Advice needed.

[Buce]

I've just heard that my father-in-law has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

 

My problem is that I'm really crap with people and I don't know what to say or how to behave toward him, and I'd really appreciate some advice.

[RobHawk]

Just treat him like normal - have the usual conversations etc. If he wants to talk about stuff, listen and take on board what he's saying too. Everybody deals with things in their own way, so you have to let him do it his way. Obviously, its a shit situation, but if you usually talk about the footy, go in and talk about the footy. 

 

Most importantly look after the wife and MIL and be there for them too! 

[Vacamion]

 

My old Dad kinda danced around the subject of his impending demise. He was happy to talk logistics, medical stuff and about other people, but never in any depth about what he'd been told by doctors was coming.

 

I kind of regret not having a chat in which I could ask him what he wanted to say to me while he still could.

 

So much left unsaid.

 

I'd advise you hug him, even if he's not a hugger.  My Dad wasn't really much of a hugger but became more of one near the end. You could feel a bit extra in the hugs when you took your leave of him in the final weeks. They meant a lot both ways, looking back. Other family members have also commented on this.

 

So, hugs and asking him to talk to you, then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Parafox]

Sorry to hear your bad news.

 

Often you find that people who have a terminal condition rally round after the initial shock is managed. I found that over time someone who is already mentally tough and outgoing normally, becomes that person again and seems to have an additional ";lifeness" about them, if that makes sense. They want to be the person they were before the news and will want people to treat them as if they were that person, because they are that person.

 

Initially the shock seems overwhelming but people do come to accept it and are often resilient enough to come to terms with it. When this happens you will hopefully find your relationship is no different on the face of it. Don't be thinking, "you're my father in law, you have cancer", think, "you're my father in law".

 

Contact a support group such as MacMillan, they're excellent at advising the families of people with cancer and will give you guidance on how to manage relationships.

 

 

[Collymore]

I think it all depends on the relationship you have with him. Sometimes humor can be the best way to deal with things like this (I don't obviously mean joking about his situation) but if you had a jokey relationship before, continue that .. I think not mentioning at all can create the "elephant in the room" type scenario which can be awkward.

[Captain...]

It really does depend on your relationship with him. If you don't see him/speak to him often then suddenly  being his best mate would be weird. If you change how you are around him he'll pick up on it, but then he may appreciate it.

 

Be there as much as you can for your wife, she will appreciate it and so will your father in law. Take the burden of responsibility when it comes to things like kids and the household. One of his concerns will be how his family cope without him, and seeing that his daughter has got someone by her side will mean a lot to him.

 

When you see him don't be afraid to talk about it, or even ask him directly about it, but take your cues from your wife she will know how he responds to things and how he will want to be treated. She might even need you to talk to him about certain practicalities that she can't bring herself to discuss with him, or she might prefer just to spend more time with him on her own.

[Bellend Sebastian]

Everyone is different but I've known a fair few situations now where people confronted with terrible news have actually been quite grateful when those around them have been direct about the subject rather than dancing around it too much.

 

Taking it to the extreme, I was listening to a Doug Stanhope podcast this morning, and his guest was a comedian with terminal cancer, and she was recounting how he rang her up to take the piss when he heard about her diagnosis.  She said she was fine with that (it made her laugh), and she was far more comfortable with that than all the mawkish sympathy she got from elsewhere.

 

I'd still be very cautious about utilising such an approach 

[Jattdogg]

Some great advice on here. My mum was diagnosed with incurable colon cancer back in 2009. Was a right kick in the teeth but she was the strongest person out of the whole family. She didnt want her cancer to define her. She lived her life as she always did. Of course she didnt want to die and had her moments but just be there whenever they need. 

 

We kept doing the things we always did as a family. I wasnt afraid to talk to my mom about her cancer or how she was feeling after having her chemo or radiation treatment. I let her know i was always there to talk or help physically  (we lived in same home). More often then not it was "im ok just tired..bugger off and let me sleep" lol.

 

The extended family (your mother inlaw wife etc) are more likely to be saddened and the last thing you want to do is look doom or gloom in front of someone suffering  from cancer. They will see it in your eyes.  Be yourself. But be there for the family as a whole. Small things make all the difference. helping to clean, grab some groceries or do a cook on days he may be in for treatment etc. 

 

Just remember that when that time comes the pain doesnt end for the extended family. 

 

 

[MPH]

So Sorry to hear the horrible news.

 

 

 

From working with cancer patients, they , for the most part, really hate it when people tip toe around them and look all sympathetic at them and treat them like they will break.

 

If you usually crack jokes with him and make fun of him, crack jokes and make fun of him., if he's the serious type, and thats how he  usually is then just follow the same pattern. When my grandfather was dying and in hospice i told him that i knew he was genuinely sick because i had been in the room for 20 minutes and he hadnt insulted me yet. Because that was him. that was his type of humour.. brightened his day and we went back and forth for an hour until he got tired.

 

Ask him if he needs help with anything but just do it more friend to friend than looking all concerned and rubbing his hand. Be mindful that he may tire more easily and consider that when visiting ( especially with kids) Be sensitive to his wife who will probably  want to  doing EVERYTHING for him and may feel he's tired and its time for visitors to leave. If she's stressing him out  your wife handle that. Ask your mother in law if SHE needs help with anything. If he gets worse, organise a team of people to clean their house so she can be there for him. Little things like that make all the difference to her and reduce her stress levels and therefore him.

 

Plan some things he may want to do whilst he has the energy to.( ask him and discuss it with him).

 

The worst thing you can do is tiptoe around him and treat him like he's fragile. Like others have said just be normal around him

 

If he does open up and want to talk to you then listen and create the time. Late for drinks with that lads? Bugger that. They'll still be there next week.

 

 

Be super sensitive to your wife. give her space, be there, deal with the mood swings and the tears and fears. Just be there. Dont try and fix her or fix her situations or ' deal with it and make it better' Just listen and be there.

 

 

Promise him you and your wife will look after your mother in law in any way you can. And mean it.

 

 

 

[Webbo]

When my mother was given 2 months to live around 2 years ago I was devastated. We'd all been suspecting it was cancer for a while without actually saying it out loud. I was with her when the doctor told her and I actually gasped out loud, then I had to ring my sisters to tell them which wasn't pleasant either.

 

I honestly don't know how she coped with that knowledge. I found it really hard to talk about it. She made her own funeral arrangements with my sister but when she tried to tell me I had to leave the room. It's horrible, there are no silver linings. Spend as much time as you can with him and make sure his GP does his job and arranges his care plan.

[Smudge]

My father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus, he lived for about 2 years after and died at the young age of fifty six. 

We lived near Lichfield at the time and he was in Hinckley so there was quite a commute for my wife several times a week. During those early months I just tried to support my wife by taking care of the children so she was free to tend to her Dad and be supportive to her mother.

 

At the weekends, I would go with her and have Sunday lunch with them. I would always take him to the pub beforehand and he was able to 'get away' for a while. He had escaped from a POW camp in Italy and so, as you can imagine, he had lots of stories to tell. I found that by prompting him to open up and talk about his past was not only therapeutic but really enjoyable for me. I'm not saying we didn't talk about his illness but he was the type who was going to beat it so I wasn't going to argue.

 

A friend of mine also contracted lung cancer at a young age and we were in the same industry and a customer of mine. Nothing changed with our relationship in that even when he could no longer work, I still picked him up and took him to various industry functions. Even though he was seriously ill, he was made to feel a part of what he had always known and I felt he was treated with respect. I know he really appreciated that and wasn't abandoned, Brian died aged 50.

 

I don't know if this is helpful but that's how I dealt with it.

 

All the best 

 

[Buce]

Thanks, guys.

 

 My missus and her mother have taken it really badly and are unable to discuss the practical stuff with him (you know, end of life plan, funeral etc) so I've found myself in the position of dealing with it. I've never been close to him, which I thought would make it easier, but ultimately he's a human being facing death and I'm finding it hard to remain emotionally detached, particularly when he cries.

 

It's all really fvcking horrible.

[MPH]

[Soar Fox]

A friend of mine died last Wednesday only 31 years old. Apparently he got diagnosed with terminal cancer in December but didn't tell any friends how bad it was until July. 

 

We we were supposed to have a charity night for him last Saturday but unfortunately he passed away. Poor lad leaves 2 kids behind ages 7 & 4.

[Strokes]

Jesus that's horrible, I wish I could offer advice but I really just don't know. I just hope it goes as well as possible for you all.

[Bellend Sebastian]

This may or may not be helpful for those who have people suffering from terminal cancer in their lives.  Might give some insight, and I think it's always easier to empathise with people when you've got a vague idea about what's going on with them.  And yes, there's more to the article than the simple mechanics of death,

 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/17/how-do-people-die-from-cancer-google

 

Edit:  That's rough, Steve_Walsh 5, sorry for your loss.  Hope everyone involved is taking strength from each other

 

 

 

[stripeyfox]

1 hour ago, Steve_Walsh5 said:

A friend of mine died last Wednesday only 31 years old. Apparently he got diagnosed with terminal cancer in December but didn't tell any friends how bad it was until July. 

 

We we were supposed to have a charity night for him last Saturday but unfortunately he passed away. Poor lad leaves 2 kids behind ages 7 & 4.

Man that's terrible. I am so sorry to read this. You and his other friends will have to support his family just as best you can. Everyone tends to rally around in the immediate aftermath but things can go a bit quiet once the funeral is out of the way and that is when they may need support more than ever.

 

One day, his kids might want to know stuff about their dad which they can't remember (particularly the younger one) so perhaps you and his other friends could compile something in the coming weeks and months to keep to one side for when the children are older?

 

 

[Alf Bentley]

Jesus, there are some upsetting stories in the last few posts here!

Wishing all concerned whatever resilience, release or compensatory fun they may need.

Makes me realise how lucky I've been with my Dad living to a great age, in good health until the last 2-3 years, even though I'm sad he's gone.

 

Particular thoughts to you, Buce, as I know you had a tough time with your own Dad not long ago.

It is obviously tough for you, but your wife and mother-in-law are going to think an awful lot of you for what you're doing - or trying to do - with your father-in-law.

As for advice, I don't have a lot. I'm a bit of a one for bottling up emotions, concentrating on doing whatever is necessary and then collapsing later....not necessarily recommended or suitable for others.

At the risk of seeming trite, when he gets upset and cries, would he accept a hug, even if you've not been close historically - it might help him at a difficult time, even if it doesn't seem the natural thing to do?

[Buce]

Thanks, Alf.

 

To be honest it's more difficult than when my dad died; in a very real sense my dad was dead six months before we buried him, and his dementia meant that he didn't know it was happening. My father-in-law is in full possession of his faculties and is all too aware that he's dying and how he's dying. The poor bloke is terrified.

 

I think 'emotion bottling' is very much a man-thing - I'm exactly the same, strong in a crisis - but it's hard watching someone fall apart, literally and figuratively. A hug, though, would horrify him - he's very much a traditional working-class man - hell, he even thinks male deodorants are effeminate. I do think he appreciates that I'm straight with him, though, and not tiptoeing around the thing.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, Alf. It seems that he was a fine man who lived a full life, and you must be very proud of him.

[Rob1742]

However you act, you will look back and judge yourself when you are older.

 

Its a real learning curve for yourself, one of the most difficult and you will probably deal with it better second time round 

[Buzzell]

When my nan was diagnosed with cancer the only thing I did was be with her at every opportunity I could. My mum would see her near enough everyday and I went along with her 9 times out of 10.

 

I must admit it was horrible seeing her slowly deteriorate day after day but I had to be there with her. Sometimes she wouldn't say a word to me at some visits but I knew that deep down she needed the company to comfort her whilst she was ill.

 

It was truly one of the worst things I've experienced but my advice would be to spend as much time with him.

 

Thoughts to your family Buce.

[stripeyfox]

You know it's amazing what people can deal with in a crisis. People are so strong and I am sure you will come through for your family Buce. You've just got to be there, and it sounds like you are doing that. 

 

My mum was taken ill and effectively told by the doctors that there was nothing they could do except make her comfortable and let nature take it's cause. But despite that horrifying moment when we went back in to see her (after the doctor had privately told us and her separately), I will always be grateful that we had the chance to say goodbye. We'd never been really close(like some people), and had lots of problems over the years  but I loved her and I know she loved me and I'm glad at least we had that opportunity. A simple squeeze of my hand whilst my brother and sister were there and she said "look after each other". 

 

And with that, she fell asleep and didn't properly wake up again. 

 

It's so sad, but the strength in people is astonishing.

 

 

 

 

[Russell sprout]

I posted recently regarding my wife's anxiety,

it puts things in perspective when I hear these story's,I don't honestly know what to say,but what I will say to do is when your down,come on here,the advise and comments I got helped me loads,I thought people would take the piss,but there's some really good people on here with great advise,

tgey say its easier talking to people you don't know and it helped me