mozartfox Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 3 hours ago, Suzie the Fox said: Thanks guys, keep the comments coming. This really is for the benefit of my nephew and the career path he is chosing. xx ‘Nephew’?? Nudge nudge wink wink. Nothing wrong with getting yourself a strapping young lad Suzie. The article is very good, well written and factual. No point him in pursuing a career in journalism if he continues to write articles that contain facts. 1
dyanmark Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 Carves,he'll and choosing . Iborra,s English is very good .Where did he learn ? England ! Wider point we are 10th and unlikely to do any better loosing to the top group,picking up points from the dross at the bottom and scrapping with the likes of Brighton,Everton etc.Already folks going down the line of 'mid table and a cup run after recent events' would be a good season. If we play this way we will need a striker to make something out of the numerous crosses or that's our season sorted.
KingsX Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 (edited) This isn't the thread I expected/feared when I opened it. The comments are intelligent and the tenor is quite respectful of Suzie and her OP. I agree, the KISS (keep it simple, stupid!) principle applies to most non-academic writing. (though I suck at it) For journalism (even features), 3 or 4 sentences is plenty for a paragraph, and it's all in how you link them to keep the reader engaged. Especially with so much other content a click away. "Timid" is a value judgment (which I doubt applies to Puel's non-PR interactions). But maybe that's the kind of thing that "hooks" the reader's emotions. In this age when the media grab our attention by inflaming us. This young man clearly has talent and knows his way around the English language. Good luck to him in a tough, competitive field. Edited 12 November 2018 by KingsX 1
MPH Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 That’s a good effort and I liked reading that whole content so tell him not to change the content but I will say it felt like there are too many commas in it for some reason...
weller54 Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 3 hours ago, Suzie the Fox said: Lol.. Yup picked up on that one. Thanks for pointing out. Feedback that helps is always good Good luck to him. I hope he carves out a good career for himself. 1
weller54 Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 4 minutes ago, MPH said: That’s a good effort and I liked reading that whole content so tell him not to change the content but I will say it felt like there are too many commas in it for some reason... There's, nothing,wrong, with, using, the,occasional, comma!
Guest Bob Hazels shorts Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 I like the guy, i like what he says and he always conducts himself in a dignified manner. Hopefully the slow build up he's aiming for will level out into something a bit more exiting as Sat was, but I believe that was (other than when we slept in the second half) more due to the occasion. Can't work out many of his decisions and the opposite to recent previous managers he has got the team playing below, not beyond their individual abilities. Want it to work but he's got get the best of the team on the pitch, not just off it + play players to their strengths.
Smudge Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 I think there are many ways I'd rewrite this but one overriding style that I would use, is to stick with writing in the 'third person' (he, she, or they). When he switched to the second person with "you’re limiting players abilities", it didn't read right for me. Also less is better. "he still doesn’t possess a great deal of comfort when asked to play from the back." I might write "He's uncomfortable going forward". 1
Suzie the Fox Posted 12 November 2018 Author Posted 12 November 2018 45 minutes ago, weller54 said: Good luck to him. I hope he carves out a good career for himself. Trust you to spot 1
Langston Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 4 hours ago, MPH said: That’s a good effort and I liked reading that whole content so tell him not to change the content but I will say it felt like there are too many commas in it for some reason... Exactly my thoughts, really. Not bad whatsoever but reading it can feel difficult with so many commas dotted about. 1
OhYesNdidi Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 Most people who want puel out seem to be the ones who think we should be competing for the top 6. Which is delusional. The problem comes with unrealistic expectations, overating our players whilst underrating opposition players also imo. 1
bmt Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 It needs a lot of proofreading and more formal language in parts. Some of the sentences don't read properly and don't need as complicated language, as said above. Other sentences are broken up by commas which could be shorter and more direct. Also, I don't think the name of the article is great - could have something like 'Puel out? Are fans right to be talking about the Frenchman's job?' (not saying that's great but it then means he can make a position clear in his opening paragraph). Having said all that, it's a nice article and a good start! Some really good advice specifically on journalism on the comments above, but to go from being an opinion writer to a journalist it's important to get the basics of writing nailed on too! Good luck to him, it's great to have people interested in football journalism. 1 1
fuchsntf Posted 12 November 2018 Posted 12 November 2018 12 hours ago, AKCJ said: I'd say it's a bit better than that. @FIF will know!!! He's mad mind you!!
winteriscoming Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 Under puel we will continue to finish mid table. Which I am quite happy with. It will depend on top whether he will be happy with that. I just don't see us getting into the top 6 and agree with the earlier comment about delusion fans thinking we can. A top 10 finish and a cup (hopefully the fa cup) and I would be delighted. I do hope they give puel till the end of the season at least.
HighPeakFox Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 I'm amused that some people are struggling to understand the point of this thread. 1
sylofox Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 Suzie the Fox Don't get me wrong it's a great start. But it comes across as a fan writing it for fans. As opposed to a news type story. More of a blog than a news report. I tried reading it as a neutral and it didn't hold me but as a point of view I can't fault it. I can't wait for his next one though. 1
sylofox Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 30 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said: I'm amused that some people are struggling to understand the point of this thread. Perhaps they've just read the title.
Suzie the Fox Posted 13 November 2018 Author Posted 13 November 2018 52 minutes ago, sylofox said: Suzie the Fox Don't get me wrong it's a great start. But it comes across as a fan writing it for fans. As opposed to a news type story. More of a blog than a news report. I tried reading it as a neutral and it didn't hold me but as a point of view I can't fault it. I can't wait for his next one though. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sure he would be very happy if you or anyone wants to add him on Twitter. Dominicwells_sj Hopefully the rise of a star ... 1
HighPeakFox Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 1 hour ago, sylofox said: Perhaps they've just read the title. That is a very fair point. 1
Bunyip Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 Tell your Nephew to take up betting for a living. Then gather all the spare money he has and put the lot on Puel being out of the job at the end of the season. I know I have.
weller54 Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 25 minutes ago, Bunyip said: Tell your Nephew to take up betting for a living. Then gather all the spare money he has and put the lot on Puel being out of the job at the end of the season. I know I have. What odds did you get?
HighPeakFox Posted 13 November 2018 Posted 13 November 2018 38 minutes ago, Bunyip said: Tell your Nephew to take up betting for a living. Then gather all the spare money he has and put the lot on Puel being out of the job at the end of the season. I know I have. It's good that you've allowed the goodwill and bonhomie following the tragedy to alter your posting style.
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