Depression

[leicsmac]

2 hours ago, Electric Yetis said:

Exactly the same.

It's difficult, isn't it?

[HighPeakFox]

6 minutes ago, leicsmac said:

It's difficult, isn't it?

Yes

[Trav Le Bleu]

4 hours ago, leicsmac said:

....I envy people that can reduce their worlds to just themselves, those around them and the things they directly control. It seems a happier existence.

 

I don't know how to do that, or even that I should even if I could.

Donald?

[Trav Le Bleu]

4 hours ago, leicsmac said:

....I envy people that can reduce their worlds to just themselves, those around them and the things they directly control. It seems a happier existence.

 

I don't know how to do that, or even that I should even if I could.

Meh, it's a dumber existence.

 

I'd rather care.

[leicsmac]

8 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Meh, it's a dumber existence.

 

I'd rather care.

Does play hob with your mental health, though, I've found.

[Parafox]

A good 24 hrs, mindfulness-wise.

 

Travelled to Derbyshire high peaks yesterday for a walk up and along Mam Tor followed a visit to the Buxton Crescent hotel making use of their (impressive) spa facilities after which we had a great Tapas meal at a nearby Spanish place then back to the Hotel for a single malt nightcap before a good sleep in a very comfortable bed.

 

For now at least, I feel refreshed and relaxed having been able to switch off and put the worries and anxieties that have been bothering me more and more recently, aside for a while.

 

@HighPeakFox If that's the area you live in, your blessed with such surroundings. 

[HighPeakFox]

58 minutes ago, Parafox said:

A good 24 hrs, mindfulness-wise.

 

Travelled to Derbyshire high peaks yesterday for a walk up and along Mam Tor followed a visit to the Buxton Crescent hotel making use of their (impressive) spa facilities after which we had a great Tapas meal at a nearby Spanish place then back to the Hotel for a single malt nightcap before a good sleep in a very comfortable bed.

 

For now at least, I feel refreshed and relaxed having been able to switch off and put the worries and anxieties that have been bothering me more and more recently, aside for a while.

 

@HighPeakFox If that's the area you live in, your blessed with such surroundings. 

I used to live in Buxton, until 2020. The new hotel is indded highly impressive, and I know the Tapas restaurant you speak of. I still perform in Buxton sometimes and often go there to get water from the natural spring opposite the hotel.

 

I'm glad it was good for your mental health - we all need that chance to switch off, even for just a little while.

[Lionator]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

A good 24 hrs, mindfulness-wise.

 

Travelled to Derbyshire high peaks yesterday for a walk up and along Mam Tor followed a visit to the Buxton Crescent hotel making use of their (impressive) spa facilities after which we had a great Tapas meal at a nearby Spanish place then back to the Hotel for a single malt nightcap before a good sleep in a very comfortable bed.

 

For now at least, I feel refreshed and relaxed having been able to switch off and put the worries and anxieties that have been bothering me more and more recently, aside for a while.

 

@HighPeakFox If that's the area you live in, your blessed with such surroundings. 

Nature is the greatest healer, it’s evolutionary! 

[FoxesDeb]

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

[jgtuk]

@FoxesDeb
It’s impossible for me to feel what you’re feeling, totally unimaginable. 
All I can say is that you are brave beyond words and I wish you all the best. 

Edited 7 November 2024 by jgtuk

[Parafox]

6 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

 

Rambling emotionally or for whatever reason, is why this topic exists and there's nothing wrong in doing that. I've rambled plenty of times here when I've been in difficult places and rambling and releasing emotions in whatever form, even posting online, or texts, or any format that allows one to release and is proven to be therapeutic even though we might not realise it. That is the point of your post. Expressing  emotions even in a forum like this is a recognised therapeutic process.

 

Any loss such as yours is bound to be a lifelong trauma, It's how one deals and lives with it that enables one to continue a semblance of normal existence whilst carrying that backpack of loss and sorrow forever but with a love that can only be expressed in the way that works best, expressing it on here is one of so many ways and a very minor way compared to the personal emotions and how you live with the memories of Elliot. 

 

One person's experience is unique to them but there are many others that can relate. 

 

I admire you for your fortitude and resilience. 

[Benguin]

On 27/10/2024 at 15:01, Electric Yetis said:

I've just handed my notice in. Haven't felt such elation in years!

When you say recently do you mean in the last 4 weeks? If your job role changes as a result of a restructure, you should be given a trial period in the new role, 4 weeks I believe. If the job is not sufficiently similar to your old role, you have a legal claim for redundancy. Sounds like if you’re out of your depth it’s not sufficiently similar. 

[Guest TaggertvsWise]

50 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

My heart is breaking for you mate. I cannot imagine what you are going through and would never be so flippant as to offer advice. I know I’m a stranger, but death haunts us in many ways. I lost my mother almost a year to the day it’s a grief that I am still trying to wrestle with, but a parent has it’s place in death, a child does not. If you ever need to talk please do feel ok to dm me.  My strength is with you and your family. Please value what you have, take care and get in touch if you ever need to.

[foxfanazer]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

Who's anyone to say what's a healthy way of dealing with the worst thing imaginable. You do whatever you need to Deb. We're all here for you

[Trav Le Bleu]

11 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

It's going to be tough, no denying, but if you want to ramble, you ramble. You're always welcome to DM. The FT massive is behind you.

[FoyleFox]

On 07/11/2024 at 19:49, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

I can't possibly comprehend your pain and do not have adequate words, none I suspect will help lessen the pain, anyway. I hope that you and your family have had a peaceful day and have managed in your own way to celebrate and remember both your son and daughter. 

If sharing a post on here helps in any way, there's most certainly a point to it. As ever, you have the thoughts and support of all here. 

Edited 9 November 2024 by FoyleFox

[spacemunky]

On 07/11/2024 at 14:49, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

My dad passed away on my birthday and it's always a bit difficult when that day rolls around, but I just try to think of the good things my dad and I enjoyed together.

 

I know that doesn't even compare to your situation though.

 

Happy Birthday to your daughter Deb.

 

 

 

 

[Daggers]

On 07/11/2024 at 19:49, FoxesDeb said:

This coming Saturday will be my daughter's 18th birthday, and also should have been my son's 21st birthday. 

 

Such wildly conflicting emotions and I don't really know how I'm going to cope. It's the first birthday without Ellis, 12 months ago he was here with us now getting ready to celebrate his 20th, little did we know it would be his last 

 

It's a big milestone for my daughter, and we need to celebrate that, but she lost not only her brother but her best friend, and I'm struggling with helping her navigate her loss while also dealing with my own. We only really talk about him as though he is still here, and I recognise that that probably isn't healthy, but it's still all I can do. I can't look at his photos yet, or read our messages, his profile is on our Netflix account and probably always will be, I can't bring myself to delete it.

 

I'm rambling now and there's no real point to my post, I think I just needed to get it down somewhere. 

 

 

 

Hi Deb

 

Just punting this out there: https://uksobs.com

 

They do virtual session so you don’t need to be in the UK. 
 

Hope you weekend went ok. 

[FoxesDeb]

The day itself was actually OK, in the end I think it helped that my daughter's birthday was on the same day, it kind of took my mind off what should have been.

 

There's definitely some kind of come down since though, everything just seems so pointless. I'm not brave enough to do anything about it and I wouldn't do it to the other people I love, but fvck me this is hard, all I really want to do is end everything to be with Ellis, but I can't. It's being left behind that is the hardest thing, I don't know how other parents cope with losing their children, although obviously plenty sadly do

 

Distraction seems to be key for me. Work, holidays that involve lots of planning and looking for a new house are all working tactics for me now, I'm not sure how long I, or my bank balance, can sustain it for though...

[ajthefox]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

The day itself was actually OK, in the end I think it helped that my daughter's birthday was on the same day, it kind of took my mind off what should have been.

 

There's definitely some kind of come down since though, everything just seems so pointless. I'm not brave enough to do anything about it and I wouldn't do it to the other people I love, but fvck me this is hard, all I really want to do is end everything to be with Ellis, but I can't. It's being left behind that is the hardest thing, I don't know how other parents cope with losing their children, although obviously plenty sadly do

 

Distraction seems to be key for me. Work, holidays that involve lots of planning and looking for a new house are all working tactics for me now, I'm not sure how long I, or my bank balance, can sustain it for though...

Since my struggles I have paid quite a lot of attention to mental health and suicide awareness stuff online. 

 

I follow two people in particular who speak so well about their experiences of bereavement from suicide. 

 

Alice Hendy lost her younger brother Josh and has set up an incredible tech charity called R;pple that is saving lives by intercepting harmful searches online. Steve Phillip set up a charity called the Jordan Legacy after losing his son Jordan to suicide. They are both doing brilliant work and speak so movingly on the subject.

 

I've always found that hearing from others who have experienced similar things to be really cathartic. first and foremost, it always makes me feel like I am not alone, which was probably the single biggest issue I had, and sometimes still do to a lesser extent.

 

I'm not sure this will be any value to you Deb, but I just wanted to share something.

 

All the best to you & the family.

Edited 16 November 2024 by ajthefox

[Lionator]

21 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

The day itself was actually OK, in the end I think it helped that my daughter's birthday was on the same day, it kind of took my mind off what should have been.

 

There's definitely some kind of come down since though, everything just seems so pointless. I'm not brave enough to do anything about it and I wouldn't do it to the other people I love, but fvck me this is hard, all I really want to do is end everything to be with Ellis, but I can't. It's being left behind that is the hardest thing, I don't know how other parents cope with losing their children, although obviously plenty sadly do

 

Distraction seems to be key for me. Work, holidays that involve lots of planning and looking for a new house are all working tactics for me now, I'm not sure how long I, or my bank balance, can sustain it for though...

Just to say that there’s no ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ to cope with what you’ve been through. You’re doing your best in horrendous circumstances, and that’s all anybody can ask of you. The fact you can talk about these feelings and emotions is incredible, and your children are incredibly lucky to have you

[FoxesDeb]

Thank you all, it means a lot to me that you take the time to reply to me, and your support really has been incredible. 

 

This thread is possibly the best thing about FT, and what sets us apart from others, I don't know where I'd be without it. 

[Sampson]

On 16/11/2024 at 21:53, FoxesDeb said:

 

There's definitely some kind of come down since though, everything just seems so pointless. I'm not brave enough to do anything about it and I wouldn't do it to the other people I love, but fvck me this is hard, all I really want to do is end everything to be with Ellis, but I can't. It's being left behind that is the hardest thing, I don't know how other parents cope with losing their children, although obviously plenty sadly do

 

Distraction seems to be key for me. Work, holidays that involve lots of planning and looking for a new house are all working tactics for me now, I'm not sure how long I, or my bank balance, can sustain it for though...

I obviously don’t have the same harrowing experience as you, so I’m not comparing it, but I think to a much lesser extent this is how adult life of general feels to me.

 

I’m not really convinced the good parts of adult life really outweigh the bad parts of life. But I only keep going really because it’s all there is and I have friends and family who I don’t want to hurt and just try to distract myself with stuff like playing board games, going to dinner with family and friends or doing stuff round the house just to quiet the chatting doommongering voice in my brain.

 

I totally understand why so many with mental health issues want to isolate themselves from their loved ones in a way. I saw someone in here a couple of months ago saying “maybe privilege is just having people you care about to lose”.

 

I dunno, probably not helpful to you, but something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I carry on but I’m not really convinced life is actually enjoyable and doesn’t just feel like when you’re grinding away in a computer game rpg for the most part. 

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

On 22/10/2024 at 14:49, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

I’ve been really, really struggling lately. I’ve gone full self sabotage and basically ruined my life. Things are incredibly bleak at the moment and struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

So to expand on this a bit now I’ve calmed down a bit. Start at the start. I had a breakdown 5 months ago, basically don’t remember 2-3 days and went missing. It was awful and I struggled a lot in the aftermath with what I’d put the people closest to me through. I got all the help you’d need in a time

like this, crisis team, gp support, wellbeing for my drinking and therapy booked in. For the first 2 days my partner was amazing, so helpful explaining things to all the different doctors as I was still not myself at all, very reassuring and I was so happy I was still here and had such good support around me and though it would be a long road, I would be alright if I just took the time to get better. 
 

then 3 days later my partner wouldn’t even look at me, straight up would leave the room when I went in to it, and I was still so vulnerable and couldn’t understand it, she said she just didn’t know how to be around me. She was so cold, so i left to stay with my mum for a while, but had to go back home before I wanted to as all the support I had set up was in a different city. When I got back it was if everything was back to normal, she just behaved like nothing had happened and I didn’t know what to make of it. I ended up going against all medical advise and went back to work 2 weeks later, way too soon, because she said we’ve gotta get back to how we were. So I went back to work, doing dad duties and supporting her with how much she was struggling with it all. She just kept saying she didn’t feel the same about me anymore, and she was too busy to support me and how embarrassing the whole thing was. She just went about things like everything was fine and clearly they weren’t. Basically every bit of progress I made while trying to get through this she would put a stop to by making me feel completely responsible for everything that happened. This carried on until I absolutely blew up about a month ago because so much resentment had built

up in me about how badly she had let me down. It’s only now I’m with supportive people around me they have made me realise that really all I did was try and support her even though I was the one that had the breakdown, and she has consistently belittled, neglected and emotionally abused me since.

Imagine if I was the woman is what a lot of people say, and the bloke behaved to the woman like that. Really made me think. Anyway she’s getting on with life like nothings happened because that’s just what she does, meanwhile I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that actually this wasn’t all my fault like she had me thinking at all, and I’ve got a long way to go to find my self worth again after being so badly treated for 4 months after the most horrific experience of my life.

[Bert]

7 hours ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

So to expand on this a bit now I’ve calmed down a bit. Start at the start. I had a breakdown 5 months ago, basically don’t remember 2-3 days and went missing. It was awful and I struggled a lot in the aftermath with what I’d put the people closest to me through. I got all the help you’d need in a time

like this, crisis team, gp support, wellbeing for my drinking and therapy booked in. For the first 2 days my partner was amazing, so helpful explaining things to all the different doctors as I was still not myself at all, very reassuring and I was so happy I was still here and had such good support around me and though it would be a long road, I would be alright if I just took the time to get better. 
 

then 3 days later my partner wouldn’t even look at me, straight up would leave the room when I went in to it, and I was still so vulnerable and couldn’t understand it, she said she just didn’t know how to be around me. She was so cold, so i left to stay with my mum for a while, but had to go back home before I wanted to as all the support I had set up was in a different city. When I got back it was if everything was back to normal, she just behaved like nothing had happened and I didn’t know what to make of it. I ended up going against all medical advise and went back to work 2 weeks later, way too soon, because she said we’ve gotta get back to how we were. So I went back to work, doing dad duties and supporting her with how much she was struggling with it all. She just kept saying she didn’t feel the same about me anymore, and she was too busy to support me and how embarrassing the whole thing was. She just went about things like everything was fine and clearly they weren’t. Basically every bit of progress I made while trying to get through this she would put a stop to by making me feel completely responsible for everything that happened. This carried on until I absolutely blew up about a month ago because so much resentment had built

up in me about how badly she had let me down. It’s only now I’m with supportive people around me they have made me realise that really all I did was try and support her even though I was the one that had the breakdown, and she has consistently belittled, neglected and emotionally abused me since.

Imagine if I was the woman is what a lot of people say, and the bloke behaved to the woman like that. Really made me think. Anyway she’s getting on with life like nothings happened because that’s just what she does, meanwhile I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that actually this wasn’t all my fault like she had me thinking at all, and I’ve got a long way to go to find my self worth again after being so badly treated for 4 months after the most horrific experience of my life.

It’s really tough but don’t let how tough it is be a burden on you. Focus on getting yourself better, each day is a blessing and you’re probably doing better than you actually think or feel. Set yourself a little goal to achieve each day. Slow and steady wins the race. Hopefully you’ll be back on your feet soon…. and more importantly being the best dad you can possibly be.