking dinner, going shopping. But that's life right? When we do get away I thought everything was peachy!

 

I don't think I am getting the whole story and I have driven myself mad trying to check up on her (as she's been spending a lot of time away from the house recently). Maybe there is something going on, maybe it is all in my head - I just don't know.

 

We hit a big bump in the road a couple of years ago about money problems (and @Izzy was a tremendous help to me at the time) but I thought we'd worked through that problem. I can't afford to buy her out of the mortgage so it looks like we've got to sell the house, take what profit we can and go our seperate ways.

 

Have been waking in the night with what I assume is anxiety attacks (never experienced anything like it before). Drinking and eating too much. I need to get a grip. She seems to have effortlessly moved on into her "new" life. New hair, new clothes etc etc whilst I am sitting here wallowing a bit. 

 

I'm sure things will work out in the end. Plenty of people get divorced and come out of it ok. But I just can't quite believe it - it was so sudden (at least to me it seemed that way - she says she's beem feeling unhappy for a long time). Trying not to feel bitter but it is very hard!

 

 

Bloody hell, sounds like a real conspiring of events against you mate, my heart goes out to you.

 

My mum was essentially a carer for my grandma and my great aunt and my dad did a lot for his mum before she went into a fantastic little home too. I've seen the strain it puts on strong people in the best of times, so I feel for you.

 

I can't really offer much advice but honestly it sounds like you have a pretty reasonable handle on your emotions from your post.

 

Keep posting mate, and I wish you all the best.

[Ozwin]

On 27/09/2020 at 12:54, Paninistickers said:

Sorry to hear it dude.. I actually looked up this thread to see how you were doing. 

 

Sorry this isn't too comforting, but this feeling is gonna likely to last for.months. I'm afraid there's no other cure than to strap in and occupy yourself for the rough ride ahead. 

 

Each to their own, but my 'coping mechanisms' were small and manageble; flat became tidy and clean...slowly updated my clothes...got fitter....took up hiking...got a nice tan

...became more into films ....did laptop work in my local with a coffee instead of at home and planned stuff- holidays, jobs, things to learn etc. 

 

Hang in there! 

 

 

 

Thanks for this. 

 

I have now officially moved back in with my mum. It's not ideal obviously but I feel like actually being back here has made things a little easier on me. I'm not surrounded by memories and thoughts of happier times. I may be sleeping on the sofa and have no space to call my own but it's something. I have to remember it's not forever either.

 

Monday was the last time I spoke to her too. Because of the house we've had to communicate throughout the last month so it's been bloody difficult to move on really. Hopefully now I can get that peace of mind and move on a bit. I do still have hopes that she regrets it all and changes her mind but I can't hold onto that. If it happens then it happens. Sometimes I wish she'd done something to make me angry and hate her but she didn't. She just did what she thought was right and fair. I have to respect that I guess.

 

I think I'm going to get into painting a bit now, always something I've wanted to do and I thought why not. Get those emotions out somehow, no matter how shit it turns out haha. No idea where to start but that's part of the fun I guess. 

[brucey]

[HighPeakFox]

Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.